Monday, October 23, 2006
I Despise Alfonso Soriano
Originally posted February 11, 2006; edited from original version for reasons of clarity.
Sometimes a man just needs to get something off his chest.
In this particular case, it’s Alfonso Soriano whom I need to get off my chest. Metaphorically. Imagery aside, I feel a deep-down, rotten, to-the-very-core-of-me, disgust for Alfonso Soriano. A hate-on; a fist-clenching, puppy-punching, yell-at-your-grandma kind of disgust...but it wasn’t always this way. No. When the Yankees suddenly had a possible 40-40 monster on their hands during the 2002 season, I was as curious as everyone else: Alfonso Soriano & Vladimir Guerrero both going 40-40 in the same year? Preposterous! Though it turned out to indeed be preposterous that year, I still had a good laugh while sitting back & watching that year’s playoffs. Remember? The one with Alfonso Soriano chasing pitches in the dirt like he was searching for lost treasure? Yeah. That was hilarious, and it couldn’t have happened to a nicer
team.
Regardless, I never really gave a good goddamn about what Alfonso Soriano was up to after that, though I did notice things. I noticed, for instance, that pitchers began to figure out that he just flat-out would not walk; that he would chase a two-strike pitch aimed at his ankles; that he became a glorified mistake-hitter who would chow-down on hanging curveballs but hit .235 with runners in scoring position. Then, mid-to-late 2005, I watched him give up on a batted-ball up the middle...and, while he was slowing down, it looked as though he still could have just grabbed the goddamned thing, but didn’t. It was a spectacularly awful play; the kind of play that sticks in the back of even a casual observer’s mind. So, it was that play that I thought of when all of this garbage started cropping up about Alfonso Soriano Refusing to Play the Outfield. One paraphrased quote went something like, "He’s not a troublemaker, but Washington is going to have a real problem if they try to make him play the outfield"; then, it was Alfonso Soriano himself explaining that it was the Nationals’ problem, as they were the ones who traded for him; that he knew he was a free-agent at the end of 2006, and would just put up with the National league until then.
Still, with all of this filibustering going on, all I really thought about the situation was, "Alfonso Soriano is criminally overrated, and if the Nationals let him play in front of Jose Vidro at Second, then they are a bunch of idiots". Then I gave it no more thought...until I read that he set an arbitration-hearing record of $10 million, while losing his claim, sending shockwaves of murderous rage throughout every hateful bone in my body. True, I know nothing of Alfonso Soriano as a person; he could be a sweet-hearted, loving, salt-of-the-earth kind of guy, and I make no claims to the contrary. BUT, when a player starts bemoaning his position with his new team, he certainly isn't going to feel waves of sympathy emanating from Hammertown. Where’s his no-trade clause? What? He didn’t have one? Well, then, who cares? Pencil him into the Leftfield spot, and if he doesn’t want to play, get him on coffee-duty. $10 million for 2006 should bring something more than porous defense & the possibility of a 30-30 season. Could it be that his skill-set doesn’t transcend Leftfield the way it does Second Base? While a power-hitting 2B is still a bit of an anomaly, historically speaking, times are a-changin'...the two-bag is becoming the place to put fielders who can hit, but that play defense the way a piano blocks a doorway, since 3rd is usually taken by the other immobile basher on the team; it‘s also the place to put Jorge Cantu when you just can‘t figure out where to play Aubrey Huff. Christ, Jeff Kent is more than likely bashing his way into the Hall of Fame, and he covers ground like a sloth bellyful of dandelions. But Kent is going in as a Second Baseman, isn’t he Alfonso? Where are your 350-odd Homeruns going to get you from Leftfield? Well, add in your 400-some Stolen Bases, and probably right into the Hall of Fame as well, deserving or not.* Either way, I’ll make sure to send you some Kleenex, because if this works itself out as it should, you’ll be needing them out in Left, where nobody can hear you scream...or cry, for that matter.
*All figures are projected using no scientific formula whatsoever. You’re welcome.
End of original post.
So, after this rant, Mr. Soriano went out and had the best season of his career, becoming the first 40-40-40 (HR/2B/SB) guy in MLB history.
Sonofabitch.
Well, it will be very interesting to see if anyone lets him play second base again...I know if I were about to invest $800 million in a happy-swinging former two-bagger, I’d damn-well want to know if he’d be bitching about leftfield for six years. ¶ 9:38 AM
Sometimes a man just needs to get something off his chest.
In this particular case, it’s Alfonso Soriano whom I need to get off my chest. Metaphorically. Imagery aside, I feel a deep-down, rotten, to-the-very-core-of-me, disgust for Alfonso Soriano. A hate-on; a fist-clenching, puppy-punching, yell-at-your-grandma kind of disgust...but it wasn’t always this way. No. When the Yankees suddenly had a possible 40-40 monster on their hands during the 2002 season, I was as curious as everyone else: Alfonso Soriano & Vladimir Guerrero both going 40-40 in the same year? Preposterous! Though it turned out to indeed be preposterous that year, I still had a good laugh while sitting back & watching that year’s playoffs. Remember? The one with Alfonso Soriano chasing pitches in the dirt like he was searching for lost treasure? Yeah. That was hilarious, and it couldn’t have happened to a nicer
team.
Regardless, I never really gave a good goddamn about what Alfonso Soriano was up to after that, though I did notice things. I noticed, for instance, that pitchers began to figure out that he just flat-out would not walk; that he would chase a two-strike pitch aimed at his ankles; that he became a glorified mistake-hitter who would chow-down on hanging curveballs but hit .235 with runners in scoring position. Then, mid-to-late 2005, I watched him give up on a batted-ball up the middle...and, while he was slowing down, it looked as though he still could have just grabbed the goddamned thing, but didn’t. It was a spectacularly awful play; the kind of play that sticks in the back of even a casual observer’s mind. So, it was that play that I thought of when all of this garbage started cropping up about Alfonso Soriano Refusing to Play the Outfield. One paraphrased quote went something like, "He’s not a troublemaker, but Washington is going to have a real problem if they try to make him play the outfield"; then, it was Alfonso Soriano himself explaining that it was the Nationals’ problem, as they were the ones who traded for him; that he knew he was a free-agent at the end of 2006, and would just put up with the National league until then.
Still, with all of this filibustering going on, all I really thought about the situation was, "Alfonso Soriano is criminally overrated, and if the Nationals let him play in front of Jose Vidro at Second, then they are a bunch of idiots". Then I gave it no more thought...until I read that he set an arbitration-hearing record of $10 million, while losing his claim, sending shockwaves of murderous rage throughout every hateful bone in my body. True, I know nothing of Alfonso Soriano as a person; he could be a sweet-hearted, loving, salt-of-the-earth kind of guy, and I make no claims to the contrary. BUT, when a player starts bemoaning his position with his new team, he certainly isn't going to feel waves of sympathy emanating from Hammertown. Where’s his no-trade clause? What? He didn’t have one? Well, then, who cares? Pencil him into the Leftfield spot, and if he doesn’t want to play, get him on coffee-duty. $10 million for 2006 should bring something more than porous defense & the possibility of a 30-30 season. Could it be that his skill-set doesn’t transcend Leftfield the way it does Second Base? While a power-hitting 2B is still a bit of an anomaly, historically speaking, times are a-changin'...the two-bag is becoming the place to put fielders who can hit, but that play defense the way a piano blocks a doorway, since 3rd is usually taken by the other immobile basher on the team; it‘s also the place to put Jorge Cantu when you just can‘t figure out where to play Aubrey Huff. Christ, Jeff Kent is more than likely bashing his way into the Hall of Fame, and he covers ground like a sloth bellyful of dandelions. But Kent is going in as a Second Baseman, isn’t he Alfonso? Where are your 350-odd Homeruns going to get you from Leftfield? Well, add in your 400-some Stolen Bases, and probably right into the Hall of Fame as well, deserving or not.* Either way, I’ll make sure to send you some Kleenex, because if this works itself out as it should, you’ll be needing them out in Left, where nobody can hear you scream...or cry, for that matter.
*All figures are projected using no scientific formula whatsoever. You’re welcome.
End of original post.
So, after this rant, Mr. Soriano went out and had the best season of his career, becoming the first 40-40-40 (HR/2B/SB) guy in MLB history.
Sonofabitch.
Well, it will be very interesting to see if anyone lets him play second base again...I know if I were about to invest $800 million in a happy-swinging former two-bagger, I’d damn-well want to know if he’d be bitching about leftfield for six years. ¶ 9:38 AM
