Friday, January 19, 2007
The Too-Early Preview: American League
Did you know that there are 16 National League Teams, and only 14 in the American League?
I guess that explains why I have to watch the Jays vs. Devil Rays 45 times a year...
Baltimore Orioles
-It looks as though they’re just going to hitch their wagon to Miguel Tejada and ride on through into a fourth-place AL East finish...and judging by their off-season acquisitions, that might just be the best strategy;
-According to MLB.com, Aubrey Huff is second on the depth-chart at DH...behind Jay Gibbons. Sure, he’s also second banana to Melvin Mora at third and Jay Payton in left, but Baltimore is, I guess, settling for a DH platoon of two lefties that can’t really hit anymore;
-Hey, can Melvin Mora still hit? No? How ‘bout Kevin Millar? No, huh? Let’s see: that’s 15 HR a piece at first, third, left, center, right, DH...wow. And Tejada’s good for, what...25? 30? Good thing the Orioles have pitching or...oh.
Boston Red Sox
-Everybody bags on Mike Lowell’s shit, but, putting aside his .339 on-base percentage, he’s a pretty solid three-bagger, as far as three-baggers go;
-There’s been a tittering "debunking" of the Daisuke Matsuzaka "gyroball" going around national newspapers...because somebody found out that former skipper Bobby Valentine manages in Japan, and didn’t have anything extraordinary to say about the mysterious pitch. Yes, the same Bobby Valentine that, after being sent to the showers by a fed-up umpiring crew, showed back up in the dugout wearing Groucho Marx glasses...ha, ho;
-So Manny Ramirez gave up after the Yankees handed them the five-game sweep...who’s not still looking forward to watching David Ortiz and Ramirez hit back-to-back for 130-some-odd games? Depending, of course, on Manny’s OPS numbers come early September...
Chicago White Sox
-Mashers, they are. 151 HR from Dye, Thome, Konerko & Crede alone...makes me wonder if a new game can’t be invented, setting up Wrigley Field’s outfield back-to-back with US Cellular Field. Then, mid-game, we might be treated to Derrek Lee trying to hit a homerun off a Jim Thome homerun! It would be worth 100 runs, would happen exactly once a century, and we could call it Shitball!
-Now does everyone understand just how over their heads the 2005 starting rotation pitched?
Mark Buehrle, 2005/2006:
ERA - 3.12/4.99
WHIP - 1.18/1.45
K/9IP - 5.67/4.32
Jose Contreras, 2005/2006
ERA - 3.61/4.27
WHIP - 1.23/1.27
K/9IP - 6.77/6.15
Jon Garland, 2005/2006
ERA - 3.50/4.51
WHIP - 1.17/1.36
K/9IP - 4.68/4.77
Ooh...Garland’s K/9IP actually increased in 2006; that makes up for the 1-run jump in ERA, right?
Cleveland Racial Slurs
-How did they miss the playoffs last year, or, for that matter, only win 78 games? Between Travis Hafner, Victor Martinez, and Grady Sizemore, they should have won at least, what, 80? If they can wrangle another 2005-season out of Jhonny Peralta, and if Josh Barfield is as good as everyone says he is, and if Shin-Soo Choo & Andy Marte keep bashing while developing, then the addition of David Delucci is just the grasping-at-straws that Cleveland needs to be dubbed Best Team in Baseball, an unofficial title that will be bestowed, smirkingly, on either Atlanta or Cleveland for refusing to CHANGE THEIR FUCKING NAMES;
-CC Sabathia has David Wells written all over him...and not the 230 wins, either; I’m talking about the gout.
Detroit Tigers
-All right...so add Garoid Sheffield to Ivan Roidriguez & Christianity’s Greatest Nice Guy in Sean Casey, and off the bat, so to speak, you’ve got three things I immediately dislike about the Tigers. Factor in their pathetic showing at the Fall Classic, and, like Atlanta, bloo bloooo blah;
-Brandon Inge is an extremely entertaining player at 3B, Magglio Ordonez is a blast to watch bash, and Craig Monroe’s swing is up there with ol’ Mags’ in terms of sweetness...just maybe not at the number two spot in the order;
-I’d bet that Kenny Rogers is so universally disliked he doesn‘t even get mosquito bites.
Kansas City Royals
-Odalis Perez could revert to his 2004-Dodger days, Octavio Dotel could resume that pre-Lidge closer career he started in Houston, and Zack Greinke could pitch like the second coming of Warren Spahn, but the Royals will still have that ridiculous Gil Meche contract dragging them further away from the George Brett days, and much, much closer to the upcoming triple-A days;
-How about this: If Meche scrapes out a better WHIP than AJ Burnett in 2007, I will buy an autographed Gil Meche baseball off eBay and send it off to him complete with a full signed apology...and a bill for the price of the ball, because, let‘s face it, he can afford it;
-I hear David DeJesus is pretty good, and the stats back that up: Yup. Pretty good.
Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim in, I Believe, Southern California
-Last post, I said that I would watch Frank Catalanotto hit over just about anybody except for Manny Ramirez, and that was egregious: watching Vladimir Guerrero hit, especially when he’s hot, is like watching Ramirez & Catalanotto hit at the same time, one on either side of the plate, fighting over pitches like two folk-singers over the last harmonica. What I should have said is pound-for-pound, Catalanotto is the most fun the watch in the box...not only ‘cause Cat is smaller than Vlad, but because it makes me sound like I know what I’m talking about;
-Gary Matthews Jr’s contract will be the millstone around the Angels’ neck; Shea Hillenbrand will be the gangrenous infection around the Angels’ middle-fingernail, and, well, there’s GOT to be some joke about Bartolo’s Colon in there somewhere...
Minnesota Twins
-I, like everyone else who thinks they’re smarter than the average bear/baseball enthusiast, picked Minnesota to go WAY deeper than round one of the playoffs...and, to be honest, I’m kinda pissed off about it - Joe Mauer wins a batting title, Justin Morneau wins the MVP, Johan Santana wins the pitcher’s award, whatever it’s called, and the A’s dumped them like a date with herpes;
-Regardless of how many games he misses to injuries, or balls he misplays once in the deciding game of the Twins 2006 season, Torii Hunter is always one of the best centerfielders in the game;
-It’s really too bad, for all baseball fans everywhere, that Minnesota couldn’t field Santana and a July-2006-era Francisco Liriano in the playoffs...those two would’ve gone through all comers like a two-pronged fork in a weakly-bound sausage.
New York Yankees
-My disgust of the Yankees & Atlanta (the baseball team, not the city, as far as I can tell) runs about neck-and-neck, the difference being that I couldn’t be bothered with Atlanta, but I’m the warm, fuzzy centre of the universe when the Yankees lose;
-Yes, I’m suggesting collusion, but why is the rest of baseball letting the Bombers off the hook? They’re going to give up young talent, to the Yankees, for the bloated contracts of decrepit almost-retirees? Just don’t let me hear everyone bitch about the Yankees unfair advantage once they start to dominate with their homegrown-ish talent again...Robinson Cano was enough. Nip it in the bud;
-I have a highlight-reel DVD full of Derek Jeter getting hit by pitches that I watch before I go to sleep every night, a crate of baseballs adorned with Alex Rodriguez’ pouting face that I use at the batting cages, and a voodoo doll of Jason Giamboid that doesn’t work any more because he’s already stuck himself with enough needles to render said doll useless...go ahead and try to tell me that your revulsion of the Yankees runs deeper than mine.
Oakland Athletics
-Nick Swisher is fun to watch play - and so is Eric Chavez, for that matter...even more so if the latter can start hitting again;
-Mike Piazza is Oakland’s new Frank Thomas, Milton Bradley is baseball’s new less-talented Albert Belle, and watching the Athletics is the new "meh";
-Isn’t that old hoary sports cliché of "rising to the challenge" just proof-positive that most athletes only really concentrate at certain times? I’m looking at you, Esteban Loaiza;
-Here we go: another season of pitch-taking, no-name hurlers making up free-agent-to-be resumes, and Joe Morgan refusing to acknowledge that Billy Beane didn’t write Moneyball.
Seattle Mariners
-What a bunch of stink out there in Seattle: Alfonso Soriano couldn’t play second in Washington because they had Jose Vidro entrenched there...and now Vidro’s DHing in Seattle because Jose Lopez is their entrenched two-bagger? Ichiro Suzuki finally relents and plays centerfield so the Mariners can get...Jose Guillen in right?;
-I say Adrian Beltre hits exactly 30 homers this year, and then never again sniffs the big three-oh;
-Felix Hernandez remains a tantalizing talent, Miguel Batista is hit-or-miss, and Jarrod Washburn fairly sucked in his first go-round with Seattle...but at least that fucking moron Carl Everett seems to have been drummed from the game. Score one for the M’s!
Tampa Bay Devil Rays
-Good news: Carl Crawford & Scott Kazmir;
-Bad news: Johnny Gomes can’t handle the curveball, Tropicana Field is an ugly monstrosity even through the TV, and Delmon Young, the guy who winged that bat at the umpire in that minor league game, is a complete asshole for that one incident alone...and, goddamn are they a wretched team to watch;
-I can’t think of Tampa Bay without also thinking of Lou Pinella - and not just the D-Rays, but Tampa itself...it’s my own private curse.
Texas Rangers
-Welcome back Sammy Sosa! 12 HR shy of 600, I’ve got the over/under of his homerun total at 20, qualified by the hometown launching pad of Ameriquest Field (and the condition of making the team on a minor-league contract), and the over/under of people applauding #600 outside of Texas at 4;
-I’m completely clouded in my judgment of Hank Blalock being a good player by his hilarious uppercut swing - I just want to see him succeed so I can watch that loopy thing more often;
-With the exception of Sosa, it’ll be hard not to root for the Rangers: Mark Teixeira switch-hit-bombing shots all over the AL, my man Frank Catalanotto DHing (not playing left exclusively, as stated in an earlier post), Michael Young freak-swinging at anything that moves, Eric Gagne attempting a return to 84-consecutive-save form, the aforementioned Blalock...goll-ee, will they be a fun bunch of varmints to watch!
Toronto Blue Jays
-The Big Hurt chasing 500 homeruns, a $126-million centerfielder, solid corners both infield and out, Roy Halladay...what more could a guy want from his hometown team?
-Well, to answer the above seemingly-rhetorical question, how about 30-starts from AJ Burnett, a return to form for Gustavo Chacin, somebody, anybody, other than Royce Clayton playing short...in fact, I’d take John McDonald’s .223 average as long as I didn’t have to face the thousands of people pointing and laughing at me because my Blue Jays have Clayton as their starting shortstop;
-Alex Rios is sitting, ass-cheeks splayed, directly on the fence: half-season flash in the pan, or athletic marvel who just happened to get a mysterious leg infection?
2006, pre-All-Star break
.330/.383/.585/.968
15 HR 20 2B 2 3B 53 RBI
2006, post-All-Star break
.261/.297/.411/.708
2 HR 13 2B 4 3B 29 RBI
Remember, this is a guy who, at one point, went some 500 at-bats with but a solitary homerun.
Fuck it; he’ll be great. ¶ 8:46 PM
I guess that explains why I have to watch the Jays vs. Devil Rays 45 times a year...
Baltimore Orioles
-It looks as though they’re just going to hitch their wagon to Miguel Tejada and ride on through into a fourth-place AL East finish...and judging by their off-season acquisitions, that might just be the best strategy;
-According to MLB.com, Aubrey Huff is second on the depth-chart at DH...behind Jay Gibbons. Sure, he’s also second banana to Melvin Mora at third and Jay Payton in left, but Baltimore is, I guess, settling for a DH platoon of two lefties that can’t really hit anymore;
-Hey, can Melvin Mora still hit? No? How ‘bout Kevin Millar? No, huh? Let’s see: that’s 15 HR a piece at first, third, left, center, right, DH...wow. And Tejada’s good for, what...25? 30? Good thing the Orioles have pitching or...oh.
Boston Red Sox
-Everybody bags on Mike Lowell’s shit, but, putting aside his .339 on-base percentage, he’s a pretty solid three-bagger, as far as three-baggers go;
-There’s been a tittering "debunking" of the Daisuke Matsuzaka "gyroball" going around national newspapers...because somebody found out that former skipper Bobby Valentine manages in Japan, and didn’t have anything extraordinary to say about the mysterious pitch. Yes, the same Bobby Valentine that, after being sent to the showers by a fed-up umpiring crew, showed back up in the dugout wearing Groucho Marx glasses...ha, ho;
-So Manny Ramirez gave up after the Yankees handed them the five-game sweep...who’s not still looking forward to watching David Ortiz and Ramirez hit back-to-back for 130-some-odd games? Depending, of course, on Manny’s OPS numbers come early September...
Chicago White Sox
-Mashers, they are. 151 HR from Dye, Thome, Konerko & Crede alone...makes me wonder if a new game can’t be invented, setting up Wrigley Field’s outfield back-to-back with US Cellular Field. Then, mid-game, we might be treated to Derrek Lee trying to hit a homerun off a Jim Thome homerun! It would be worth 100 runs, would happen exactly once a century, and we could call it Shitball!
-Now does everyone understand just how over their heads the 2005 starting rotation pitched?
Mark Buehrle, 2005/2006:
ERA - 3.12/4.99
WHIP - 1.18/1.45
K/9IP - 5.67/4.32
Jose Contreras, 2005/2006
ERA - 3.61/4.27
WHIP - 1.23/1.27
K/9IP - 6.77/6.15
Jon Garland, 2005/2006
ERA - 3.50/4.51
WHIP - 1.17/1.36
K/9IP - 4.68/4.77
Ooh...Garland’s K/9IP actually increased in 2006; that makes up for the 1-run jump in ERA, right?
Cleveland Racial Slurs
-How did they miss the playoffs last year, or, for that matter, only win 78 games? Between Travis Hafner, Victor Martinez, and Grady Sizemore, they should have won at least, what, 80? If they can wrangle another 2005-season out of Jhonny Peralta, and if Josh Barfield is as good as everyone says he is, and if Shin-Soo Choo & Andy Marte keep bashing while developing, then the addition of David Delucci is just the grasping-at-straws that Cleveland needs to be dubbed Best Team in Baseball, an unofficial title that will be bestowed, smirkingly, on either Atlanta or Cleveland for refusing to CHANGE THEIR FUCKING NAMES;
-CC Sabathia has David Wells written all over him...and not the 230 wins, either; I’m talking about the gout.
Detroit Tigers
-All right...so add Garoid Sheffield to Ivan Roidriguez & Christianity’s Greatest Nice Guy in Sean Casey, and off the bat, so to speak, you’ve got three things I immediately dislike about the Tigers. Factor in their pathetic showing at the Fall Classic, and, like Atlanta, bloo bloooo blah;
-Brandon Inge is an extremely entertaining player at 3B, Magglio Ordonez is a blast to watch bash, and Craig Monroe’s swing is up there with ol’ Mags’ in terms of sweetness...just maybe not at the number two spot in the order;
-I’d bet that Kenny Rogers is so universally disliked he doesn‘t even get mosquito bites.
Kansas City Royals
-Odalis Perez could revert to his 2004-Dodger days, Octavio Dotel could resume that pre-Lidge closer career he started in Houston, and Zack Greinke could pitch like the second coming of Warren Spahn, but the Royals will still have that ridiculous Gil Meche contract dragging them further away from the George Brett days, and much, much closer to the upcoming triple-A days;
-How about this: If Meche scrapes out a better WHIP than AJ Burnett in 2007, I will buy an autographed Gil Meche baseball off eBay and send it off to him complete with a full signed apology...and a bill for the price of the ball, because, let‘s face it, he can afford it;
-I hear David DeJesus is pretty good, and the stats back that up: Yup. Pretty good.
Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim in, I Believe, Southern California
-Last post, I said that I would watch Frank Catalanotto hit over just about anybody except for Manny Ramirez, and that was egregious: watching Vladimir Guerrero hit, especially when he’s hot, is like watching Ramirez & Catalanotto hit at the same time, one on either side of the plate, fighting over pitches like two folk-singers over the last harmonica. What I should have said is pound-for-pound, Catalanotto is the most fun the watch in the box...not only ‘cause Cat is smaller than Vlad, but because it makes me sound like I know what I’m talking about;
-Gary Matthews Jr’s contract will be the millstone around the Angels’ neck; Shea Hillenbrand will be the gangrenous infection around the Angels’ middle-fingernail, and, well, there’s GOT to be some joke about Bartolo’s Colon in there somewhere...
Minnesota Twins
-I, like everyone else who thinks they’re smarter than the average bear/baseball enthusiast, picked Minnesota to go WAY deeper than round one of the playoffs...and, to be honest, I’m kinda pissed off about it - Joe Mauer wins a batting title, Justin Morneau wins the MVP, Johan Santana wins the pitcher’s award, whatever it’s called, and the A’s dumped them like a date with herpes;
-Regardless of how many games he misses to injuries, or balls he misplays once in the deciding game of the Twins 2006 season, Torii Hunter is always one of the best centerfielders in the game;
-It’s really too bad, for all baseball fans everywhere, that Minnesota couldn’t field Santana and a July-2006-era Francisco Liriano in the playoffs...those two would’ve gone through all comers like a two-pronged fork in a weakly-bound sausage.
New York Yankees
-My disgust of the Yankees & Atlanta (the baseball team, not the city, as far as I can tell) runs about neck-and-neck, the difference being that I couldn’t be bothered with Atlanta, but I’m the warm, fuzzy centre of the universe when the Yankees lose;
-Yes, I’m suggesting collusion, but why is the rest of baseball letting the Bombers off the hook? They’re going to give up young talent, to the Yankees, for the bloated contracts of decrepit almost-retirees? Just don’t let me hear everyone bitch about the Yankees unfair advantage once they start to dominate with their homegrown-ish talent again...Robinson Cano was enough. Nip it in the bud;
-I have a highlight-reel DVD full of Derek Jeter getting hit by pitches that I watch before I go to sleep every night, a crate of baseballs adorned with Alex Rodriguez’ pouting face that I use at the batting cages, and a voodoo doll of Jason Giamboid that doesn’t work any more because he’s already stuck himself with enough needles to render said doll useless...go ahead and try to tell me that your revulsion of the Yankees runs deeper than mine.
Oakland Athletics
-Nick Swisher is fun to watch play - and so is Eric Chavez, for that matter...even more so if the latter can start hitting again;
-Mike Piazza is Oakland’s new Frank Thomas, Milton Bradley is baseball’s new less-talented Albert Belle, and watching the Athletics is the new "meh";
-Isn’t that old hoary sports cliché of "rising to the challenge" just proof-positive that most athletes only really concentrate at certain times? I’m looking at you, Esteban Loaiza;
-Here we go: another season of pitch-taking, no-name hurlers making up free-agent-to-be resumes, and Joe Morgan refusing to acknowledge that Billy Beane didn’t write Moneyball.
Seattle Mariners
-What a bunch of stink out there in Seattle: Alfonso Soriano couldn’t play second in Washington because they had Jose Vidro entrenched there...and now Vidro’s DHing in Seattle because Jose Lopez is their entrenched two-bagger? Ichiro Suzuki finally relents and plays centerfield so the Mariners can get...Jose Guillen in right?;
-I say Adrian Beltre hits exactly 30 homers this year, and then never again sniffs the big three-oh;
-Felix Hernandez remains a tantalizing talent, Miguel Batista is hit-or-miss, and Jarrod Washburn fairly sucked in his first go-round with Seattle...but at least that fucking moron Carl Everett seems to have been drummed from the game. Score one for the M’s!
Tampa Bay Devil Rays
-Good news: Carl Crawford & Scott Kazmir;
-Bad news: Johnny Gomes can’t handle the curveball, Tropicana Field is an ugly monstrosity even through the TV, and Delmon Young, the guy who winged that bat at the umpire in that minor league game, is a complete asshole for that one incident alone...and, goddamn are they a wretched team to watch;
-I can’t think of Tampa Bay without also thinking of Lou Pinella - and not just the D-Rays, but Tampa itself...it’s my own private curse.
Texas Rangers
-Welcome back Sammy Sosa! 12 HR shy of 600, I’ve got the over/under of his homerun total at 20, qualified by the hometown launching pad of Ameriquest Field (and the condition of making the team on a minor-league contract), and the over/under of people applauding #600 outside of Texas at 4;
-I’m completely clouded in my judgment of Hank Blalock being a good player by his hilarious uppercut swing - I just want to see him succeed so I can watch that loopy thing more often;
-With the exception of Sosa, it’ll be hard not to root for the Rangers: Mark Teixeira switch-hit-bombing shots all over the AL, my man Frank Catalanotto DHing (not playing left exclusively, as stated in an earlier post), Michael Young freak-swinging at anything that moves, Eric Gagne attempting a return to 84-consecutive-save form, the aforementioned Blalock...goll-ee, will they be a fun bunch of varmints to watch!
Toronto Blue Jays
-The Big Hurt chasing 500 homeruns, a $126-million centerfielder, solid corners both infield and out, Roy Halladay...what more could a guy want from his hometown team?
-Well, to answer the above seemingly-rhetorical question, how about 30-starts from AJ Burnett, a return to form for Gustavo Chacin, somebody, anybody, other than Royce Clayton playing short...in fact, I’d take John McDonald’s .223 average as long as I didn’t have to face the thousands of people pointing and laughing at me because my Blue Jays have Clayton as their starting shortstop;
-Alex Rios is sitting, ass-cheeks splayed, directly on the fence: half-season flash in the pan, or athletic marvel who just happened to get a mysterious leg infection?
2006, pre-All-Star break
.330/.383/.585/.968
15 HR 20 2B 2 3B 53 RBI
2006, post-All-Star break
.261/.297/.411/.708
2 HR 13 2B 4 3B 29 RBI
Remember, this is a guy who, at one point, went some 500 at-bats with but a solitary homerun.
Fuck it; he’ll be great. ¶ 8:46 PM
