Friday, January 19, 2007
The Too-Early Preview: American League
Did you know that there are 16 National League Teams, and only 14 in the American League?
I guess that explains why I have to watch the Jays vs. Devil Rays 45 times a year...
Baltimore Orioles
-It looks as though they’re just going to hitch their wagon to Miguel Tejada and ride on through into a fourth-place AL East finish...and judging by their off-season acquisitions, that might just be the best strategy;
-According to MLB.com, Aubrey Huff is second on the depth-chart at DH...behind Jay Gibbons. Sure, he’s also second banana to Melvin Mora at third and Jay Payton in left, but Baltimore is, I guess, settling for a DH platoon of two lefties that can’t really hit anymore;
-Hey, can Melvin Mora still hit? No? How ‘bout Kevin Millar? No, huh? Let’s see: that’s 15 HR a piece at first, third, left, center, right, DH...wow. And Tejada’s good for, what...25? 30? Good thing the Orioles have pitching or...oh.
Boston Red Sox
-Everybody bags on Mike Lowell’s shit, but, putting aside his .339 on-base percentage, he’s a pretty solid three-bagger, as far as three-baggers go;
-There’s been a tittering "debunking" of the Daisuke Matsuzaka "gyroball" going around national newspapers...because somebody found out that former skipper Bobby Valentine manages in Japan, and didn’t have anything extraordinary to say about the mysterious pitch. Yes, the same Bobby Valentine that, after being sent to the showers by a fed-up umpiring crew, showed back up in the dugout wearing Groucho Marx glasses...ha, ho;
-So Manny Ramirez gave up after the Yankees handed them the five-game sweep...who’s not still looking forward to watching David Ortiz and Ramirez hit back-to-back for 130-some-odd games? Depending, of course, on Manny’s OPS numbers come early September...
Chicago White Sox
-Mashers, they are. 151 HR from Dye, Thome, Konerko & Crede alone...makes me wonder if a new game can’t be invented, setting up Wrigley Field’s outfield back-to-back with US Cellular Field. Then, mid-game, we might be treated to Derrek Lee trying to hit a homerun off a Jim Thome homerun! It would be worth 100 runs, would happen exactly once a century, and we could call it Shitball!
-Now does everyone understand just how over their heads the 2005 starting rotation pitched?
Mark Buehrle, 2005/2006:
ERA - 3.12/4.99
WHIP - 1.18/1.45
K/9IP - 5.67/4.32
Jose Contreras, 2005/2006
ERA - 3.61/4.27
WHIP - 1.23/1.27
K/9IP - 6.77/6.15
Jon Garland, 2005/2006
ERA - 3.50/4.51
WHIP - 1.17/1.36
K/9IP - 4.68/4.77
Ooh...Garland’s K/9IP actually increased in 2006; that makes up for the 1-run jump in ERA, right?
Cleveland Racial Slurs
-How did they miss the playoffs last year, or, for that matter, only win 78 games? Between Travis Hafner, Victor Martinez, and Grady Sizemore, they should have won at least, what, 80? If they can wrangle another 2005-season out of Jhonny Peralta, and if Josh Barfield is as good as everyone says he is, and if Shin-Soo Choo & Andy Marte keep bashing while developing, then the addition of David Delucci is just the grasping-at-straws that Cleveland needs to be dubbed Best Team in Baseball, an unofficial title that will be bestowed, smirkingly, on either Atlanta or Cleveland for refusing to CHANGE THEIR FUCKING NAMES;
-CC Sabathia has David Wells written all over him...and not the 230 wins, either; I’m talking about the gout.
Detroit Tigers
-All right...so add Garoid Sheffield to Ivan Roidriguez & Christianity’s Greatest Nice Guy in Sean Casey, and off the bat, so to speak, you’ve got three things I immediately dislike about the Tigers. Factor in their pathetic showing at the Fall Classic, and, like Atlanta, bloo bloooo blah;
-Brandon Inge is an extremely entertaining player at 3B, Magglio Ordonez is a blast to watch bash, and Craig Monroe’s swing is up there with ol’ Mags’ in terms of sweetness...just maybe not at the number two spot in the order;
-I’d bet that Kenny Rogers is so universally disliked he doesn‘t even get mosquito bites.
Kansas City Royals
-Odalis Perez could revert to his 2004-Dodger days, Octavio Dotel could resume that pre-Lidge closer career he started in Houston, and Zack Greinke could pitch like the second coming of Warren Spahn, but the Royals will still have that ridiculous Gil Meche contract dragging them further away from the George Brett days, and much, much closer to the upcoming triple-A days;
-How about this: If Meche scrapes out a better WHIP than AJ Burnett in 2007, I will buy an autographed Gil Meche baseball off eBay and send it off to him complete with a full signed apology...and a bill for the price of the ball, because, let‘s face it, he can afford it;
-I hear David DeJesus is pretty good, and the stats back that up: Yup. Pretty good.
Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim in, I Believe, Southern California
-Last post, I said that I would watch Frank Catalanotto hit over just about anybody except for Manny Ramirez, and that was egregious: watching Vladimir Guerrero hit, especially when he’s hot, is like watching Ramirez & Catalanotto hit at the same time, one on either side of the plate, fighting over pitches like two folk-singers over the last harmonica. What I should have said is pound-for-pound, Catalanotto is the most fun the watch in the box...not only ‘cause Cat is smaller than Vlad, but because it makes me sound like I know what I’m talking about;
-Gary Matthews Jr’s contract will be the millstone around the Angels’ neck; Shea Hillenbrand will be the gangrenous infection around the Angels’ middle-fingernail, and, well, there’s GOT to be some joke about Bartolo’s Colon in there somewhere...
Minnesota Twins
-I, like everyone else who thinks they’re smarter than the average bear/baseball enthusiast, picked Minnesota to go WAY deeper than round one of the playoffs...and, to be honest, I’m kinda pissed off about it - Joe Mauer wins a batting title, Justin Morneau wins the MVP, Johan Santana wins the pitcher’s award, whatever it’s called, and the A’s dumped them like a date with herpes;
-Regardless of how many games he misses to injuries, or balls he misplays once in the deciding game of the Twins 2006 season, Torii Hunter is always one of the best centerfielders in the game;
-It’s really too bad, for all baseball fans everywhere, that Minnesota couldn’t field Santana and a July-2006-era Francisco Liriano in the playoffs...those two would’ve gone through all comers like a two-pronged fork in a weakly-bound sausage.
New York Yankees
-My disgust of the Yankees & Atlanta (the baseball team, not the city, as far as I can tell) runs about neck-and-neck, the difference being that I couldn’t be bothered with Atlanta, but I’m the warm, fuzzy centre of the universe when the Yankees lose;
-Yes, I’m suggesting collusion, but why is the rest of baseball letting the Bombers off the hook? They’re going to give up young talent, to the Yankees, for the bloated contracts of decrepit almost-retirees? Just don’t let me hear everyone bitch about the Yankees unfair advantage once they start to dominate with their homegrown-ish talent again...Robinson Cano was enough. Nip it in the bud;
-I have a highlight-reel DVD full of Derek Jeter getting hit by pitches that I watch before I go to sleep every night, a crate of baseballs adorned with Alex Rodriguez’ pouting face that I use at the batting cages, and a voodoo doll of Jason Giamboid that doesn’t work any more because he’s already stuck himself with enough needles to render said doll useless...go ahead and try to tell me that your revulsion of the Yankees runs deeper than mine.
Oakland Athletics
-Nick Swisher is fun to watch play - and so is Eric Chavez, for that matter...even more so if the latter can start hitting again;
-Mike Piazza is Oakland’s new Frank Thomas, Milton Bradley is baseball’s new less-talented Albert Belle, and watching the Athletics is the new "meh";
-Isn’t that old hoary sports cliché of "rising to the challenge" just proof-positive that most athletes only really concentrate at certain times? I’m looking at you, Esteban Loaiza;
-Here we go: another season of pitch-taking, no-name hurlers making up free-agent-to-be resumes, and Joe Morgan refusing to acknowledge that Billy Beane didn’t write Moneyball.
Seattle Mariners
-What a bunch of stink out there in Seattle: Alfonso Soriano couldn’t play second in Washington because they had Jose Vidro entrenched there...and now Vidro’s DHing in Seattle because Jose Lopez is their entrenched two-bagger? Ichiro Suzuki finally relents and plays centerfield so the Mariners can get...Jose Guillen in right?;
-I say Adrian Beltre hits exactly 30 homers this year, and then never again sniffs the big three-oh;
-Felix Hernandez remains a tantalizing talent, Miguel Batista is hit-or-miss, and Jarrod Washburn fairly sucked in his first go-round with Seattle...but at least that fucking moron Carl Everett seems to have been drummed from the game. Score one for the M’s!
Tampa Bay Devil Rays
-Good news: Carl Crawford & Scott Kazmir;
-Bad news: Johnny Gomes can’t handle the curveball, Tropicana Field is an ugly monstrosity even through the TV, and Delmon Young, the guy who winged that bat at the umpire in that minor league game, is a complete asshole for that one incident alone...and, goddamn are they a wretched team to watch;
-I can’t think of Tampa Bay without also thinking of Lou Pinella - and not just the D-Rays, but Tampa itself...it’s my own private curse.
Texas Rangers
-Welcome back Sammy Sosa! 12 HR shy of 600, I’ve got the over/under of his homerun total at 20, qualified by the hometown launching pad of Ameriquest Field (and the condition of making the team on a minor-league contract), and the over/under of people applauding #600 outside of Texas at 4;
-I’m completely clouded in my judgment of Hank Blalock being a good player by his hilarious uppercut swing - I just want to see him succeed so I can watch that loopy thing more often;
-With the exception of Sosa, it’ll be hard not to root for the Rangers: Mark Teixeira switch-hit-bombing shots all over the AL, my man Frank Catalanotto DHing (not playing left exclusively, as stated in an earlier post), Michael Young freak-swinging at anything that moves, Eric Gagne attempting a return to 84-consecutive-save form, the aforementioned Blalock...goll-ee, will they be a fun bunch of varmints to watch!
Toronto Blue Jays
-The Big Hurt chasing 500 homeruns, a $126-million centerfielder, solid corners both infield and out, Roy Halladay...what more could a guy want from his hometown team?
-Well, to answer the above seemingly-rhetorical question, how about 30-starts from AJ Burnett, a return to form for Gustavo Chacin, somebody, anybody, other than Royce Clayton playing short...in fact, I’d take John McDonald’s .223 average as long as I didn’t have to face the thousands of people pointing and laughing at me because my Blue Jays have Clayton as their starting shortstop;
-Alex Rios is sitting, ass-cheeks splayed, directly on the fence: half-season flash in the pan, or athletic marvel who just happened to get a mysterious leg infection?
2006, pre-All-Star break
.330/.383/.585/.968
15 HR 20 2B 2 3B 53 RBI
2006, post-All-Star break
.261/.297/.411/.708
2 HR 13 2B 4 3B 29 RBI
Remember, this is a guy who, at one point, went some 500 at-bats with but a solitary homerun.
Fuck it; he’ll be great. ¶ 8:46 PM 0 Comments
I guess that explains why I have to watch the Jays vs. Devil Rays 45 times a year...
Baltimore Orioles
-It looks as though they’re just going to hitch their wagon to Miguel Tejada and ride on through into a fourth-place AL East finish...and judging by their off-season acquisitions, that might just be the best strategy;
-According to MLB.com, Aubrey Huff is second on the depth-chart at DH...behind Jay Gibbons. Sure, he’s also second banana to Melvin Mora at third and Jay Payton in left, but Baltimore is, I guess, settling for a DH platoon of two lefties that can’t really hit anymore;
-Hey, can Melvin Mora still hit? No? How ‘bout Kevin Millar? No, huh? Let’s see: that’s 15 HR a piece at first, third, left, center, right, DH...wow. And Tejada’s good for, what...25? 30? Good thing the Orioles have pitching or...oh.
Boston Red Sox
-Everybody bags on Mike Lowell’s shit, but, putting aside his .339 on-base percentage, he’s a pretty solid three-bagger, as far as three-baggers go;
-There’s been a tittering "debunking" of the Daisuke Matsuzaka "gyroball" going around national newspapers...because somebody found out that former skipper Bobby Valentine manages in Japan, and didn’t have anything extraordinary to say about the mysterious pitch. Yes, the same Bobby Valentine that, after being sent to the showers by a fed-up umpiring crew, showed back up in the dugout wearing Groucho Marx glasses...ha, ho;
-So Manny Ramirez gave up after the Yankees handed them the five-game sweep...who’s not still looking forward to watching David Ortiz and Ramirez hit back-to-back for 130-some-odd games? Depending, of course, on Manny’s OPS numbers come early September...
Chicago White Sox
-Mashers, they are. 151 HR from Dye, Thome, Konerko & Crede alone...makes me wonder if a new game can’t be invented, setting up Wrigley Field’s outfield back-to-back with US Cellular Field. Then, mid-game, we might be treated to Derrek Lee trying to hit a homerun off a Jim Thome homerun! It would be worth 100 runs, would happen exactly once a century, and we could call it Shitball!
-Now does everyone understand just how over their heads the 2005 starting rotation pitched?
Mark Buehrle, 2005/2006:
ERA - 3.12/4.99
WHIP - 1.18/1.45
K/9IP - 5.67/4.32
Jose Contreras, 2005/2006
ERA - 3.61/4.27
WHIP - 1.23/1.27
K/9IP - 6.77/6.15
Jon Garland, 2005/2006
ERA - 3.50/4.51
WHIP - 1.17/1.36
K/9IP - 4.68/4.77
Ooh...Garland’s K/9IP actually increased in 2006; that makes up for the 1-run jump in ERA, right?
Cleveland Racial Slurs
-How did they miss the playoffs last year, or, for that matter, only win 78 games? Between Travis Hafner, Victor Martinez, and Grady Sizemore, they should have won at least, what, 80? If they can wrangle another 2005-season out of Jhonny Peralta, and if Josh Barfield is as good as everyone says he is, and if Shin-Soo Choo & Andy Marte keep bashing while developing, then the addition of David Delucci is just the grasping-at-straws that Cleveland needs to be dubbed Best Team in Baseball, an unofficial title that will be bestowed, smirkingly, on either Atlanta or Cleveland for refusing to CHANGE THEIR FUCKING NAMES;
-CC Sabathia has David Wells written all over him...and not the 230 wins, either; I’m talking about the gout.
Detroit Tigers
-All right...so add Garoid Sheffield to Ivan Roidriguez & Christianity’s Greatest Nice Guy in Sean Casey, and off the bat, so to speak, you’ve got three things I immediately dislike about the Tigers. Factor in their pathetic showing at the Fall Classic, and, like Atlanta, bloo bloooo blah;
-Brandon Inge is an extremely entertaining player at 3B, Magglio Ordonez is a blast to watch bash, and Craig Monroe’s swing is up there with ol’ Mags’ in terms of sweetness...just maybe not at the number two spot in the order;
-I’d bet that Kenny Rogers is so universally disliked he doesn‘t even get mosquito bites.
Kansas City Royals
-Odalis Perez could revert to his 2004-Dodger days, Octavio Dotel could resume that pre-Lidge closer career he started in Houston, and Zack Greinke could pitch like the second coming of Warren Spahn, but the Royals will still have that ridiculous Gil Meche contract dragging them further away from the George Brett days, and much, much closer to the upcoming triple-A days;
-How about this: If Meche scrapes out a better WHIP than AJ Burnett in 2007, I will buy an autographed Gil Meche baseball off eBay and send it off to him complete with a full signed apology...and a bill for the price of the ball, because, let‘s face it, he can afford it;
-I hear David DeJesus is pretty good, and the stats back that up: Yup. Pretty good.
Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim in, I Believe, Southern California
-Last post, I said that I would watch Frank Catalanotto hit over just about anybody except for Manny Ramirez, and that was egregious: watching Vladimir Guerrero hit, especially when he’s hot, is like watching Ramirez & Catalanotto hit at the same time, one on either side of the plate, fighting over pitches like two folk-singers over the last harmonica. What I should have said is pound-for-pound, Catalanotto is the most fun the watch in the box...not only ‘cause Cat is smaller than Vlad, but because it makes me sound like I know what I’m talking about;
-Gary Matthews Jr’s contract will be the millstone around the Angels’ neck; Shea Hillenbrand will be the gangrenous infection around the Angels’ middle-fingernail, and, well, there’s GOT to be some joke about Bartolo’s Colon in there somewhere...
Minnesota Twins
-I, like everyone else who thinks they’re smarter than the average bear/baseball enthusiast, picked Minnesota to go WAY deeper than round one of the playoffs...and, to be honest, I’m kinda pissed off about it - Joe Mauer wins a batting title, Justin Morneau wins the MVP, Johan Santana wins the pitcher’s award, whatever it’s called, and the A’s dumped them like a date with herpes;
-Regardless of how many games he misses to injuries, or balls he misplays once in the deciding game of the Twins 2006 season, Torii Hunter is always one of the best centerfielders in the game;
-It’s really too bad, for all baseball fans everywhere, that Minnesota couldn’t field Santana and a July-2006-era Francisco Liriano in the playoffs...those two would’ve gone through all comers like a two-pronged fork in a weakly-bound sausage.
New York Yankees
-My disgust of the Yankees & Atlanta (the baseball team, not the city, as far as I can tell) runs about neck-and-neck, the difference being that I couldn’t be bothered with Atlanta, but I’m the warm, fuzzy centre of the universe when the Yankees lose;
-Yes, I’m suggesting collusion, but why is the rest of baseball letting the Bombers off the hook? They’re going to give up young talent, to the Yankees, for the bloated contracts of decrepit almost-retirees? Just don’t let me hear everyone bitch about the Yankees unfair advantage once they start to dominate with their homegrown-ish talent again...Robinson Cano was enough. Nip it in the bud;
-I have a highlight-reel DVD full of Derek Jeter getting hit by pitches that I watch before I go to sleep every night, a crate of baseballs adorned with Alex Rodriguez’ pouting face that I use at the batting cages, and a voodoo doll of Jason Giamboid that doesn’t work any more because he’s already stuck himself with enough needles to render said doll useless...go ahead and try to tell me that your revulsion of the Yankees runs deeper than mine.
Oakland Athletics
-Nick Swisher is fun to watch play - and so is Eric Chavez, for that matter...even more so if the latter can start hitting again;
-Mike Piazza is Oakland’s new Frank Thomas, Milton Bradley is baseball’s new less-talented Albert Belle, and watching the Athletics is the new "meh";
-Isn’t that old hoary sports cliché of "rising to the challenge" just proof-positive that most athletes only really concentrate at certain times? I’m looking at you, Esteban Loaiza;
-Here we go: another season of pitch-taking, no-name hurlers making up free-agent-to-be resumes, and Joe Morgan refusing to acknowledge that Billy Beane didn’t write Moneyball.
Seattle Mariners
-What a bunch of stink out there in Seattle: Alfonso Soriano couldn’t play second in Washington because they had Jose Vidro entrenched there...and now Vidro’s DHing in Seattle because Jose Lopez is their entrenched two-bagger? Ichiro Suzuki finally relents and plays centerfield so the Mariners can get...Jose Guillen in right?;
-I say Adrian Beltre hits exactly 30 homers this year, and then never again sniffs the big three-oh;
-Felix Hernandez remains a tantalizing talent, Miguel Batista is hit-or-miss, and Jarrod Washburn fairly sucked in his first go-round with Seattle...but at least that fucking moron Carl Everett seems to have been drummed from the game. Score one for the M’s!
Tampa Bay Devil Rays
-Good news: Carl Crawford & Scott Kazmir;
-Bad news: Johnny Gomes can’t handle the curveball, Tropicana Field is an ugly monstrosity even through the TV, and Delmon Young, the guy who winged that bat at the umpire in that minor league game, is a complete asshole for that one incident alone...and, goddamn are they a wretched team to watch;
-I can’t think of Tampa Bay without also thinking of Lou Pinella - and not just the D-Rays, but Tampa itself...it’s my own private curse.
Texas Rangers
-Welcome back Sammy Sosa! 12 HR shy of 600, I’ve got the over/under of his homerun total at 20, qualified by the hometown launching pad of Ameriquest Field (and the condition of making the team on a minor-league contract), and the over/under of people applauding #600 outside of Texas at 4;
-I’m completely clouded in my judgment of Hank Blalock being a good player by his hilarious uppercut swing - I just want to see him succeed so I can watch that loopy thing more often;
-With the exception of Sosa, it’ll be hard not to root for the Rangers: Mark Teixeira switch-hit-bombing shots all over the AL, my man Frank Catalanotto DHing (not playing left exclusively, as stated in an earlier post), Michael Young freak-swinging at anything that moves, Eric Gagne attempting a return to 84-consecutive-save form, the aforementioned Blalock...goll-ee, will they be a fun bunch of varmints to watch!
Toronto Blue Jays
-The Big Hurt chasing 500 homeruns, a $126-million centerfielder, solid corners both infield and out, Roy Halladay...what more could a guy want from his hometown team?
-Well, to answer the above seemingly-rhetorical question, how about 30-starts from AJ Burnett, a return to form for Gustavo Chacin, somebody, anybody, other than Royce Clayton playing short...in fact, I’d take John McDonald’s .223 average as long as I didn’t have to face the thousands of people pointing and laughing at me because my Blue Jays have Clayton as their starting shortstop;
-Alex Rios is sitting, ass-cheeks splayed, directly on the fence: half-season flash in the pan, or athletic marvel who just happened to get a mysterious leg infection?
2006, pre-All-Star break
.330/.383/.585/.968
15 HR 20 2B 2 3B 53 RBI
2006, post-All-Star break
.261/.297/.411/.708
2 HR 13 2B 4 3B 29 RBI
Remember, this is a guy who, at one point, went some 500 at-bats with but a solitary homerun.
Fuck it; he’ll be great. ¶ 8:46 PM 0 Comments
The Too-Early Preview: National League
It only sounds mind-numbing; patience, my friends.
Yes, I’m breaking-down EVERY MLB TEAM, but in the least scientific way possible, and that’s with two tablets of reticence and a big, tall glass of sloppy-journalism...and, after much deliberation, I’m doing it in two parts. This tried-and-true format is less to make it easy to search out your favourite team, and more because even I probably couldn’t get through 30 mini-encapsulations in one go, and I love my own writing.
(I originally had a great line in here about witty criticisms being, possibly, critty witticisms, but the whole thing had this rancorous vibe that wasn’t in keeping with the level of hilarity I try to produce...and you’re most certainly welcome for the omission.)
Arizona Diamondbacks
-Randy Johnson’s back in the pasture, grazing his way to 300 wins and the Fall of Hame or whatever that place is called, ready to retire in the dry heat of Arizona instead of the bright lights of New York;
-Orlando Hudson is the most entertaining defensive player in baseball and, really, the only Diamondback I’d pay to watch play...oh, wait. Eric Byrnes? All right, I’ll dish out to see him bash himself stupid against the leftfield wall;
-By the by, Brandon Webb’s "Cy Young" year was pretty underwhelming:
16-10 3.10 ERA
1.13 WHIP 6.82 K/9IP
5 CG 3 SHO
68.9 VORP
Just in case you thought he did something better than that...nope.
Atlanta Racial Slurs
-Pretty sound offence, though you’d think Jeff Francoeur was dinging blasts off the fucking moon by all the press he’s getting. Dude had an on-base percentage of .293 last year...a crippled snake with a bus pass walks more than he does;
-I’ve never been to Atlanta but GODDAMN do I hate their baseball team;
-Tim Hudson might rebound from a blah blah blah season with the blah blah blah blooooooooo BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORING!
Chicago Cubs
-Seriously: Derrek Lee, Aramis Ramirez, and Alfonso Soriano, all hitting at Wrigley? Good God.
-Good God and Good Thing too, as the Cubbies’ keystone-combo rakes about as well as a limbless crack-whore in the concrete of East-Hammertown;
-If Ted Lilly & Jason Marquis combine for more than 30 wins, I’ll send them both "World’s Greatest Grandpa" mugs...to hell with the expense;
-Does anybody still think that Mark Prior’s "mechanics" are the greatest thing to happen to Baseball since Cal Ripken Jr?
Cincinnati Reds
-Does Ken Griffey Jr have anything left, and will he drag it with him to rightfield?
-That’s three years in a row that Adam Dunn has crushed 40 or more homeruns, and all anybody can talk about is his batting average. Yeah, .234 is pretty dumb, as is his fielding in left, but hitting bombs and walking 100 times a year isn’t worse than getting 2 hits per ten at-bats instead of three, I assure you;
-I’ve said it before, and here it is again, like a fastfood-before-bed recurring-nightmare: Boy, did the Red Sox blow it with the whole Wily Mo Pena-for-Bronson Arroyo thing.
Colorado Rockies
-I’m calling out "comeback year" for Javy Lopez...less because I have faith in ol’ Javy, more because I believe that, given a full year, I could go .300/30/100 in Colorado:
Ryan Lawson, Coors Field
.370/.420/.540
35 2B
10 3B
32 HR
3000 RBI
Ryan Lawson, away from Coors Field
.191/.280/.290
1 2B (ricochet off pitcher resulting in semi-deep bruise)
1 3B (ricochet off rightfielder who had already fallen down with a broken ankle before ball was pitched)
1 HR (inside-the-parker - a ninth inning, two-out, two-strike bunt appears to go foul, and opposing players head to locker room; one senile umpire calls the ball fair, quietly, and watches intently as I round the bases like a thoroughbred charging for freedom; three-quarters of the opposing team are already in street-clothes as they’re told to resume the game that hadn’t finished yet; I am beaned in my first at-bat the next night)
5 RBI
-Honestly, Matt Holliday: .326/.387/.586? 34 HR? 45 2B?
-For serious, Garrett Atkins: .329/.409/.556? 29 HR? 48 2B?
-Riiiiiiiiiight.
Florida Marlins
-If it weren’t for Albert Pujols, Miguel Cabrera would be getting more ink than an imploding squid;
-Pretty impressive rookie year for Dan Uggla, with the 27 jacks at 2B, and that Hanley Ramirez at short looks like a decade worth of extra-bases...74 with the bat, 51 pilfered;
-Good luck to Anibal Sanchez - after that no-hitter last year, as a rookie, 2007 is going to feel like the day after X-Mas...
All.
Year.
Houston Astros
-I bitched and moaned about the Astros for all of 2006, and rightly so...though maybe it’s because they seemed to get an unrepresentative amount of time on national broadcasts. This year, watching Houston play might not be like shoving garden shears into my rectum while playing "tag" with a porcupine filthy with rabies;
-Carlos Lee: whatever. But they did move Willy Taveras to make room for Chris Burke and got Jason Jennings in return...the same Jennings who somehow managed a 3.78 ERA while playing in Colorado’s arcade-game park;
-Best of all, no more Pettitte, no more Rocket, no more drama...just Roy Oswalt ruling the roost, hoping that Brad Lidge can figure out how to save games again.
Los Angeles Dodgers
-I’m very evenly divided: I love watching Nomar Garciaparra hit, I hope Juan Pierre can return to his .320-hitting days, and I don’t have a problem with either Brad Penny or Jason Schmidt;
-Luis Gonzalez? Bah! Rafael Furcal is a has-been without ever having been a "has", and Jeff Kent has about as much business playing second as I do bitching about it. The main difference, of course, is that unlike Kent, I’m funny;
-Go Nomar.
Milwaukee Brewers
-Like the Bucks in the NBA, I am constantly amazed when it’s brought to my attention that Milwaukee hosts a Major League Baseball team;
-I mean, I’m looking up the individual stats just now, having no prior knowledge of goings-on over this past season: Baby Big Daddy Fielder hit 28 bombs as a rook, Bill Hall (?) smacked 35, and now they have .300-hitting (and .328-OBPing) Johnny Estrada behind the plate...and yet, still, I am unenthused;
-Maybe it’s Bud Selig - regardless of his ownership status, I’ll always identify this club with ol’ droopy-faced, fuckstick Bud and that skin-crawlingly irritating voice of his;
-OOOOOH! Jeff "I’m-a-man-of-Christ-and-I-don’t-support-stem-cell-research" Suppan is a Brewer! Oh well...maybe Ben Sheets can regain his 2004-form and return the Milwaukee Brewers to glory.
Sorry; sometimes, when you get a good idea for a joke, well...you just have to run with it.
New York Mets
-After Minnesota went down, I thought the Mets had it all locked up...and then Yadier Molina went and fucked up the entire World Series;
-Yes, I admit to Carlos Delgado man-love...and he’s going to keep mashing his way to 500 bombs, surrounded as he is by David Wright, Carlos Beltran, and now the 800-year-old Moises Alou;
-Jose Reyes proved he’s a legitimate scoring machine, and the Mets will need all of his speedy excitement to get over the fact that, for the first time in recorded baseball history, they don’t have anyone to pitch.
Philadelphia Phillies
-I’ll tell you what - if Philadelphia was my team I’d be pretty happy with Jimmy Rollins, Chase Utley, and Ryan Howard at the top of my lineup;
-Throw in Pat Burrell and a formerly great (okay, a one season great) Aaron Rowand, and you’ve got yourself five-ninths of a slightly-superior batting order;
-Freddy Garcia is far and away their best pitcher...and let that stand for what it will in regards to the rest of the staff.
Pittsburgh Pirates
-Jason Bay might’ve shot his stock up a little too high with his monstrous 2005 - career numbers in HR & RBI don’t offset the 15 extra-base-hit drop in 2006;
-They’ve just added Adam LaRoche, which means I can now enjoy watching him play;
-Let’s see a show of hands: who thinks Freddy Sanchez will get within 30-points of his .344 average last year? Freddy, put your hand down...
San Diego Padres
-Pretty interesting keystone-combo there with Khalil Greene & Marcus Giles - if they "play like they can" as Christine Neziol from my softball team is fond of saying, then they may be the best double-play duo in the majors;
-Brian Giles is the anti-Francoeur: he’d still be walking if it was made illegal and he broke both his legs;
-Saves might not actually mean anything, really, but 500 is a great number, and Trevor Hoffman is 18 away...add in Greg Maddux and a possible Jake Peavy resurgence, and San Diego looks like the place to be. Though mostly because I hear it’s really sunny, like, all the time.
San Francisco Giants
-Oh, Barry: since I have relented and bought a copy of Game of Shadows, entirely because the authors are on the verge, ludicrously, of going to prison, I now await your destruction of the career-homerun-record with glee. I will title a post with the date of the tarnishing, and the body will contain but one "quote" of yours from the book...maybe someone can smuggle a copy of it to you whilst you write out your revenge list in prison;
-If Barry Zito ever utters a word about playing the game for anything other than money, he should be dragged across the jagged rocks of ‘Frisco Bay until he writes a 50-cent cheque to every single person populating the United States;
-Geez, what ever happened to Steve Finley? Remember? 36 HR in 2004 at 39 years of age? 12 in 2005 after steroid-testing fully took hold? SIX last year? Boy oh boy, is that ever strange...
St. Louis Cardinals
-Albert Pujols can be as misquoted as he wants about the whole the-MVP-should-go-to-a-playoff-team bullshit - from now on, he’ll be referred to as that Whiny Little Shit (WLS) until he says something cool enough to let me forget his whimpering;
-What is it about Scott Rolen that makes everyone dewy-eyed for old-timey, hard-workin’ basbeall players? Personally, I think it’s the snub-nose - it subconsciously makes him look as though he’s really putting that thing to the grindstone;
-Like Secretariat, when they cut open David Eckstein after he’s dead, they’ll find a heart 30-times the average human’s...and, also like Secretariat, they’ll shave-off bits of his corpse and make a ventricle-corked, stretched-skin-rawhide baseball, and I will buy that baseball from a downtrodden collector in 40 years for three packs of matches and the promise of coffee at a later date.
Washington Nationals
-Omigod...listen this starting outfield: Kory Casto, Nook Logan, Austin Kearns. That totally sounds like some college kid hacked into MLB.com;
-Make fun all you want - at least the Jays didn’t spend a kajillion dollars on Royce Clayton like the Nationals did with Cristian Guzman;
-Nick Johnson is Washington’s lone "proven" power source...that should tell you all you need to know.
¶ 8:35 PM 0 Comments
Yes, I’m breaking-down EVERY MLB TEAM, but in the least scientific way possible, and that’s with two tablets of reticence and a big, tall glass of sloppy-journalism...and, after much deliberation, I’m doing it in two parts. This tried-and-true format is less to make it easy to search out your favourite team, and more because even I probably couldn’t get through 30 mini-encapsulations in one go, and I love my own writing.
(I originally had a great line in here about witty criticisms being, possibly, critty witticisms, but the whole thing had this rancorous vibe that wasn’t in keeping with the level of hilarity I try to produce...and you’re most certainly welcome for the omission.)
Arizona Diamondbacks
-Randy Johnson’s back in the pasture, grazing his way to 300 wins and the Fall of Hame or whatever that place is called, ready to retire in the dry heat of Arizona instead of the bright lights of New York;
-Orlando Hudson is the most entertaining defensive player in baseball and, really, the only Diamondback I’d pay to watch play...oh, wait. Eric Byrnes? All right, I’ll dish out to see him bash himself stupid against the leftfield wall;
-By the by, Brandon Webb’s "Cy Young" year was pretty underwhelming:
16-10 3.10 ERA
1.13 WHIP 6.82 K/9IP
5 CG 3 SHO
68.9 VORP
Just in case you thought he did something better than that...nope.
Atlanta Racial Slurs
-Pretty sound offence, though you’d think Jeff Francoeur was dinging blasts off the fucking moon by all the press he’s getting. Dude had an on-base percentage of .293 last year...a crippled snake with a bus pass walks more than he does;
-I’ve never been to Atlanta but GODDAMN do I hate their baseball team;
-Tim Hudson might rebound from a blah blah blah season with the blah blah blah blooooooooo BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORING!
Chicago Cubs
-Seriously: Derrek Lee, Aramis Ramirez, and Alfonso Soriano, all hitting at Wrigley? Good God.
-Good God and Good Thing too, as the Cubbies’ keystone-combo rakes about as well as a limbless crack-whore in the concrete of East-Hammertown;
-If Ted Lilly & Jason Marquis combine for more than 30 wins, I’ll send them both "World’s Greatest Grandpa" mugs...to hell with the expense;
-Does anybody still think that Mark Prior’s "mechanics" are the greatest thing to happen to Baseball since Cal Ripken Jr?
Cincinnati Reds
-Does Ken Griffey Jr have anything left, and will he drag it with him to rightfield?
-That’s three years in a row that Adam Dunn has crushed 40 or more homeruns, and all anybody can talk about is his batting average. Yeah, .234 is pretty dumb, as is his fielding in left, but hitting bombs and walking 100 times a year isn’t worse than getting 2 hits per ten at-bats instead of three, I assure you;
-I’ve said it before, and here it is again, like a fastfood-before-bed recurring-nightmare: Boy, did the Red Sox blow it with the whole Wily Mo Pena-for-Bronson Arroyo thing.
Colorado Rockies
-I’m calling out "comeback year" for Javy Lopez...less because I have faith in ol’ Javy, more because I believe that, given a full year, I could go .300/30/100 in Colorado:
Ryan Lawson, Coors Field
.370/.420/.540
35 2B
10 3B
32 HR
3000 RBI
Ryan Lawson, away from Coors Field
.191/.280/.290
1 2B (ricochet off pitcher resulting in semi-deep bruise)
1 3B (ricochet off rightfielder who had already fallen down with a broken ankle before ball was pitched)
1 HR (inside-the-parker - a ninth inning, two-out, two-strike bunt appears to go foul, and opposing players head to locker room; one senile umpire calls the ball fair, quietly, and watches intently as I round the bases like a thoroughbred charging for freedom; three-quarters of the opposing team are already in street-clothes as they’re told to resume the game that hadn’t finished yet; I am beaned in my first at-bat the next night)
5 RBI
-Honestly, Matt Holliday: .326/.387/.586? 34 HR? 45 2B?
-For serious, Garrett Atkins: .329/.409/.556? 29 HR? 48 2B?
-Riiiiiiiiiight.
Florida Marlins
-If it weren’t for Albert Pujols, Miguel Cabrera would be getting more ink than an imploding squid;
-Pretty impressive rookie year for Dan Uggla, with the 27 jacks at 2B, and that Hanley Ramirez at short looks like a decade worth of extra-bases...74 with the bat, 51 pilfered;
-Good luck to Anibal Sanchez - after that no-hitter last year, as a rookie, 2007 is going to feel like the day after X-Mas...
All.
Year.
Houston Astros
-I bitched and moaned about the Astros for all of 2006, and rightly so...though maybe it’s because they seemed to get an unrepresentative amount of time on national broadcasts. This year, watching Houston play might not be like shoving garden shears into my rectum while playing "tag" with a porcupine filthy with rabies;
-Carlos Lee: whatever. But they did move Willy Taveras to make room for Chris Burke and got Jason Jennings in return...the same Jennings who somehow managed a 3.78 ERA while playing in Colorado’s arcade-game park;
-Best of all, no more Pettitte, no more Rocket, no more drama...just Roy Oswalt ruling the roost, hoping that Brad Lidge can figure out how to save games again.
Los Angeles Dodgers
-I’m very evenly divided: I love watching Nomar Garciaparra hit, I hope Juan Pierre can return to his .320-hitting days, and I don’t have a problem with either Brad Penny or Jason Schmidt;
-Luis Gonzalez? Bah! Rafael Furcal is a has-been without ever having been a "has", and Jeff Kent has about as much business playing second as I do bitching about it. The main difference, of course, is that unlike Kent, I’m funny;
-Go Nomar.
Milwaukee Brewers
-Like the Bucks in the NBA, I am constantly amazed when it’s brought to my attention that Milwaukee hosts a Major League Baseball team;
-I mean, I’m looking up the individual stats just now, having no prior knowledge of goings-on over this past season: Baby Big Daddy Fielder hit 28 bombs as a rook, Bill Hall (?) smacked 35, and now they have .300-hitting (and .328-OBPing) Johnny Estrada behind the plate...and yet, still, I am unenthused;
-Maybe it’s Bud Selig - regardless of his ownership status, I’ll always identify this club with ol’ droopy-faced, fuckstick Bud and that skin-crawlingly irritating voice of his;
-OOOOOH! Jeff "I’m-a-man-of-Christ-and-I-don’t-support-stem-cell-research" Suppan is a Brewer! Oh well...maybe Ben Sheets can regain his 2004-form and return the Milwaukee Brewers to glory.
Sorry; sometimes, when you get a good idea for a joke, well...you just have to run with it.
New York Mets
-After Minnesota went down, I thought the Mets had it all locked up...and then Yadier Molina went and fucked up the entire World Series;
-Yes, I admit to Carlos Delgado man-love...and he’s going to keep mashing his way to 500 bombs, surrounded as he is by David Wright, Carlos Beltran, and now the 800-year-old Moises Alou;
-Jose Reyes proved he’s a legitimate scoring machine, and the Mets will need all of his speedy excitement to get over the fact that, for the first time in recorded baseball history, they don’t have anyone to pitch.
Philadelphia Phillies
-I’ll tell you what - if Philadelphia was my team I’d be pretty happy with Jimmy Rollins, Chase Utley, and Ryan Howard at the top of my lineup;
-Throw in Pat Burrell and a formerly great (okay, a one season great) Aaron Rowand, and you’ve got yourself five-ninths of a slightly-superior batting order;
-Freddy Garcia is far and away their best pitcher...and let that stand for what it will in regards to the rest of the staff.
Pittsburgh Pirates
-Jason Bay might’ve shot his stock up a little too high with his monstrous 2005 - career numbers in HR & RBI don’t offset the 15 extra-base-hit drop in 2006;
-They’ve just added Adam LaRoche, which means I can now enjoy watching him play;
-Let’s see a show of hands: who thinks Freddy Sanchez will get within 30-points of his .344 average last year? Freddy, put your hand down...
San Diego Padres
-Pretty interesting keystone-combo there with Khalil Greene & Marcus Giles - if they "play like they can" as Christine Neziol from my softball team is fond of saying, then they may be the best double-play duo in the majors;
-Brian Giles is the anti-Francoeur: he’d still be walking if it was made illegal and he broke both his legs;
-Saves might not actually mean anything, really, but 500 is a great number, and Trevor Hoffman is 18 away...add in Greg Maddux and a possible Jake Peavy resurgence, and San Diego looks like the place to be. Though mostly because I hear it’s really sunny, like, all the time.
San Francisco Giants
-Oh, Barry: since I have relented and bought a copy of Game of Shadows, entirely because the authors are on the verge, ludicrously, of going to prison, I now await your destruction of the career-homerun-record with glee. I will title a post with the date of the tarnishing, and the body will contain but one "quote" of yours from the book...maybe someone can smuggle a copy of it to you whilst you write out your revenge list in prison;
-If Barry Zito ever utters a word about playing the game for anything other than money, he should be dragged across the jagged rocks of ‘Frisco Bay until he writes a 50-cent cheque to every single person populating the United States;
-Geez, what ever happened to Steve Finley? Remember? 36 HR in 2004 at 39 years of age? 12 in 2005 after steroid-testing fully took hold? SIX last year? Boy oh boy, is that ever strange...
St. Louis Cardinals
-Albert Pujols can be as misquoted as he wants about the whole the-MVP-should-go-to-a-playoff-team bullshit - from now on, he’ll be referred to as that Whiny Little Shit (WLS) until he says something cool enough to let me forget his whimpering;
-What is it about Scott Rolen that makes everyone dewy-eyed for old-timey, hard-workin’ basbeall players? Personally, I think it’s the snub-nose - it subconsciously makes him look as though he’s really putting that thing to the grindstone;
-Like Secretariat, when they cut open David Eckstein after he’s dead, they’ll find a heart 30-times the average human’s...and, also like Secretariat, they’ll shave-off bits of his corpse and make a ventricle-corked, stretched-skin-rawhide baseball, and I will buy that baseball from a downtrodden collector in 40 years for three packs of matches and the promise of coffee at a later date.
Washington Nationals
-Omigod...listen this starting outfield: Kory Casto, Nook Logan, Austin Kearns. That totally sounds like some college kid hacked into MLB.com;
-Make fun all you want - at least the Jays didn’t spend a kajillion dollars on Royce Clayton like the Nationals did with Cristian Guzman;
-Nick Johnson is Washington’s lone "proven" power source...that should tell you all you need to know.
¶ 8:35 PM 0 Comments
Monday, January 15, 2007
I’m Going to Miss Frank Catalanotto
If one were to stare at that post-title too long, one might get the feeling that I had this elaborate plan to book a SkyDome hotel-suite, lustily sniper-firing into the Texas Rangers once they came to town, but holding off once I got Ol’ Cat in my sights...
Or, possibly, I myself just stared at that post-title for too long, scared of the uninviting blank space beneath it that I am attempting to fill with 2007-era hilarity.
(A note to aspiring paychequeless writers: trying to cavalierly write a Baseball post in mid-January cannot be done on gumption alone; actually having something to say, preferably on-par with the heading of the piece, makes it a lot easier.)
I’ve earlier stated my preference for watching a Catalanotto at-bat over anyone save for Manny Ramirez; his two-strike hitting was a joy to behold, fouling off ball after ball, spoiling more pitches than an grumpy advertising-executive, until, three-times-out-of-ten, he would send a soft-liner the other way for a single.
Speaking of singles, Cat holds the Bluebirds’ record for hits in a nine-inning game with six; of those six, in Chicago, if I’m not mistaken, I believe five were singles.
(5.1.04 - second game of a doubleheader against the White Sox: 91st player since 1900 to record six hits in a game. 6 for 6, 2 runs, 2 RBI, 5 singles, 1 double. I’m a fucking memory-machine.)
Excepting his 2004, the year in which he had that 6-hit game that was also an injury-plagued one, Cat’s average year with the Jays looks like this:
130 games
.300/.358/.455/.813
33 2B
4 3B
9 HR
58 RBI
And though career-highs in homeruns, doubles, runs, RBI, total bases, and walks came in Jays’ blue, his best season was, by far, his 2001 with his new-old team, the Rangers:
133 games
.330/.391/.490/.881
31 2B
5 3B
11 HR
54 RBI
15/20 SB
Who can blame him for going back to the launching-pad in Texas, to play leftfield instead of platooning with Reed Johnson, to recapture the glory of his 2001 season?
It’s just too bad that I won’t be able to watch him hit everyday.
That’s all.
*SIGH*
I think I’m on my period.
¶ 8:56 AM 0 Comments
Or, possibly, I myself just stared at that post-title for too long, scared of the uninviting blank space beneath it that I am attempting to fill with 2007-era hilarity.
(A note to aspiring paychequeless writers: trying to cavalierly write a Baseball post in mid-January cannot be done on gumption alone; actually having something to say, preferably on-par with the heading of the piece, makes it a lot easier.)
I’ve earlier stated my preference for watching a Catalanotto at-bat over anyone save for Manny Ramirez; his two-strike hitting was a joy to behold, fouling off ball after ball, spoiling more pitches than an grumpy advertising-executive, until, three-times-out-of-ten, he would send a soft-liner the other way for a single.
Speaking of singles, Cat holds the Bluebirds’ record for hits in a nine-inning game with six; of those six, in Chicago, if I’m not mistaken, I believe five were singles.
(5.1.04 - second game of a doubleheader against the White Sox: 91st player since 1900 to record six hits in a game. 6 for 6, 2 runs, 2 RBI, 5 singles, 1 double. I’m a fucking memory-machine.)
Excepting his 2004, the year in which he had that 6-hit game that was also an injury-plagued one, Cat’s average year with the Jays looks like this:
130 games
.300/.358/.455/.813
33 2B
4 3B
9 HR
58 RBI
And though career-highs in homeruns, doubles, runs, RBI, total bases, and walks came in Jays’ blue, his best season was, by far, his 2001 with his new-old team, the Rangers:
133 games
.330/.391/.490/.881
31 2B
5 3B
11 HR
54 RBI
15/20 SB
Who can blame him for going back to the launching-pad in Texas, to play leftfield instead of platooning with Reed Johnson, to recapture the glory of his 2001 season?
It’s just too bad that I won’t be able to watch him hit everyday.
That’s all.
*SIGH*
I think I’m on my period.
¶ 8:56 AM 0 Comments
