Go Ahead and Shove Babe Ruth Up Your Ass
Originally posted, under a different title, September 29, 2006.
As a precursor to my SUPER anticipated end-of-season baseball post, I’m going to run with an idea started by Mr. James Leroux, as well as one pushed through by those traditionalists down at Sports Illustrated, with a teensy bit of a twist: MY (capitals intended) All-Time MLB Team, comprised entirely of players whom I‘ve seen and been entertained by. Aren’t you folks in for a treat (sarcasm intended):
CATCHER
Mike Piazza, Los Angeles Dodgers, circa 1997
Maybe Jose Canseco poisoned my mind, but when Ivan Rodriguez came into training camp at the beginning of last year looking like Jason Giambi had eaten half of him, well...I started to believe Canseco’s steroid allegations. Too bad, since Rodriguez was the greatest backstop I’ve still ever seen: guns to first from his knees, stupid caught-stealing percentages, and a .300+ bat with some pop had him on the shortlist of Greatest Ever. Now, I’ll have to go with the defensively-challenged Mike Piazza...not exactly a hard choice, but I would have a preferred a game-caller with a little more going for him than Most Homeruns Ever by a Catcher. Still, it’s hard to argue with .362, 200 hits, 40 HR and 120 RBI...from a catcher. Fuck me.
FIRST BASE
Carlos Delgado, Toronto Blue Jays, circa 2000
As if the "King Carlos" post wasn’t hint enough, Delgado’s my main man; he’s the Jay I watched come up to the majors in 1994 with 8 HR in 13 games before completely peaking with this ridiculous season. Dude couldn’t be stopped...at least in the batter’s box; he looked kind of like a walrus swatting at flies in the field, but so what? Killer with the bat, especially in 2000, and with a dynamite two-handed uppercut swing, entertainment is everything.
SECOND BASE
Roberto Alomar, Toronto Blue Jays, circa 1993
Yeah, another Blue Jay...who’s been better at 2B since 1990? If you said "nobody" you’d be goddamn right, and I’d be impressed with that level head you have on your shoulders. Part of the wondrous WAMCO lineup of these World Champion Jays (the lineup that Paul Molitor famously mangled by saying that it could be pluralized if you added Ed Sprague to the end of it...ugh), Alomar was, and still is, the best all-around player in Jays’ history.
THIRD BASE
Kelly Gruber, Toronto Blue Jays, circa 1990
Before anyone gets all pissy at the idea of three Blue Jays in three of the first four spots, keep in mind that the best third-sacker I’ve ever seen was Ken Caminiti; a switch-hitter with power, perfect strikes across the diamond from his back, a Padres playoff run...but there’s no way I can keep him in here, what with the admission of steroid-use and all, so this spot goes to the Anne Murray fan from California. Mr. Gruber, he of the high-flying mullet and pelican running-style (all elbows and knees), was the Eric Byrnes of his generation: a cannon to first or a throw into the stands; an absolute bomb to left or a strikeout that made him look as though he had been spun around by some kind of unseen, gale-force wind. Still, it’s the memories of Gruber that make me want to play third base on my softball team even today...though, to be honest, I’m okay with short.
SHORTSTOP
Nomar Garciaparra, Boston Red Sox, circa 2000
I’ll never forget the 5 HR Barry Larkin hit in two games back in 1991 (even though it took some Retrosheet action to give me the actual year), but it’s Nomah’s hitting, no, pre-pitch routine, that gives him the edge over all others. Way more likeable than A-Rod, way less corporate than Cal Ripken Jr, Garciaparra was, and is, even at first for the Dodgers, incredibly fun to watch hit.
CENTERFIELDER
Ken Griffey Jr, Seattle Mariners, circa 1997
Devon White was the most effortless, Jim Edmonds was the most spectacular, and, for some reason, Vernon Wells always looks as though he should be doing more...I don’t know what it is, but he’s seems almost too effortless, both on the field and at the plate. For a while, I considered Junior to be TOO GOOD, as if that’s a bad thing...it still kind of feels like calling Michael Jordan my favourite player of all time; it’s like I know SO MUCH about the game that I’m supposed to unearth some hidden gem that nobody but hardcore FANS will appreciate, but what the fuck. Griffey is, hands down, the best I’ve ever seen. Too bad about that move to Cincy, though.
OUTFIELDERS
Vladimir Guerrero, Montreal Expos, circa 2002
A recent FOX Sports montage of wood-chopping Guerrero homeruns was, honestly, way too enjoyable for me...but seriously: a rocket pulled down the right-field line from the bottom, outside corner of the plate? An opposite-field shot on a face-high pitch a foot from the plate? Who cares if he runs like a three-legged yak with vertigo? He had a cannon in right, and was a HR away from 40-40 in 2002...what do you mean he was thrown out 20 times?
Manny Ramirez, Boston Red Sox, circa 2004
Boy oh BOY did I want to include Larry Walker’s 1997 on this list, but the dreaded Coors Field effect, as evidenced after Walker’s MVP season by Todd Helton’s ludicrous, videogame career numbers, has had a much more prevalent effect on legitimacy than I would have thought back in the wonderful days of my 21st year...easy fix, though: I’ve always described Ramirez, easily, too, since I don’t know him personally, as a kind of idiot-savant, pure hitter. The description, by rote, goes as follows:
Can’t field, runs like he has an ass full of bricks, but he can fucking hit for days.
Watching Manny connect on a line-drive single to right or a moon-shot over the Monster in left is like watching someone do exactly what they were put on earth to do. Unfortunately, it just so happens that Ramirez hits baseballs for 20 mil a year instead of, say, teaching the world to sing. Oh well.
DESIGNATED HITTER
Tie-
David Ortiz, Boston Red Sox and
Travis Hafner, Cleveland [insert racist slur here]s,
circa RIGHT NOW
Hafner looks as though he’s hitting golf balls with a picket-sign, and if there IS such a thing as clutch, Ortiz is the very personification of such. Both are stupefying hitters with the kind of power that makes Donald Trump look like an old-timey newsie with dirt-crusted pantaloons and malaria, and both are more enjoyable to watch than Frank Thomas in his admittedly incredible prime.
STARTING PITCHER
Pedro Martinez, Boston Red Sox, circa 1999-2000
The "zany" part of me wants to say Dwight Gooden as a rookie, or Dave Stewart based solely on his menacing stare, but the fact is that baseball might never have had a better pitcher in its history than Pedro Martinez over the break of the new century. Randy Johnson is still what I consider to be the sci-fi nightmare from 1920s slugger’s dreams, all 6'10" and 100mph of him, and Roger Clemens’ longevity has allowed him to cruise on past 340 wins, but Pedro was so ridiculous over his two-year span that words cannot describe it. Okay; maybe "zassanfoloco", but that’s maybe a stretch.
CLOSER
Dennis Eckersley, Oakland Athletics, circa 1989
There was a Sports Illustrated article about a hundred years ago profiling Eck, and all I remember is the mullet, the moustache, and this fabulous picture of him, mid-delivery, closing one eye as if he was literally painting the corner of the plate. Eric Gagne’s perfect 55-for-55 season in 2003 has been brought into question during a recent tirade by Jim Traber, and that’s alright for the purposes of this particular list; it’s not as though Eckersley isn’t deserving of this "honour" - dude won a fucking MVP for chrissake.
As always, you’re welcome.