Monday, October 23, 2006
The RBI Watch & Those Super-Duper Astros
Originally posted July 17, 2006.
Carlos Zambrano of the Chicago Cubs is our new leader with 8 big, fat RBIs...he’s also having a nice little season at 9-3 with a 3.23 ERA and second in the majors with 131 K. There; now that we’ve got that piece of business out of the way, let’s get into the meat and potatoes of this post: I...fucking...HATE...the Houston Astros. They’re as fun to watch as a diseased marmot being eaten by a crazed prostitute; they hit like they’re swinging licorice, and ENOUGH ALREADY about Andy Pettitte’s "buddy" Roger Clemens. I love the comment by Lance Berkman, who’s hitting the living shit out of the ball (.324/1.019/25 HR/85 RBI) but still looks to be somewhat of a dipshit himself, that he was "pissed" about all this talk of the Astros giving Rocket Roger no support.
Ah. That makes sense; he’s mad at the reporters because Clemens has an ERA under 3...and has 3 losses in 5 starts; he’s mad because the Astros have given him just over 3 runs a game during those starts, including two gems of 1 run and zero runs; he’s not mad that, aside from him, the Astros’ offence looks like 8 basketball players shooting at a hoop the size of a cock-ring? I’ve seen them twice on Sunday Night Baseball, and the only person worth sitting and watching hit is Berkman...and he just gets walked if there are men on base. BORING. And no, I don’t blame the game itself, like everyone in San Francisco did when Barry Bonds was getting all those walks; I blame the Houston front office, who has surrounded Berkman with the likes of Preston Wilson, a creaky Craig Biggio, and Adam Everett. Sure, they "landed" a rapidly declining Aubrey Huff, but he’s taking the place of last year’s 36-HR machine Morgan Ensberg, who is on the DL with his .236 batting average. All this and I like Roy Oswalt.
Enough’s enough; get them off of nationally-televised programs until they, collectively, can hit better than me when I’m drunk.
Albert Pujols is still on pace for 145 RBI, and talk about hitting the tar out of the ball:
.328/1.169/31 HR/82 RBI in 74 of the Cardinals’ 91 games.
Christ, that’s good; dude’s slugging .726 for fuck’s sake.
(side note: sorry about all of the swearing; I’ve just started work at a job that places a premium on NOT swearing, and, well...I’m hot, too. That right there, my friends, is some pretty poor justification for cursing like I’ve caught my lips in a car door.)
Another non-sequitor: If any of you want the physical manifestation as to why AJ Pierzynski is so loathed, check out his picture at MLB.com:
...there’s just something about that face that makes me want to stick a cattle prod in his eye. I can’t wait for the days after he retires and he gets pummeled for talking trash at the Mafioso card-game he’s turned to when the excitement of the Bright Lights is gone. Beautiful imagery.*
*I couldn’t bring myself to create another post on AJ Pierzynski, so this is an edit from the day after The Sucker Punch that Michael Barrett of the Cubs laid on ol’ AJ’s kisser. Suffice it to say, it was a beautiful thing, and it’s nice to know that his face was, indeed, just that punchable.
¶ 2:52 PM
Carlos Zambrano of the Chicago Cubs is our new leader with 8 big, fat RBIs...he’s also having a nice little season at 9-3 with a 3.23 ERA and second in the majors with 131 K. There; now that we’ve got that piece of business out of the way, let’s get into the meat and potatoes of this post: I...fucking...HATE...the Houston Astros. They’re as fun to watch as a diseased marmot being eaten by a crazed prostitute; they hit like they’re swinging licorice, and ENOUGH ALREADY about Andy Pettitte’s "buddy" Roger Clemens. I love the comment by Lance Berkman, who’s hitting the living shit out of the ball (.324/1.019/25 HR/85 RBI) but still looks to be somewhat of a dipshit himself, that he was "pissed" about all this talk of the Astros giving Rocket Roger no support.
Ah. That makes sense; he’s mad at the reporters because Clemens has an ERA under 3...and has 3 losses in 5 starts; he’s mad because the Astros have given him just over 3 runs a game during those starts, including two gems of 1 run and zero runs; he’s not mad that, aside from him, the Astros’ offence looks like 8 basketball players shooting at a hoop the size of a cock-ring? I’ve seen them twice on Sunday Night Baseball, and the only person worth sitting and watching hit is Berkman...and he just gets walked if there are men on base. BORING. And no, I don’t blame the game itself, like everyone in San Francisco did when Barry Bonds was getting all those walks; I blame the Houston front office, who has surrounded Berkman with the likes of Preston Wilson, a creaky Craig Biggio, and Adam Everett. Sure, they "landed" a rapidly declining Aubrey Huff, but he’s taking the place of last year’s 36-HR machine Morgan Ensberg, who is on the DL with his .236 batting average. All this and I like Roy Oswalt.
Enough’s enough; get them off of nationally-televised programs until they, collectively, can hit better than me when I’m drunk.
Albert Pujols is still on pace for 145 RBI, and talk about hitting the tar out of the ball:
.328/1.169/31 HR/82 RBI in 74 of the Cardinals’ 91 games.
Christ, that’s good; dude’s slugging .726 for fuck’s sake.
(side note: sorry about all of the swearing; I’ve just started work at a job that places a premium on NOT swearing, and, well...I’m hot, too. That right there, my friends, is some pretty poor justification for cursing like I’ve caught my lips in a car door.)
Another non-sequitor: If any of you want the physical manifestation as to why AJ Pierzynski is so loathed, check out his picture at MLB.com:
...there’s just something about that face that makes me want to stick a cattle prod in his eye. I can’t wait for the days after he retires and he gets pummeled for talking trash at the Mafioso card-game he’s turned to when the excitement of the Bright Lights is gone. Beautiful imagery.*
*I couldn’t bring myself to create another post on AJ Pierzynski, so this is an edit from the day after The Sucker Punch that Michael Barrett of the Cubs laid on ol’ AJ’s kisser. Suffice it to say, it was a beautiful thing, and it’s nice to know that his face was, indeed, just that punchable.
¶ 2:52 PM
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