Monday, October 23, 2006
Irresponsible Bloggetry: Baseless, Mean-Spirited Steroid Accusations
Originally posted April 1, 2006.
Let’s get right to it: How to figure out, with absolutely no evidence whatsoever, who was full of something other than their mother’s love during this, the Steroid Era? Well, if we take those who have admitted to using explicitly (Ken Caminiti, Jose Canseco), implicitly (Mark McGwire), or openly, though in "sealed" grand jury documents (Jason Giambi, Garry Sheffield, Barry Bonds), as well as those fingered by Jose Canseco (Rafael Palmeiro, Ivan Rodriguez), we begin, for the most part, to see a pattern: Action-Figure-sized ballplayers denoting obvious steroid use.
Rodriguez shrank startlingly in 2005, a la 2004-Giambi, and Palmeiro infamously failed that drug test last year, proving that Canseco wasn’t all blather, while also sticking a nail in the coffin of the idea that one could tell who was juicing by physical inspection alone; most anyone looking at Palmeiro, especially compared to Super-Heroes such as McGwire and Canseco, wouldn’t think "user" right off the bat, so to speak, but therein lies the problem of what I’m trying to accomplish, judging users from very little information here in my Hammertown bunker...but so what? Using the Action-Figure model, one could assume that Albert Belle, Dante Bichette & Bret Boone were all using, if one were so inclined...and if Sammy Sosa wasn’t juicing, then I have no faith in any of the elements that make up reality; I deny time, space and our very existence if Sosa was clean.
Using the Late-Career-Power-Surge model, one would also be able to include Brady Anderson and his ludicrous 1996 season as well, as most don’t reach 50 homers for the first time at age 32, much less from the leadoff spot. Oh, and that was 29 more than he had ever hit before, and 26 more than he ever hit again. Bonds is another well-documented example of this, going for 49 HR at age 35, and then the subsequent years of 73, 46, 45, 45...all after age 35, when he set his first career high. What about the lithe-framed Steve Finley? 10 HR at age 30, 30 the next year? 3 more 30+ HR in the following years, including a career-high 36 at age 39? That’s 238 HR between the ages of 31 & 39, and that’s ridiculous; Ted Williams hit 217 over the same span in his career, and he‘s Ted Fucking Williams. Luis Gonzalez hit 57 at age 33, and didn’t hit even 23 until he was 30; Jay Bell, furthering the possible Arizona-connection, hit 38 at age 33, which is 17 more than he had ever managed before, and 20 more than he ever managed again; Lenny Dykstra & Darren Daulton? Come on. These two fall into my Sosa-Level of certainty, especially around 1993, or, their World Series appearance; Dykstra’s jump to 19 HR, from a previous high of 10 set 6 years earlier, was less telling than just seeing his squat, muscle-bound frame launch bomb after bomb in said World Series, and Daulton’s 51 HR over ‘92-’93 were as anomalous as his too-big-for-his-frame muscles. But, to be fair, Jay Buhner hit 40 HR at 30, which was 13 more than his previous best, but Buhner wasn’t a second baseman averaging just over 10 a year, like Jay Bell; Buhner was averaging 25 a year for the four years before his 40...I’m not saying he certainly wasn’t on steroids, but it’s a much easier leap, at least perception-wise, for a bashing galoot corner outfielder to go for 40 then for a 185 lb. middle-infielder.
Of course, these examples are just the glaring, obvious examples of How Human Physiology Shouldn‘t Work, not including the reserve infielders who juiced up to hit 3 HR instead of none, or the relief pitchers trying to stick with the Big Club by throwing 98 mph instead of 92, or the natural-born mashers who add maybe 10 HR to their already impressive totals, and several millions to their already impressive paycheques...ah, steroids. So much entertainment from guys with such little nutsacks.
End of original post.
Now we’ve got the did-they-maybe "accusations" put forth from the under-interrogation ramblings of Jason Grimsley: Roger Clemens, Andy Pettitte, Miguel Tejada, Brian Roberts & Jay Gibbons, all swiped at with the steroid-brush.
This is just a never-ending well of hilarity and back-tracking Major Leaguers, and it couldn’t be more enjoyable; just wait until Alex Rodriguez tests positive for caffeine-related amphetamines from drinking that one extra Red Bull. ¶ 10:30 AM
Let’s get right to it: How to figure out, with absolutely no evidence whatsoever, who was full of something other than their mother’s love during this, the Steroid Era? Well, if we take those who have admitted to using explicitly (Ken Caminiti, Jose Canseco), implicitly (Mark McGwire), or openly, though in "sealed" grand jury documents (Jason Giambi, Garry Sheffield, Barry Bonds), as well as those fingered by Jose Canseco (Rafael Palmeiro, Ivan Rodriguez), we begin, for the most part, to see a pattern: Action-Figure-sized ballplayers denoting obvious steroid use.
Rodriguez shrank startlingly in 2005, a la 2004-Giambi, and Palmeiro infamously failed that drug test last year, proving that Canseco wasn’t all blather, while also sticking a nail in the coffin of the idea that one could tell who was juicing by physical inspection alone; most anyone looking at Palmeiro, especially compared to Super-Heroes such as McGwire and Canseco, wouldn’t think "user" right off the bat, so to speak, but therein lies the problem of what I’m trying to accomplish, judging users from very little information here in my Hammertown bunker...but so what? Using the Action-Figure model, one could assume that Albert Belle, Dante Bichette & Bret Boone were all using, if one were so inclined...and if Sammy Sosa wasn’t juicing, then I have no faith in any of the elements that make up reality; I deny time, space and our very existence if Sosa was clean.
Using the Late-Career-Power-Surge model, one would also be able to include Brady Anderson and his ludicrous 1996 season as well, as most don’t reach 50 homers for the first time at age 32, much less from the leadoff spot. Oh, and that was 29 more than he had ever hit before, and 26 more than he ever hit again. Bonds is another well-documented example of this, going for 49 HR at age 35, and then the subsequent years of 73, 46, 45, 45...all after age 35, when he set his first career high. What about the lithe-framed Steve Finley? 10 HR at age 30, 30 the next year? 3 more 30+ HR in the following years, including a career-high 36 at age 39? That’s 238 HR between the ages of 31 & 39, and that’s ridiculous; Ted Williams hit 217 over the same span in his career, and he‘s Ted Fucking Williams. Luis Gonzalez hit 57 at age 33, and didn’t hit even 23 until he was 30; Jay Bell, furthering the possible Arizona-connection, hit 38 at age 33, which is 17 more than he had ever managed before, and 20 more than he ever managed again; Lenny Dykstra & Darren Daulton? Come on. These two fall into my Sosa-Level of certainty, especially around 1993, or, their World Series appearance; Dykstra’s jump to 19 HR, from a previous high of 10 set 6 years earlier, was less telling than just seeing his squat, muscle-bound frame launch bomb after bomb in said World Series, and Daulton’s 51 HR over ‘92-’93 were as anomalous as his too-big-for-his-frame muscles. But, to be fair, Jay Buhner hit 40 HR at 30, which was 13 more than his previous best, but Buhner wasn’t a second baseman averaging just over 10 a year, like Jay Bell; Buhner was averaging 25 a year for the four years before his 40...I’m not saying he certainly wasn’t on steroids, but it’s a much easier leap, at least perception-wise, for a bashing galoot corner outfielder to go for 40 then for a 185 lb. middle-infielder.
Of course, these examples are just the glaring, obvious examples of How Human Physiology Shouldn‘t Work, not including the reserve infielders who juiced up to hit 3 HR instead of none, or the relief pitchers trying to stick with the Big Club by throwing 98 mph instead of 92, or the natural-born mashers who add maybe 10 HR to their already impressive totals, and several millions to their already impressive paycheques...ah, steroids. So much entertainment from guys with such little nutsacks.
End of original post.
Now we’ve got the did-they-maybe "accusations" put forth from the under-interrogation ramblings of Jason Grimsley: Roger Clemens, Andy Pettitte, Miguel Tejada, Brian Roberts & Jay Gibbons, all swiped at with the steroid-brush.
This is just a never-ending well of hilarity and back-tracking Major Leaguers, and it couldn’t be more enjoyable; just wait until Alex Rodriguez tests positive for caffeine-related amphetamines from drinking that one extra Red Bull. ¶ 10:30 AM
