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Articles

2009-03-11T09:59:00.000-07:00

Appreciating Carlos Delgado
Manny In La La Land
Albert Pujols Has A Message
Larry Walker: Handy Man

2009-02-18T12:17:00.000-08:00

CAREER LEADERS

1 1.108 - Ted Williams
2 1.049 - Albert Pujols*
3 1.004 - Manny Ramirez*
4 1.002 - Todd Helton*
5 .977 - Mickey Mantle
6 .975 - Stan Musial
7 .974 - Frank Thomas*
8 .973 - Lance Berkman*
9 .966 - Jim Thome*
10 .965 - Larry Walker

11 .963 - Vladimir Guerrero*
12 .963 - Ralph Kiner
13 .955 - Chipper Jones*
14 .948 - Jeff Bagwell
15 .941 - Willie Mays
16 .937 - David Ortiz*
17 .933 - Edgar Martinez
18 .930 - Carlos Delgado*
19 .929 - Hank Aaron
20 .926 - Frank Robinson

21 .924 - Travis Hafner*
22 .922 - Mike Piazza
23 .922 - Miguel Cabrera*
24 .921 - David Wright*
25 .919 - Duke Snider
26 .919 - Ken Griffey Jr*
27 .919 - Mark Teixeira*
28 .912 - Dick Allen
29 .908 - Mike Schmidt
30 .905 - Jim Edmonds*

31 .902 - Bobby Abreu*
32 .901 - Chase Utley*
33 .900 - Adam Dunn*

SINGLE-SEASON LEADERS

1 1.257 - Ted Williams, 1957
2 1.217 - Frank Thomas, 1994
3 1.177 - Mickey Mantle, 1957
4 1.172 - Larry Walker, 1997
5 1.162 - Todd Helton, 2000
6 1.154 - Manny Ramirez, 2000
7 1.152 - Stan Musial, 1948
8 1.148 - Norm Cash, 1961
9 1.141 - Ted Williams, 1949
10 1.135 - Mickey Mantle, 1961

11 1.134 - Carlos Delgado, 2000
12 1.133 - Ted Williams, 1947
13 1.122 - Jim Thome, 2002
14 1.118 - George Brett, 1980
15 1.117 - Todd Helton, 2001
16 1.114 - Albert Pujols, 2008
17 1.112 - Ted Williams, 1948
18 1.111 - Larry Walker, 2001
19 1.108 - Willie McCovey, 1969
20 1.107 - Edgar Martinez, 1995

21 1.106 - Albert Pujols, 2003
22 1.105 - Manny Ramirez, 1999
23 1.102 - Albert Pujols, 2006

2009-02-18T11:10:00.000-08:00

CAREER LEADERS

1 .628 - Ted Williams
2 .624 - Albert Pujols*
3 .593 - Manny Ramirez*
4 .575 - Vladimir Guerrero*
5 .574 - Todd Helton*
6 .565 - Larry Walker
7 .561 - Stan Musial
8 .561 - Jim Thome*
9 .560 - Lance Berkman*
10 .560 - Ralph Kiner

11 .558 - Willie Mays
12 .557 - Mickey Mantle
13 .555 - Frank Thomas*
14 .555 - Hank Aaron
15 .554 - David Ortiz*
16 .548 - Chipper Jones*
17 .547 - Ken Griffey Jr*
18 .546 - Carlos Delgado*
19 .545 - Mike Piazza
20 .541 - Mark Teixeira*

21 .541 - Miguel Cabrera*
22 .540 - Jeff Bagwell
23 .540 - Duke Snider

SINGLE-SEASON LEADERS

1 .731 - Ted Williams, 1957
2 .729 - Frank Thomas, 1994
3 .720 - Larry Walker, 1997
4 .710 - Larry Walker, 1999
5 .705 - Mickey Mantle, 1956
6 .702 - Stan Musial, 1948
7 .698 - Todd Helton, 2000
8 .697 - Manny Ramirez, 2000
9 .687 - Mickey Mantle, 1961
10 .685 - Todd Helton, 2001

11 .677 - Jim Thome, 2002
12 .671 - Albert Pujols, 2006
13 .665 - Mickey Mantle, 1957
14 .664 - Carlos Delgado, 2000
15 .664 - George Brett, 1980
15 .664 - Vladimir Guerrero, 2000
17 .663 - Manny Ramirez, 1999
18 .662 - Larry Walker, 2001
19 .662 - Norm Cash, 1961
20 .662 - Derrek Lee, 2005

21 .659 - Ryan Howard, 2006
22 .659 - Travis Hafner, 2006
22 .659 - Willie Mays, 1955
24 .658 - Ralph Kiner, 1949
25 .657 - Albert Pujols, 2004
26 .656 - Willie McCovey, 1969
27 .653 - Albert Pujols, 2008
28 .650 - Ted Williams, 1949

2009-02-18T09:09:00.000-08:00

CAREER LEADERS

1 .480 - Ted Williams
2 .428 - Todd Helton*
3 .425 - Albert Pujols*
4 .424 - Ferris Fain
5 .421 - Mickey Mantle
6 .419 - Frank Thomas*
7 .418 - Edgar Martinez
8 .415 - Wade Boggs
9 .414 - Stan Musial
10 .413 - Lance Berkman*

11 .411 - Manny Ramirez*
12 .410 - Eddie Stanky
13 .409 - Jackie Robinson
14 .408 - Jeff Bagwell
15 .408 - Chipper Jones*
16 .406 - Jim Thome*
17 .405 - Bobby Abreu*
18 .404 - Luke Appling
19 .404 - Joe Cunningham
20 .403 - Ralph Kiner

21 .401 - Rickey Henderson
22 .400 - Larry Walker

SINGLE-SEASON LEADERS

1 .526 - Ted Williams, 1957
2 .512 - Mickey Mantle, 1957
3 .499 - Ted Williams, 1947
4 .497 - Ted Williams, 1948
5 .490 - Ted Williams, 1949
6 .487 - Frank Thomas, 1994
7 .487 - Norm Cash, 1961
8 .486 - Mickey Mantle, 1962
9 .479 - Ted Williams, 1956
10 .479 - Edgar Martinez, 1995

11 .476 - Wade Boggs, 1988
12 .473 - John Olerud, 1993
13 .470 - Chipper Jones, 2008
14 .470 - Carlos Delgado, 2000
15 .469 - Todd Helton, 2004
16 .466 - Joe Morgan, 1975
17 .464 - Mickey Mantle, 1956
18 .464 - Edgar Martinez, 1996
18 .464 - Ted Williams, 1951
20 .463 - Todd Helton, 2000

21 .462 - Albert Pujols, 2008
22 .461 - Wade Boggs, 1987
23 .460 - Eddie Stanky, 1950
24 .459 - Frank Thomas, 1996
25 .458 - Ted Williams, 1958
26 .458 - Larry Walker, 1999
27 .458 - Todd Helton, 2003
28 .457 - Manny Ramirez, 2000
29 .456 - Frank Thomas, 1997
30 .456 - Edgar Martinez, 1997

31 .454 - George Brett, 1980
32 .454 - Frank Thomas, 1995
33 .454 - Jeff Bagwell, 1999
34 .454 - Rico Carty, 1970
35 .453 - Joe Cunningham, 1959
36 .453 - Lou Boudreau, 1948
37 .453 - Frank Thomas, 1991
38 .453 - Wade Boggs, 1986
39 .453 - Willie McCovey, 1969
40 .452 - Ralph Kiner, 1951

41 .452 - Carl Yastrzemski, 1970
42 .452 - Larry Walker, 1997
43 .451 - Ferris Fain, 1951
44 .451 - Jeff Bagwell, 1996
45 .450 - Wade Boggs, 1985
46 .450 - Stan Musial, 1948
47 .450 - Lance Berkman, 2004
47 .450 - Manny Ramirez, 2002
49 450 - Jim Thome, 1996

2009-02-18T08:20:00.000-08:00

CAREER LEADERS

1 .341 - Ted Williams
2 .338 - Tony Gwynn
3 .334 - Albert Pujols*
4 .331 - Ichiro Suzuki*
5 .328 - Todd Helton*
6 .328 - Wade Boggs
7 .328 - Rod Carew
8 .326 - Stan Musial
9 .323 - Vladimir Guerrero*
10 .318 - Kirby Puckett

11 .317 - Roberto Clemente
12 .316 - Derek Jeter*
13 .314 - Manny Ramirez*
14 .313 - Nomar Garciaparra*
15 .313 - Larry Walker
16 .313 - George Kell
17 .312 - Magglio Ordonez
18 .312 - Edgar Martinez
19 .311 - Jackie Robinson
20 .311 - Dale Mitchell

21 .310 - Chipper Jones*
22 .309 - David Wright*
23 .309 - Miguel Cabrera*
24 .308 - Bob Dillenger
25 .308 - Mike Piazza
26 .308 - Richie Ashburn
27 .307 - Don Mattingly
28 .307 - Joe DiMaggio
29 .307 - Matty Alou
30 .306 - Paul Molitor

31 .306 - Dixie Walker
32 .306 - Ralph Garr
33 .306 - Placido Polanco*
34 .305 - Hank Aaron
35 .305 - George Brett
36 .305 - Rusty Greer
37 .305 - Bill Madlock
38 .304 - Tony Oliva
39 .304 - Manny Mota
40 .303 - Will Clark

41 .303 - Moises Alou*
42 .303 - Mark Grace
43 .303 - Al Oliver
44 .303 - Pete Rose
45 .303 - Mike Greenwell
46 .303 - Harvey Kuenn
47 .303 - Sean Casey*
48 .302 - Lance Berkman*
49 .302 - Willie Mays
50 .301 - Frank Thomas*

51 .300 - Roberto Alomar
52 .300 - John Kruk
53 .300 - Pedro Guerrero
54 .300 - Juan Pierre*
55 .300 - Michael Young*
56 .300 - Bobby Abreu*
57 .300 - Billy Goodman
58 .300 - Carl Furillo

SINGLE-SEASON LEADERS

1 .390 - George Brett, 1980
2 .388 - Ted Williams, 1957
3 .388 - Rod Carew, 1977
4 .379 - Larry Walker, 1999
5 .376 - Stan Musial, 1948
6 .372 - Todd Helton, 2000
7 .372 - Nomar Garciaparra, 2000
8 .372 - Ichiro Suzuki, 2004
9 .372 - Tony Gwynn, 1997
10 .370 - Tony Gwynn, 1987

11 .369 - Ted Williams, 1948
12 .368 - Tony Gwyn, 1995
13 .368 - Wade Boggs, 1985
14 .366 - Wade Boggs, 1988
15 .366 - Larry Walker, 1997
16 .366 - Rico Carty, 1970
17 .365 - Mickey Mantle, 1957
18 .365 - Chipper Jones, 2008
19 .364 - Rod Carew, 1974
20 .363 - Larry Walker, 1998

21 .363 - Magglio Ordonez, 2007
22 .363 - Wade Boggs, 1987
22 .363 - John Olerud, 1993
24 .363 - Joe Torre, 1971
25 .363 - Harry Walker, 1947
26 .362 - Mike Piazza, 1997
27 .361 - Wade Boggs, 1983
28 .361 - Norm Cash, 1961
29 .359 - Rod Carew, 1975
30 .359 - Albert Pujols, 2003

31 .359 - Todd Helton, 2003
32 .358 - Tony Gwynn, 1993
33 .357 - Roberto Clemente, 1967
34 .357 - Nomar Garciaparra, 1999
35 .357 - Wade Boggs, 1986
36 .357 - Albert Pujols, 2008
37 .356 - Edgar Martinez, 1995
37 .356 - Kirby Puckett, 1988
39 .355 - Lou Boudreau, 1948
40 .355 - Darin Erstad, 2000

41 .355 - Stan Musial, 1951
42 .355 - Moises Alou, 2000
43 .355 - Hank Aaron, 1959
44 .354 - Bill Madlock, 1975
45 .354 - Billy Goodman, 1950
46 .354 - John Olerud, 1998
47 .353 - Frank Thomas, 1994
48 .353 - Ralph Garr, 1974
49 .353 - Harvey Kuenn, 1959
49 .353 - Willie McGee, 1985

51 .353 - Mickey Mantle, 1956
52 .353 - Paul Molitor, 1987
53 .352 - Cecil Cooper, 1980
54 .352 - Don Mattingly, 1986
55 .352 - Tony Gwynn, 1984
56 .351 - Roberto Clemente, 1961
57 .351 - Ichiro Suzuki, 2007
58 .351 - Manny Ramirez, 2000
59 .351 - Stan Musial, 1957
60 .350 - Larry Walker, 2000

61 .350 - Rod Carew, 1973
62 .350 - Ichiro Suzuki, 2000
63 .350 - Richie Ashburn, 1958

2008-10-22T00:40:00.000-07:00

August 31, 2008, Milwaukee vs. Pittsburgh: CC Sabathia is throwing smoke until Adam Laroche nubs a ball out in front of the plate, one of those little rollers that just crawls off the bat; Sabathia pounces to make the play, and as Laroche rolls down the first-base line, the ball rolls up CC’s arm – no play, safe at first. The scorekeeper botches the call as badly as Sabathia did the ball, and that little squibber goes into the books as a hit... the only hit, it turns out, that the big lefty gave up that day, a would-be no-hitter turned complete-game, one-hit shutout. I saw Steve Phillips lament the scorekeeper’s bad call about a month later, saying, and I paraphrase: "CC Sabathia has a no-hitter as far as I’m concerned." This is good news for those looking to Mr. Phillips for their baseball history, though I’d take a perusal of the Steve Phillips page on Fire Joe Morgan before I’d take him with even a grain of salt.

But I digress.

July 26, 1991, Montreal vs. Los Angeles: Two days before teammate Dennis Martinez throws his Perfect Game, Mark Gardner goes 9 hitless-innings against the Dodgers before giving up singles to the first two batters of the tenth, losing the no-no and, eventually, the game in the process. Gardner’s hard-luck story prompted a loud and sometimes boisterous reexamination in the media of what, exactly, constituted a "no-hitter", and the name Harvey Haddix kept appearing like a specter hovering over the conversation...

May 26, 1959, Milwaukee vs. Pittsburgh: After shutting the Braves down for 12 innings, Haddix suddenly finds himself pitching with a man on first after an error by his third-baseman, the first baserunner of the day for Milwaukee. Eddie Mathews sacrifices the runner over, and then Haddix is forced to intentionally-walk Hank Aaron; next up is Joe Adcock, and he wallops a run-scoring, game-ending double: 12 perfect innings for Haddix, followed by an error, a walk, and a hit that led to a loss on a single unearned run.

Some argued that Haddix had thrown a Perfecto because he recorded 27 consecutive-outs through 9 innings; other scoffed at the idea of calling it a "Perfect Game" when the actual game went for another 3 innings. The sides were drawn, and the battle was fierce... and for what?

As of this writing, there are 102 individual-members of the No-Hit Club since 1947, and 12 of those guys are lounging with Perfect Game tiaras. Suffice it to say, throwing a no-hitter is an amazing accomplishment, but hardly the kind of thing that could be called "infrequent". In fact, in terms of single-game dominance, "hits allowed" is only one of the factors that should warrant consideration. Compare Tom Browning’s 1988 Perfect Game, in which his fielders got him 20 of the 27 outs, with Kerry Wood’s 20 strikeout-game ten years later: the fireballing Cub didn’t walk a soul and only gave up a measly infield-single in what was, perhaps, the most untouchable performance in history... but, having allowed that itty-bitty hit, Wood can’t get past the bouncer at the No-Hit Club.

In 2001, AJ Burnett threw a 7 K no-hitter for Florida but somehow managed to walk NINE for a single-game WHIP of 1.00, an absolutely unheard stat for a no-no, but there he is, sitting next to Bob Gibson; a few months later, future teammate Roy Halladay punched-out 8 in a complete-game, 2-hit shutout in which he walked none, but, oh, those twin base-knocks... the shame. Hell, Tom Seaver’s no-hitter wasn’t even the best game of his career, a tepid 3-walk, 3-strikeout effort that pales in comparison to his 19 K complete-game in which he traded a solo-homerun for 10 consecutive-strikeouts to end the contest.

What I’m getting at is that a no-hitter doesn’t define a pitcher’s career unless he’s thrown 7 of them and his name is Nolan Ryan; nobody’s going to look at Pedro Martinez’ name on the Hall of Fame ballot and say, "sure, but where’s his no-no?" Mostly, it’s the stories that go with the performances that people care about, the Perfect World Series Game of Don Larsen, the no-hitter Dave Stieb finally threw three years after getting burned by two-out, ninth-inning hits in back-to-back starts, the 3 hits and 3 ribbies Catfish Hunter contributed to his own cause while spinning a Perfecto of his own; it’s Toothpick Sam Jones walking the bases full in the ninth and then fanning the side for his no-no, or Rick Wise mashing 2 homeruns to help himself and his no-hitter, or Ewell Blakwell following his no-no with 8 more no-hit innings in his next start, or Milt Pappas retiring 26 straight before walking the 27th on a 3-2 pitch, or Virgil Trucks in 1952 throwing 2 no-hitters, falling a leadoff-single short of a third, and somehow finishing the season with a record of 5-19.

At least the aforementioned CC Sabathia won his game; in 1964 Ken Johnson threw a no-hitter and lost. So don’t cry for Sabathia, and certainly don’t cry for Harvey Haddix, either; he’s not just a name on a list somewhere on Baseball-Almanac, but, instead, he’s a singularity, the name that will be mentioned forevermore when someone has to go longer than 9 for a shot at a no-hitter, he's Harvey Haddix: The Man Who Threw 12 Perfect Innings Only To Lose In 13.

Nobody else can even come close to that.

2008-10-10T13:31:00.000-07:00

Right-handed hitters are at a distinct disadvantage compared to lefties at the dish. Not only are southpaws about two feet closer to first base before a pitch is even thrown, but the momentum of their swing almost always takes them down the rightfield line, giving them precious extra inches to beat out, say, the throw from the hole. Conversely, a righty can only really get a running start hitting inside-out on pitches away; a right-hander trying a bump-and-run on an inside fastball is asking for a hammer in the teeth.

If you’ve ever seen Ichiro Suzuki take two running steps out of the box before he’s even made contact, you know there’s no secret to why the highest single-season averages in history were smacked by lefties. So, what of righties? Where do they fit in the pantheon of high-average hitters? I checked: of the 64 times the .350-mark has been crested in the last 61 years, only 21 times has the hitter been right-handed. (For the record, switch-hitters have accounted for but four of the above-mentioned seasons, two of those the direct result of Mickey Mantle killing it.)

Of those 21 seasons, I’ve compiled the ten most impressive, and though "impressive" is as subjective a term as "valuable", I'm sliding on my big-boy pants and packing a sack of statistics to pillow-fight/counter-balance any possibly spurious logic. Speaking of which, how about those who didn’t make the list?

Nomar Garciaparra is one of three right-handers to go north of .350 twice, the only one to do it consecutive-seasons, and holder of the highest single-season average of those considered (.372). His feats, however, were mitigated somewhat by his comparatively-low EqA and OPS+, his success greatly enhanced by hitting primarily in Fenway Park.
Andres Galarraga also hurdled the .370 barrier, though his .307 EqA gives all the credit to playing half his games in Colorado, thus his banishment from this list and inclusion amongst the gang of Coors Field also-rans who turned into baseball gods overnight, trading video-game numbers for respect.
Kirby Puckett peaked in ’88, winning a batting-title by virtue of his .356 average, but was felled by an atrocious .375 on-base percentage, the only time in which a righty hit over .350 yet failed to get on-base more than 40% of the time; Puck totaled a paltry 19 unintentional-walks that year, making his high-average the result of a little skill and a whole lot of luck.
Alex Rodriguez won a batting-title as a 20-year-old in 1996, hitting .358 with 36 rockets and 54 doubles well before he became a serial 50-homer threat, but that season was plagued by the same stat that did in Garciaparra: relatively-low EqA.

A few others (Harvey Kuenn, Bill Madlock, Moises Alou) surprisingly slipped over .350 with otherwise unspectacular supporting-stats, but rather than dwell on the also-rans, as well as the omission of 1994’s incomplete-stats (including Jeff Bagwell’s .368 and Frank Thomas’ .353) let’s delve in the top ten .350-righty-seasons since 1947, in descending order:

10. Magglio Ordonez, .363, 2007

Owner of the prettiest right-handed swing in the game, a long, loopy affair that owes a debt to Fred McGriff’s patented helicopter finish, Ordonez was known as 30-HR basher who hit between .301 and .320 for the White Sox from ’99 to ‘03. In his second full-season with the Tigers, however, Mags jumped up and over any expectations that Detroit might have had for him, pumping out a career-year in ’07 at the age of 33. For an idea of how over his head Ordonez was playing, his .363 average was 13-points higher than his previous season’s on-base percentage, and though his rocket-totals subsided a little since his heady days in Chicago, I can’t imagine anyone complaining about 28 homeruns... especially when they come gift-wrapped with 54 doubles.

9. Joe Torre, .363, 1971

Though more well-known as coach of the 4-time World Champion Yankees, "The Godfather" was a cabbie in ’71, driving everyone home and sneaking 137 ribbies past Willie Stargell to take the RBI Crown along with the batting-title. It was the 30-year-old converted-catcher’s first full year at third, and Torre responded by smacking the second (and last) of his 200-hit seasons, the sixth (and last) of his 20-HR seasons, and the fifth (and, yes, last) of his 100-RBI seasons. With a previous career-high average of .325 set the season before, Torre obviously never even sniffed these numbers again in the final six years of his career.

8. Rico Carty, .366, 1970

Everything came together for the 30-year-old Braves outfielder in 1970, as he pounded-out a 31-game hitting-streak, snagged a batting-title, made his lone all-star appearance, and set personal-bests in hits, RBI, runs scored, on-base & slugging percentage; his 25-bombs stood as a peak until he came out of nowhere to tong 31 between Toronto and Oakland in ’78. This was about as high as high-water marks get, as the oft-injured Carty flirted with greatness only once more during 1974 with a .363 average... in 91 at-bats.

7. Roberto Clemente, .357, 1967

Clemente bookended his 4 batting-titles in 6 years with two .350-seasons (squeezing an MVP in to boot), and this .357 represented the peak of the outfielder’s illustrious career. Never a true power-hitter, maxing-out at 29 homeruns, his 23 bombs that year nevertheless led his Pirates, as did his totals in every other hitting-category save for at-bats. The first right-hander since 1947 to hit .350+ twice, Clemente’s 10 triples in 1967 came towards the end of a six-year run of double-digit three-baggers, and his .355 EqA that year cements his place on this list.

6. Edgar Martinez, .356, 1995

In this, the best of his two batting-title seasons, Edgar was the anti-Torre: the designated-hitter’s 1995 was the first of six times he drove in 100, the first of his eight 20-HR seasons, and the first time he crossed the 50-double threshold. As patient as they come (.479 OBP), Martinez doubtlessly benefitted from playing in a lineup featuring 71-combined homeruns from Tino Martinez and Jay Buhner, but took his hitting to this next level in the season before future-batting champ Alex Rodriguez became an undeniable talent, and despite playing in only 72 games with Ken Griffey Jr. Edgar will get consideration as the greatest designated-hitter ever, and proponents will point to this season as a starting point.

5. Manny Ramirez, .351, 2000

Before Manny was "Being Manny" in Boston, he was lighting it up in Cleveland, making the most of his last season with the Tribe in 2000. On top of his sky-high batting-average, Ramirez hit 38 bombs, ripped 34 doubles, and drove in 122 runs in just 118 games; for those curious, that amounts to a 52-homerun, 164-RBI season over 162 games. Interestingly, Paul Molitor also topped .350 for a season in which he only played in 118 contests, swatting hits in 39-straight games in 1987 and scoring 114 runs... but while Molitor’s 44 missed-games ended up excluding him from this list, Ramirez’ similar absence only relegated him to fifth spot, highlighting the difference between simply hitting for a high-average and producing offense right across the board.

4. Lou Boudreau, .355, 1948

1948 was a career-year in every way imaginable for Mr. Boudreau; not only did the 30-year-old shortstop/manager of the Cleveland Indians set personal marks in hits, homeruns, RBI, runs scored, on-base percentage and slugging average, but he won himself an American League MVP award and literally led his Indians to a world-championship, cracking 2 homeruns in a 4-for-4 performance in a one-game playoff against the Red Sox to make the World Series. Take this season off the books, and li’l Lou never even makes the Hall of Fame, much less, obviously, this list. As for his .355 average, it stands as a 60-point bulge over his career mark, and sits 28-points higher than his next-best season average. In 1948, Boudreau was, indeed, living the dream.

3. Albert Pujols, .357, 2008

Nobody’s ever done what Phat Albert’s doing right now: on top of hitting .300 with at least 30 homers, 30 doubles, and 100 RBI in each of his first 8 seasons in the big-leagues, Pujols has actually finished top 7 in hitting every year as well, and if not for Chipper Jones sitting on his .365 for all but 66 trips to the plate in September, El Hombre would be polishing two batting-titles. Joining Clemente and Garciaparra as the only righties to go for .350+ twice, Pujols’ 2008 was just a little better than his colossal 2003, especially since he played through an elbow-injury throughout all of this past year. If Ramirez is going to be considered the greatest right-handed hitter of the past 60 years, it will probably only last until Albert Pujols has gotten a few more seasons under his belt.

2. Mike Piazza, .362, 1997

Catchers just don’t hit any better than Piazza did in ’97, regardless of what side of the plate he stands on, and the Marlins’ backstop didn’t just leg-out a bunch of singles that year, either: 73 of his 201 hits went for extra-bases, and 40 of those left the ballpark entirely. Somehow, the future record-holder for homeruns by a signal-caller, came in third for the batting-title that year and, according to Baseball Prospectus’ Baseball Between the Numbers, got snookered by Larry Walker in the MVP race as well. Joe Mauer can win all the batting-titles he wants, but until he comes within even 20 of Piazza’s two-time sum of 40 dingers, he’ll be a side-note on the list of juggernaut-catchers.

1. Hank Aaron, .355, 1959

Aaron was 25 by the time he won this, his second batting-title, and he did so by destroying almost anything that was thrown at him: 223 hits, 92 extra-base bashes (including 39 round-trippers for the future Homerun King), a 1.037 OPS to go with a .366 EqA, 400 total bases... the Hammer simply made pitchers look like belly-itchers in 1959, and no-one has topped this singular season from, perhaps, the greatest right-handed hitter of them all.

The Sac Fly Watch & My Fucking Blew Jays

2007-05-14T21:24:00.000-07:00

Once I got deep into baseball-stats, I pretty much concluded that Closers weren't a necessity, at least not strictly for the ninth-inning...then, BJ Ryan went down, and it was like the Jays couldn't end games. I'm not talking "there's nobody else to close out the opposition", I'm talking UNENDING GAMES, games that would continue seemingly into the ether, going on & on until Toronto wasn't losing games so much as watching time and space float away with a scoresheet attached.

Ryan should win Team MVP just by his absence, fucking hell.

Regardless, unlike the end of Blue Jays games, time does move forward, and, as such, here are some RBI-padding machines:

Orlando Hudson
Carlos Lee
Bobby Abreu
Ray Durham
Andre Ethier
Gary Matthews Jr

O-Dog & Lee are tied for the Sac Fly lead with 5 apiece; the account for, respectively, 18 & 14 percent of their total RBI.

Now, let the excitement build.

(While building said excitement, how good a year is Hudson having?

.313/.380/.510/.890
13.8 VORP after some 30-odd games
projected totals:
25 HR 37 2B 4 3B 116 RBI

Not bad for a second-sacker...but it is, indeed, early.)

Flush with excitement, we look to the last four above, all knotted-up with 4 Sac Flies each, and their respective RBI%:

Abreu: 21%
Durham: 19%
Ethier: 21%
Matthews: 19%

Those seem pretty high; let's see what these cats are "on-pace" for, RBI-wise:

Abreu: 86
Durham: 92
Ethier: 88
Matthews: 90

Wow, huh? They're all on pace for around 18 Sac Flies as well, which means that they'll fall short of the Legend of Gil Hodges, and no-one will care. Though, should someone "catch fire" in the Sac Fly department, well, maybe they begin their own Legend for no-one to care about!

...Fucking Blue Jays.

11-Million-Dollar Pitchers of the World...UNITE!

2007-04-30T10:14:00.000-07:00

Everyone wants to compare former Florida flame-throwers AJ Burnett & Josh Beckett, and I can see why - the Mark Prior/Kerry Wood of the Marlins homegrowns, they both fled to the AL East to compete against each other and the Yankees.

Great angle.

Still, I need me a monetary-juxtaposition (and Baseball is the only endeavor that you'll hear me utter those words), and I prefer the AJ Burnett-to-Gil Meche juxtaposition:

Both signed for $11 million/year at the age of 28 - Burnett's contract was considered "crazy", Meche's "insane"...

Gil Meche, career:
149 GS
57-45 4.53 ERA
1.43 WHIP 6.35 K/9IP
4 CG 2 SHO
98 ERA+

AJ Burnett, career:
157 GS
61-59 3.78 ERA
1.29 WHIP 7.87 K/9IP
16 CG 9 SHO
111 ERA+

These numbers would have you believing the Jays got the better pitcher for their money, especially with that no-hitter that Burnett has on his career ledger...

(Side Note: Burnett's no-no included NINE walks - this means that, for that game in which he allowed nary a hit, he had a WHIP of 1.00, which is pretty nutty.)

...but this year, so far, here's the deal:

Gil Meche
2-1 2.18 ERA
1.31 WHIP 6.32 K/9IP
209 ERA+
10.7 VORP

AJ Burnett
2-1 4.18 ERA
1.39 WHIP 6.11 K/9IP
106 ERA+
5.2 VORP

Hey hey! Ol' Gil's pitching up to his contract, and he's totally better than Burnett. Except for that 7-inning shutout AJ threw at the, admittedly, reeling Yanks last week; Meche, meanwhile, managed a big-time 6-inning shutout of Baltimore on April 12th.

Sarcasm in italic-form is one of the many pleasures I allow myself in life.

Let's see how this plays-out shall we? On the line: the fiscal responsibility of both the Blue Jays & Royals front-office staff.

I'm getting chills from the excitement.

42

2007-04-16T08:25:00.000-07:00

There I go, writing about symbolism being the "nectar of dimwitted numbskulls" on the day that baseball celebrated the 60th anniversary of Jackie Robinson's first Major-League game...and, granted, I was talking about the ridiculousness of the confederate flag, but what's the difference between revering a flag and revering a number?

Not much.

I don't think that the heads of MLB could think of a higher honour for Robinson then the retiring of 42 ten years ago, rightfully making him bigger than the game itself...but what looked at the time as a surprisingly original gesture of respect is being usurped so that "42" will, at some point, hold the same iconographical-status as the cross or the Stars and Stripes, which is, I'm sure, the point.

You've seen those mini-vans sporting "jesus-fish", or the cheeky "Darwin-fish"-with-feet response on Volvos...or those ridiculous "jesus-fish-with-TRUTH-written-in-the-fish-eating-the-Darwin-fish" response-response?

Bumper-warfare at its finest, indeed, but useless.

Kind of like making "42" a symbol of Jackie Robinson's ugly battle against systemic-segregation.

The man should be honoured at every opportunity, and he is...but it's kind of like Joe Morgan's performance in the booth during the Sunday Night Baseball broadcast: self-serving, like Milhouse, who "knew the dog before he came to school".

Morgan to Rachel Robinson (Jackie's widow):
"We'll talk about it when I call you tomorrow."

Morgan to Hank Aaron:
"We'll talk about it when I call you next week."

Morgan to Frank Robinson:
"Tell me about when you first heard about how good a baseball player I was."*

*The above Morganisms may be complete fabrications.

Baseball is trying to horn-in on Robinson's accomplishments, even though Robinson was fighting against not only society, but baseball itself; it's like the bully from high-school who's ass you eventually kicked going on and on about how great you were in defending yourself...great, at first, but then, christ, man, leave it alone - you only had to kick his ass because he wouldn't leave you be in the first place.

I agree with Spike Lee, who sounded justifiably angry in his pre-game rant, that Robinson would probably be pissed-off if he saw how little "race-relations" had progressed in 60 years...and maybe you noticed that, unlike Joe Morgan, Lee wasn't showing off the 42-Dodger-jersey on his lap like it was his own crowning achievement - ol' Spike had been wearing the jersey at every conceivable opportunity for, oh, twenty years; he didn't need to transfer his own cache to Major League Baseball and their forever-attempts to make things right with the memory of Jackie Robinson.

Listening to Robinson's wife Rachel talk about him was the best part of the night, because he was a guy, not some made-up legend like Jesus Christ...he was just a guy with more intestinal-fortitude than 168 fire-fighters, and, as such, there isn't any approbation that Major-League Baseball can bestow on anybody for the repulsive racism they allowed before 1947, and that's that.

Hitler:
"Sorry about all that."

Jews:
"Oh. Okay."

He said he was sorry! Everything's fine now!

Equating Major-League Baseball with the Nazis?

NOW we're getting somewhere.

The Sac Fly Watch, More Shutdown City & An April A-Hole

2007-04-10T21:47:00.000-07:00

Fucking hell with this cold weather:

AJ Burnett gets shelled in start one, then goes for 6 and two-thirds giving up but a solo bomb to someone named John Buck;

Curt Schilling gets similarly shelled in his first outing, shelled in his second by Frank Catalanotto, but remains on point to deliver 7 innings of one-run ball;

Daisuke Matsuzaka somehow lives up to the hype, though against the Royals, giving up only a rocket to David DeJesus while sitting down 10;

San Diego's Chris Young shuts out the Giants through 7, turning Matt Cain's no-hitter into a 1-hit loss on a Geoff Blum's Sac Fly...

Which leads us, giddily, into the first installment of the Sac Fly Watch!

One week in, 2 Sac Flies produce a ten-way tie for first - some notables include Beltran, Garciaparra, Berkman, and Cincy catcher David Ross, who has gathered 100% of his ribbies on those two flyballs with less than two-out; Blum's Game-Winner, alas, only put him into a 54-way tie for second...

As for A-Hole's ridiculous start (6 HR & 15 RBI in 7 games), well, it's April; wait until he blows a play at third, gets booed, and forgets that he's the Best Player in Baseball History.

That'll be hilarious.

Even funnier? The Yankees not making the playoffs...could it happen?

For all our sakes, let's fucking hope so; there's a bunch of bad karma in the air, and we need to put a stop to it. The first step is collectively willing the Yankees to fail; after that it's all gravy.

Trust me.

Shutdown City

2007-04-04T12:25:00.000-07:00

It all started with a seemingly innocuous comment about the umps calling the "high strike" this year...then:

Tom Glavine peeled off a solid 6 innings of 1-run ball against the defending "World Champion" Cardinals on Day 1, followed up by El Duque's 7 inning-1 run jobby two days later;

Aaron Harang gave up one run in 7 innings, making the Cubs look like they just picked up a bucket of money and threw it off a bridge during this past off-season;

Felix Hernandez dominated with a 3-hit shutout through 8, cutting down 12 A's in the process;

Ben Sheets ripped the Dodgers apart with a complete-game 2-hitter, giving up just a lonely solo bomb to Jeff Kent;

Jake Peavy went K-per-inning, whipping a donut at San Francisco through 6;

Even Gil Meche pitched well, holding Boston to one run into the eighth...but, unlike Sports Illustrated's Jon Heyman, I'm not yet penning an ode to Meche after one solid start;

Right now, Nate Robertson just got his shutout through 5 snapped by Aaron Hill's first HR of the year, but I think the Tigers'll be all right, up by fucking SEVEN runs.

*update - Jays lost 10-9; Troy Glaus flew out to the defensively-challenged Magglio Ordonez to end the eighth with the tying run on third...gah.

Keep this in mind, though: how 'bout that Aaron Hill? Projections are super-great.

Thank me later.

But first, you're welcome.

The Sac Fly Watch: A New Season of Nonsense

2007-03-26T14:53:00.000-07:00

The dumbest statistical rule in baseball remains the sacrifice fly rule: if a runner tags up and scores on a hitter's fly-ball with less than two outs, the hitter gains an RBI but not an "official" plate appearance; if a runner scores when a hitter grounds out, said hitter is credited with an RBI but also an out against their batting average...which is dumb.

Dumb, but no matter; much as last year's Pitcher RBI "Race" stole much of the thunder of the 2006 season, this year 4outs will follow the leaders of the Sac Fly Race as they attempt to reach the pinnacle, set in the inaugural year of this coma-inducing stat: Gil Hodges' 19 sac flies in 1954.

Oh, Andre Dawson came close in 1983, when he managed 18 RBI on mere flyballs, but nobody, in over 50 years of record-keeping, has been man enough to pad their RBI-totals with 20 sac flies: Roy White & Bobby Bonilla, in 1971 & 1996 respectively, each drove in 17 runners from third on otherwise-useless outs, and Juan Gonzalez & Mark Loretta racked up 16 sac flies each in 2001 & 2004...can it be done this year?

A very cursory look at the leaders would suggest that 13, in any given year, will lead the Majors; Hodges, incidentally, hit 42 HR in 1954, suggesting that of his 130 RBI that year, almost half were on flyballs of one kind or another...and that's without knowing how many of his 23 doubles or 5 triples were "moonshots" that just bounced inside the fence. Remember, I said incidentally...

Who's ready for a second-straight season of meaningless trivia?

You can bet your ASS that I am.

The Tremendous Triplex

2007-03-26T11:31:00.000-07:00

Since Baseball began, the Triple Crown ideal has created a lot of hoopla, especially the batter's version of said Crown; since 1967, when Carl Yastrzemski belted his way into Kinghood, there's been an awed hush surrounding the possibility of another, the belief being that any player that can lead his league in batting average, homeruns & runs batted in should be feted as the ultimate specimen of baseball-playing prowess...though since it's happened seven times since then on the pitcher's side, said pitcher's version doesn't hold quite the same allure: one could gather that leading one's league in wins, earned run average & strikeouts is historically easier than what the batter has to face, using his fine eye to combine a high average with bashing ability.

Before I go further, here are those Triple Crown winners since Baseball began (actual stats in the "complaints" section):

Triple Crown - Hitters
1947 Ted Williams
1956 Mickey Mantle
1966 Frank Robinson
1967 Carl Yastrzemski

Triple Crown - Pitchers
1963 Sandy Koufax
1965 Sandy Koufax
1966 Sandy Koufax
1972 Steve Carlton
1985 Dwight Gooden
1997 Roger Clemens
1998 Roger Clemens
1999 Pedro Martinez
2002 Randy Johnson
2006 Johan Santana

These seasons are, one and all, fine examples of baseball-playing superiority...but not necessarily of dominance - and since domination is the ultimate barometre of excellence, well, grab hold of the cape flapping behind my super-heroic Tremendous Triplex and come for a ride through a wonderland of league-leading preeminence of both batter and pitcher.

It should be obvious at this point, I hope, that a batter has no more control over RBI opportunities than a pitcher does in getting the "W" - at least the pitcher can influence which way the win-wind blows, but pitching around a certain hitter shouldn't adversely affect said hitter's season. To counteract this, I looked at who led their league in homeruns, on-base average & slugging percentage, as this better illustrates who is better in the two most valuable aspects of hitting: immediate runs & getting on base. Further still, to retain some sense of the truly spectacular, only hitters who have led the Major Leagues in these categories will be recognized:

Tremendous Triplex - Hitters
1965 Willie Mays
1967 Carl Yastrzemski
1981 Mike Schmidt

As for pitchers, ERA, though flawed, remains...though it is book-ended by WHIP, the best tool to judge how well a pitcher is doing what he's supposed to, which is keeping men off base, and Ks per 9 innings instead of straight strikeouts, as totals aren't nearly as precise as average in determining game-by-game performance. The abomination of "wins" as a stat is thrown directly into the bin of obsolete stats, settling in nicely next to Game-Winning RBI & Stolen Base-totals, leaving us, again, only with the pitchers who led the Majors in these categories:

Tremendous Triplex - Pitchers
1971 Tom Seaver
1986 Mike Scott
1999 Pedro Martinez
2001 Randy Johnson

Seven total (with actual stats also in the "complaints" section), and with the exception of Mike Scott, legends all...though it could be argued that Scott's 1986 season should stand alone as a made-by-Disney movie, as he threw a no-hitter in his penultimate start of the season to clinch a playoff berth for his Astros.

Regardless of Mike Scott's seemingly incongruous inclusion on this list, I believe that you'll all agree that this new "Triple Crown" better measures dominance than its antiquated predecessor; if not, well, too fucking bad.

Tring Spraining: Whatta Scoop!

2007-03-04T13:17:00.000-08:00

It’s here, and I’m trying to pay it no attention.

Good thing, too, as there’s nothing of interest going on.

Oh, don’t worry - that doesn’t mean that there aren’t stories from Spring Training; it means that baseball-writers are desperately trying to justify their salaries by making a big deal out of everything.

Manny Ramirez is shitting on the Red Sox by going to a Classic Car sale in Atlantic City instead of showing up to camp on time - or, he’s tending to his ailing mama, and is showing up earlier than expected. Either way, he’s being traded/not being traded/possibly being traded to Colorado for Todd Helton.

Alex Rodriguez has an opt-out clause in his contract, so he’s looking for a bigger payday after this year - or, he’s staying put to show how little he actually cares about Derek Motherfucking Jeter’s evident dislike for him. Either way, when A-Rod says, "no comment", sixty-five articles pop-up braying about his unhappiness in New York.

Barry Bonds signed a contract with the Giants full of unique language that protects the Giants if Bonds ends up in jail - or, the contract isn’t signed because of other unique language keeping Bonds entourage at bay - or, the contract IS signed, but Bonds has the flu. Either way, Bonds isn’t shying away from the possibility of hitting 1000 HR in his career, or the possibility of spending the first years of his retirement behind bars.

Whatta scoop!

Who cares?

Doesn’t matter! What matters is the scoop! The scoop, and who scooped it first!

Scoop!

Third-Person-Reference Alert!

2007-02-15T10:50:00.000-08:00

"Whatever happens, I don’t want to know about a contract during the season...If they don’t sign me, sorry, but I must go. That’s what Carlos Zambrano thinks."

Amazing.

Guess who this Sports Illustrated quote is from! Give up? It’s "Big Z" himself, Carlos Zambrano, using a second self-referential moniker during a single interview!

"Jim [Hendry; Cubs GM] spent a lot of money. I hope he has more for 'Big Z'."

Who, outside of baseball, has even fucking heard of Carlos Zambrano? Yes, he’s the Cubbies’ best pitcher, but that’s like being a World Champion Fecophiliac: there’s not a whole lot of competition...and, if competition arose, it'd be surprising.

I guess it’s final - every single athlete in North America thinks they’re Muhammad Ali.

The 500 Homerun Club: Getting "McGriffed"

2007-02-13T05:27:00.000-08:00

If you take away the cheaters & those who benefited from the blackless pitching staffs of the pre-Jackie Robinson era, there are, in actuality, only 13 guys in the famed 500-Club of Bomb Bashers...and I’m even conflicted about the 165 HR Ted Williams hit in the years before Baseball came to its senses, but I’m including him anyways - if Teddy Ballgame hadn’t missed those years to military service he’d have, most assuredly, bashed his way to 600.

500 dingers is still a mortal lock for the atavistic, actual Baseball Hall of Fame, unless you’re a basehead (as Chuck D used to say in reference to crack-heads, which I’m now converting to mean steroid-pumpers), and by the looks of my SWUNT Area of Acclamacity, 10 of these 13 were among the first 25 inducted; the others are a non-retired Ken Griffey Jr, Harmon Killebrew, and Reggie Jackson, the latter two of which will probably be inducted this year or next so pipe down.

13 guys in the club since 1947 - and FOUR are poised to join them in 2007: Frank Thomas needs a paltry 13, Jim Thome 28, Manny Ramirez 30, and Alex Rodriguez needs 36...which means he’ll hit 35, leaving him a huge anti-climax at the beginning of 2008 and me gasping on the floor in the throes of schadenfreude-inspired ecstasy.

But I digress.

No-one has ever come closer to sniffing the 500 Club without entry than the Crime Dog, Mr. Fred McGriff; Lou Gehrig had bigger problems on his mind, namely eponym-izing an awful disease in an era before anyone really gave a shit as to "500 Clubs" or reaching 2000 RBI. McGriff tied Gehrig’s career total with 493 homeruns, but unlike the Iron Horse, McGriff’s lonely little doggy was well more than 7 HR from licking from the water-bowl of Hall of Fame Superbituity; the next three guys on the career homeruns list didn’t get any closer than 475, but they were all locks as far as Hall of Fame voting.

(For the record, I had Stan Musial & Willie Stargell looking very SWUNTy, but figured that Dave Winfield would have to wait...I’m expecting an angry email at any moment)

This is important, if for no other reason than Fred McGriff getting some ambivalent recognition, kind of like Mario Mendoza and his "Mendoza Line", except without the .200 average...so it‘s exactly like the "Mendoza Line" while being nothing at all like the "Mendoza Line": sluggers such as Mike Piazza and Carlos Delgado may, one day, have found themselves to have been "McGriffed" at 480-490 homeruns - and though Piazza has already bashed his way into the Hall, having hit a huge percentage of his bombs while attempting to play "catcher", I have this queasy, sweaty feeling that King Carlos is primed for a "McGriffing".

I think Harvey Birdman said it best when he said "Sigh".

Regardless, here is the Career Homeruns List as it actually stands today, for clarity’s sake, with some "probables" and the 2007 ages of those still active.

755 Hank Aaron
660 Willie Mays
586 Frank Robinson
573 Harmon Killebrew
563 Ken Griffey Jr - 36
563 Reggie Jackson
548 Mike Schmidt
536 Mickey Mantle
521 Willie McCovey
521 Ted Williams
512 Ernie Banks
512 Eddie Mathews
504 Eddie Murray

487 Frank Thomas - 39
472 Jim Thome - 37
470 Manny Ramirez - 35
464 Alex Rodriguez - 32

419 Mike Piazza - 39
407 Carlos Delgado - 35

Good luck, Mr. Delgado, and godspeed.

The Too-Early Preview: American League

2007-01-19T20:46:00.000-08:00

Did you know that there are 16 National League Teams, and only 14 in the American League?

I guess that explains why I have to watch the Jays vs. Devil Rays 45 times a year...

Baltimore Orioles
-It looks as though they’re just going to hitch their wagon to Miguel Tejada and ride on through into a fourth-place AL East finish...and judging by their off-season acquisitions, that might just be the best strategy;
-According to MLB.com, Aubrey Huff is second on the depth-chart at DH...behind Jay Gibbons. Sure, he’s also second banana to Melvin Mora at third and Jay Payton in left, but Baltimore is, I guess, settling for a DH platoon of two lefties that can’t really hit anymore;
-Hey, can Melvin Mora still hit? No? How ‘bout Kevin Millar? No, huh? Let’s see: that’s 15 HR a piece at first, third, left, center, right, DH...wow. And Tejada’s good for, what...25? 30? Good thing the Orioles have pitching or...oh.

Boston Red Sox
-Everybody bags on Mike Lowell’s shit, but, putting aside his .339 on-base percentage, he’s a pretty solid three-bagger, as far as three-baggers go;
-There’s been a tittering "debunking" of the Daisuke Matsuzaka "gyroball" going around national newspapers...because somebody found out that former skipper Bobby Valentine manages in Japan, and didn’t have anything extraordinary to say about the mysterious pitch. Yes, the same Bobby Valentine that, after being sent to the showers by a fed-up umpiring crew, showed back up in the dugout wearing Groucho Marx glasses...ha, ho;
-So Manny Ramirez gave up after the Yankees handed them the five-game sweep...who’s not still looking forward to watching David Ortiz and Ramirez hit back-to-back for 130-some-odd games? Depending, of course, on Manny’s OPS numbers come early September...

Chicago White Sox
-Mashers, they are. 151 HR from Dye, Thome, Konerko & Crede alone...makes me wonder if a new game can’t be invented, setting up Wrigley Field’s outfield back-to-back with US Cellular Field. Then, mid-game, we might be treated to Derrek Lee trying to hit a homerun off a Jim Thome homerun! It would be worth 100 runs, would happen exactly once a century, and we could call it Shitball!
-Now does everyone understand just how over their heads the 2005 starting rotation pitched?

Mark Buehrle, 2005/2006:
ERA - 3.12/4.99
WHIP - 1.18/1.45
K/9IP - 5.67/4.32

Jose Contreras, 2005/2006
ERA - 3.61/4.27
WHIP - 1.23/1.27
K/9IP - 6.77/6.15

Jon Garland, 2005/2006
ERA - 3.50/4.51
WHIP - 1.17/1.36
K/9IP - 4.68/4.77

Ooh...Garland’s K/9IP actually increased in 2006; that makes up for the 1-run jump in ERA, right?

Cleveland Racial Slurs
-How did they miss the playoffs last year, or, for that matter, only win 78 games? Between Travis Hafner, Victor Martinez, and Grady Sizemore, they should have won at least, what, 80? If they can wrangle another 2005-season out of Jhonny Peralta, and if Josh Barfield is as good as everyone says he is, and if Shin-Soo Choo & Andy Marte keep bashing while developing, then the addition of David Delucci is just the grasping-at-straws that Cleveland needs to be dubbed Best Team in Baseball, an unofficial title that will be bestowed, smirkingly, on either Atlanta or Cleveland for refusing to CHANGE THEIR FUCKING NAMES;
-CC Sabathia has David Wells written all over him...and not the 230 wins, either; I’m talking about the gout.

Detroit Tigers
-All right...so add Garoid Sheffield to Ivan Roidriguez & Christianity’s Greatest Nice Guy in Sean Casey, and off the bat, so to speak, you’ve got three things I immediately dislike about the Tigers. Factor in their pathetic showing at the Fall Classic, and, like Atlanta, bloo bloooo blah;
-Brandon Inge is an extremely entertaining player at 3B, Magglio Ordonez is a blast to watch bash, and Craig Monroe’s swing is up there with ol’ Mags’ in terms of sweetness...just maybe not at the number two spot in the order;
-I’d bet that Kenny Rogers is so universally disliked he doesn‘t even get mosquito bites.

Kansas City Royals
-Odalis Perez could revert to his 2004-Dodger days, Octavio Dotel could resume that pre-Lidge closer career he started in Houston, and Zack Greinke could pitch like the second coming of Warren Spahn, but the Royals will still have that ridiculous Gil Meche contract dragging them further away from the George Brett days, and much, much closer to the upcoming triple-A days;
-How about this: If Meche scrapes out a better WHIP than AJ Burnett in 2007, I will buy an autographed Gil Meche baseball off eBay and send it off to him complete with a full signed apology...and a bill for the price of the ball, because, let‘s face it, he can afford it;
-I hear David DeJesus is pretty good, and the stats back that up: Yup. Pretty good.

Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim in, I Believe, Southern California
-Last post, I said that I would watch Frank Catalanotto hit over just about anybody except for Manny Ramirez, and that was egregious: watching Vladimir Guerrero hit, especially when he’s hot, is like watching Ramirez & Catalanotto hit at the same time, one on either side of the plate, fighting over pitches like two folk-singers over the last harmonica. What I should have said is pound-for-pound, Catalanotto is the most fun the watch in the box...not only ‘cause Cat is smaller than Vlad, but because it makes me sound like I know what I’m talking about;
-Gary Matthews Jr’s contract will be the millstone around the Angels’ neck; Shea Hillenbrand will be the gangrenous infection around the Angels’ middle-fingernail, and, well, there’s GOT to be some joke about Bartolo’s Colon in there somewhere...

Minnesota Twins
-I, like everyone else who thinks they’re smarter than the average bear/baseball enthusiast, picked Minnesota to go WAY deeper than round one of the playoffs...and, to be honest, I’m kinda pissed off about it - Joe Mauer wins a batting title, Justin Morneau wins the MVP, Johan Santana wins the pitcher’s award, whatever it’s called, and the A’s dumped them like a date with herpes;
-Regardless of how many games he misses to injuries, or balls he misplays once in the deciding game of the Twins 2006 season, Torii Hunter is always one of the best centerfielders in the game;
-It’s really too bad, for all baseball fans everywhere, that Minnesota couldn’t field Santana and a July-2006-era Francisco Liriano in the playoffs...those two would’ve gone through all comers like a two-pronged fork in a weakly-bound sausage.

New York Yankees
-My disgust of the Yankees & Atlanta (the baseball team, not the city, as far as I can tell) runs about neck-and-neck, the difference being that I couldn’t be bothered with Atlanta, but I’m the warm, fuzzy centre of the universe when the Yankees lose;
-Yes, I’m suggesting collusion, but why is the rest of baseball letting the Bombers off the hook? They’re going to give up young talent, to the Yankees, for the bloated contracts of decrepit almost-retirees? Just don’t let me hear everyone bitch about the Yankees unfair advantage once they start to dominate with their homegrown-ish talent again...Robinson Cano was enough. Nip it in the bud;
-I have a highlight-reel DVD full of Derek Jeter getting hit by pitches that I watch before I go to sleep every night, a crate of baseballs adorned with Alex Rodriguez’ pouting face that I use at the batting cages, and a voodoo doll of Jason Giamboid that doesn’t work any more because he’s already stuck himself with enough needles to render said doll useless...go ahead and try to tell me that your revulsion of the Yankees runs deeper than mine.

Oakland Athletics
-Nick Swisher is fun to watch play - and so is Eric Chavez, for that matter...even more so if the latter can start hitting again;
-Mike Piazza is Oakland’s new Frank Thomas, Milton Bradley is baseball’s new less-talented Albert Belle, and watching the Athletics is the new "meh";
-Isn’t that old hoary sports cliché of "rising to the challenge" just proof-positive that most athletes only really concentrate at certain times? I’m looking at you, Esteban Loaiza;
-Here we go: another season of pitch-taking, no-name hurlers making up free-agent-to-be resumes, and Joe Morgan refusing to acknowledge that Billy Beane didn’t write Moneyball.

Seattle Mariners
-What a bunch of stink out there in Seattle: Alfonso Soriano couldn’t play second in Washington because they had Jose Vidro entrenched there...and now Vidro’s DHing in Seattle because Jose Lopez is their entrenched two-bagger? Ichiro Suzuki finally relents and plays centerfield so the Mariners can get...Jose Guillen in right?;
-I say Adrian Beltre hits exactly 30 homers this year, and then never again sniffs the big three-oh;
-Felix Hernandez remains a tantalizing talent, Miguel Batista is hit-or-miss, and Jarrod Washburn fairly sucked in his first go-round with Seattle...but at least that fucking moron Carl Everett seems to have been drummed from the game. Score one for the M’s!

Tampa Bay Devil Rays
-Good news: Carl Crawford & Scott Kazmir;
-Bad news: Johnny Gomes can’t handle the curveball, Tropicana Field is an ugly monstrosity even through the TV, and Delmon Young, the guy who winged that bat at the umpire in that minor league game, is a complete asshole for that one incident alone...and, goddamn are they a wretched team to watch;
-I can’t think of Tampa Bay without also thinking of Lou Pinella - and not just the D-Rays, but Tampa itself...it’s my own private curse.

Texas Rangers
-Welcome back Sammy Sosa! 12 HR shy of 600, I’ve got the over/under of his homerun total at 20, qualified by the hometown launching pad of Ameriquest Field (and the condition of making the team on a minor-league contract), and the over/under of people applauding #600 outside of Texas at 4;
-I’m completely clouded in my judgment of Hank Blalock being a good player by his hilarious uppercut swing - I just want to see him succeed so I can watch that loopy thing more often;
-With the exception of Sosa, it’ll be hard not to root for the Rangers: Mark Teixeira switch-hit-bombing shots all over the AL, my man Frank Catalanotto DHing (not playing left exclusively, as stated in an earlier post), Michael Young freak-swinging at anything that moves, Eric Gagne attempting a return to 84-consecutive-save form, the aforementioned Blalock...goll-ee, will they be a fun bunch of varmints to watch!

Toronto Blue Jays
-The Big Hurt chasing 500 homeruns, a $126-million centerfielder, solid corners both infield and out, Roy Halladay...what more could a guy want from his hometown team?
-Well, to answer the above seemingly-rhetorical question, how about 30-starts from AJ Burnett, a return to form for Gustavo Chacin, somebody, anybody, other than Royce Clayton playing short...in fact, I’d take John McDonald’s .223 average as long as I didn’t have to face the thousands of people pointing and laughing at me because my Blue Jays have Clayton as their starting shortstop;
-Alex Rios is sitting, ass-cheeks splayed, directly on the fence: half-season flash in the pan, or athletic marvel who just happened to get a mysterious leg infection?

2006, pre-All-Star break
.330/.383/.585/.968
15 HR 20 2B 2 3B 53 RBI

2006, post-All-Star break
.261/.297/.411/.708
2 HR 13 2B 4 3B 29 RBI

Remember, this is a guy who, at one point, went some 500 at-bats with but a solitary homerun.
Fuck it; he’ll be great.

The Too-Early Preview: National League

2007-01-19T20:35:00.000-08:00

It only sounds mind-numbing; patience, my friends.

Yes, I’m breaking-down EVERY MLB TEAM, but in the least scientific way possible, and that’s with two tablets of reticence and a big, tall glass of sloppy-journalism...and, after much deliberation, I’m doing it in two parts. This tried-and-true format is less to make it easy to search out your favourite team, and more because even I probably couldn’t get through 30 mini-encapsulations in one go, and I love my own writing.

(I originally had a great line in here about witty criticisms being, possibly, critty witticisms, but the whole thing had this rancorous vibe that wasn’t in keeping with the level of hilarity I try to produce...and you’re most certainly welcome for the omission.)

Arizona Diamondbacks
-Randy Johnson’s back in the pasture, grazing his way to 300 wins and the Fall of Hame or whatever that place is called, ready to retire in the dry heat of Arizona instead of the bright lights of New York;
-Orlando Hudson is the most entertaining defensive player in baseball and, really, the only Diamondback I’d pay to watch play...oh, wait. Eric Byrnes? All right, I’ll dish out to see him bash himself stupid against the leftfield wall;
-By the by, Brandon Webb’s "Cy Young" year was pretty underwhelming:

16-10 3.10 ERA
1.13 WHIP 6.82 K/9IP
5 CG 3 SHO
68.9 VORP

Just in case you thought he did something better than that...nope.

Atlanta Racial Slurs
-Pretty sound offence, though you’d think Jeff Francoeur was dinging blasts off the fucking moon by all the press he’s getting. Dude had an on-base percentage of .293 last year...a crippled snake with a bus pass walks more than he does;
-I’ve never been to Atlanta but GODDAMN do I hate their baseball team;
-Tim Hudson might rebound from a blah blah blah season with the blah blah blah blooooooooo BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORING!

Chicago Cubs
-Seriously: Derrek Lee, Aramis Ramirez, and Alfonso Soriano, all hitting at Wrigley? Good God.
-Good God and Good Thing too, as the Cubbies’ keystone-combo rakes about as well as a limbless crack-whore in the concrete of East-Hammertown;
-If Ted Lilly & Jason Marquis combine for more than 30 wins, I’ll send them both "World’s Greatest Grandpa" mugs...to hell with the expense;
-Does anybody still think that Mark Prior’s "mechanics" are the greatest thing to happen to Baseball since Cal Ripken Jr?

Cincinnati Reds
-Does Ken Griffey Jr have anything left, and will he drag it with him to rightfield?
-That’s three years in a row that Adam Dunn has crushed 40 or more homeruns, and all anybody can talk about is his batting average. Yeah, .234 is pretty dumb, as is his fielding in left, but hitting bombs and walking 100 times a year isn’t worse than getting 2 hits per ten at-bats instead of three, I assure you;
-I’ve said it before, and here it is again, like a fastfood-before-bed recurring-nightmare: Boy, did the Red Sox blow it with the whole Wily Mo Pena-for-Bronson Arroyo thing.

Colorado Rockies
-I’m calling out "comeback year" for Javy Lopez...less because I have faith in ol’ Javy, more because I believe that, given a full year, I could go .300/30/100 in Colorado:

Ryan Lawson, Coors Field
.370/.420/.540
35 2B
10 3B
32 HR
3000 RBI

Ryan Lawson, away from Coors Field
.191/.280/.290
1 2B (ricochet off pitcher resulting in semi-deep bruise)
1 3B (ricochet off rightfielder who had already fallen down with a broken ankle before ball was pitched)
1 HR (inside-the-parker - a ninth inning, two-out, two-strike bunt appears to go foul, and opposing players head to locker room; one senile umpire calls the ball fair, quietly, and watches intently as I round the bases like a thoroughbred charging for freedom; three-quarters of the opposing team are already in street-clothes as they’re told to resume the game that hadn’t finished yet; I am beaned in my first at-bat the next night)
5 RBI

-Honestly, Matt Holliday: .326/.387/.586? 34 HR? 45 2B?
-For serious, Garrett Atkins: .329/.409/.556? 29 HR? 48 2B?
-Riiiiiiiiiight.

Florida Marlins
-If it weren’t for Albert Pujols, Miguel Cabrera would be getting more ink than an imploding squid;
-Pretty impressive rookie year for Dan Uggla, with the 27 jacks at 2B, and that Hanley Ramirez at short looks like a decade worth of extra-bases...74 with the bat, 51 pilfered;
-Good luck to Anibal Sanchez - after that no-hitter last year, as a rookie, 2007 is going to feel like the day after X-Mas...
All.
Year.

Houston Astros
-I bitched and moaned about the Astros for all of 2006, and rightly so...though maybe it’s because they seemed to get an unrepresentative amount of time on national broadcasts. This year, watching Houston play might not be like shoving garden shears into my rectum while playing "tag" with a porcupine filthy with rabies;
-Carlos Lee: whatever. But they did move Willy Taveras to make room for Chris Burke and got Jason Jennings in return...the same Jennings who somehow managed a 3.78 ERA while playing in Colorado’s arcade-game park;
-Best of all, no more Pettitte, no more Rocket, no more drama...just Roy Oswalt ruling the roost, hoping that Brad Lidge can figure out how to save games again.

Los Angeles Dodgers
-I’m very evenly divided: I love watching Nomar Garciaparra hit, I hope Juan Pierre can return to his .320-hitting days, and I don’t have a problem with either Brad Penny or Jason Schmidt;
-Luis Gonzalez? Bah! Rafael Furcal is a has-been without ever having been a "has", and Jeff Kent has about as much business playing second as I do bitching about it. The main difference, of course, is that unlike Kent, I’m funny;
-Go Nomar.

Milwaukee Brewers
-Like the Bucks in the NBA, I am constantly amazed when it’s brought to my attention that Milwaukee hosts a Major League Baseball team;
-I mean, I’m looking up the individual stats just now, having no prior knowledge of goings-on over this past season: Baby Big Daddy Fielder hit 28 bombs as a rook, Bill Hall (?) smacked 35, and now they have .300-hitting (and .328-OBPing) Johnny Estrada behind the plate...and yet, still, I am unenthused;
-Maybe it’s Bud Selig - regardless of his ownership status, I’ll always identify this club with ol’ droopy-faced, fuckstick Bud and that skin-crawlingly irritating voice of his;
-OOOOOH! Jeff "I’m-a-man-of-Christ-and-I-don’t-support-stem-cell-research" Suppan is a Brewer! Oh well...maybe Ben Sheets can regain his 2004-form and return the Milwaukee Brewers to glory.

Sorry; sometimes, when you get a good idea for a joke, well...you just have to run with it.

New York Mets
-After Minnesota went down, I thought the Mets had it all locked up...and then Yadier Molina went and fucked up the entire World Series;
-Yes, I admit to Carlos Delgado man-love...and he’s going to keep mashing his way to 500 bombs, surrounded as he is by David Wright, Carlos Beltran, and now the 800-year-old Moises Alou;
-Jose Reyes proved he’s a legitimate scoring machine, and the Mets will need all of his speedy excitement to get over the fact that, for the first time in recorded baseball history, they don’t have anyone to pitch.

Philadelphia Phillies
-I’ll tell you what - if Philadelphia was my team I’d be pretty happy with Jimmy Rollins, Chase Utley, and Ryan Howard at the top of my lineup;
-Throw in Pat Burrell and a formerly great (okay, a one season great) Aaron Rowand, and you’ve got yourself five-ninths of a slightly-superior batting order;
-Freddy Garcia is far and away their best pitcher...and let that stand for what it will in regards to the rest of the staff.

Pittsburgh Pirates
-Jason Bay might’ve shot his stock up a little too high with his monstrous 2005 - career numbers in HR & RBI don’t offset the 15 extra-base-hit drop in 2006;
-They’ve just added Adam LaRoche, which means I can now enjoy watching him play;
-Let’s see a show of hands: who thinks Freddy Sanchez will get within 30-points of his .344 average last year? Freddy, put your hand down...

San Diego Padres
-Pretty interesting keystone-combo there with Khalil Greene & Marcus Giles - if they "play like they can" as Christine Neziol from my softball team is fond of saying, then they may be the best double-play duo in the majors;
-Brian Giles is the anti-Francoeur: he’d still be walking if it was made illegal and he broke both his legs;
-Saves might not actually mean anything, really, but 500 is a great number, and Trevor Hoffman is 18 away...add in Greg Maddux and a possible Jake Peavy resurgence, and San Diego looks like the place to be. Though mostly because I hear it’s really sunny, like, all the time.

San Francisco Giants
-Oh, Barry: since I have relented and bought a copy of Game of Shadows, entirely because the authors are on the verge, ludicrously, of going to prison, I now await your destruction of the career-homerun-record with glee. I will title a post with the date of the tarnishing, and the body will contain but one "quote" of yours from the book...maybe someone can smuggle a copy of it to you whilst you write out your revenge list in prison;
-If Barry Zito ever utters a word about playing the game for anything other than money, he should be dragged across the jagged rocks of ‘Frisco Bay until he writes a 50-cent cheque to every single person populating the United States;
-Geez, what ever happened to Steve Finley? Remember? 36 HR in 2004 at 39 years of age? 12 in 2005 after steroid-testing fully took hold? SIX last year? Boy oh boy, is that ever strange...

St. Louis Cardinals
-Albert Pujols can be as misquoted as he wants about the whole the-MVP-should-go-to-a-playoff-team bullshit - from now on, he’ll be referred to as that Whiny Little Shit (WLS) until he says something cool enough to let me forget his whimpering;
-What is it about Scott Rolen that makes everyone dewy-eyed for old-timey, hard-workin’ basbeall players? Personally, I think it’s the snub-nose - it subconsciously makes him look as though he’s really putting that thing to the grindstone;
-Like Secretariat, when they cut open David Eckstein after he’s dead, they’ll find a heart 30-times the average human’s...and, also like Secretariat, they’ll shave-off bits of his corpse and make a ventricle-corked, stretched-skin-rawhide baseball, and I will buy that baseball from a downtrodden collector in 40 years for three packs of matches and the promise of coffee at a later date.

Washington Nationals
-Omigod...listen this starting outfield: Kory Casto, Nook Logan, Austin Kearns. That totally sounds like some college kid hacked into MLB.com;
-Make fun all you want - at least the Jays didn’t spend a kajillion dollars on Royce Clayton like the Nationals did with Cristian Guzman;
-Nick Johnson is Washington’s lone "proven" power source...that should tell you all you need to know.

I’m Going to Miss Frank Catalanotto

2007-01-15T08:56:00.000-08:00

If one were to stare at that post-title too long, one might get the feeling that I had this elaborate plan to book a SkyDome hotel-suite, lustily sniper-firing into the Texas Rangers once they came to town, but holding off once I got Ol’ Cat in my sights...

Or, possibly, I myself just stared at that post-title for too long, scared of the uninviting blank space beneath it that I am attempting to fill with 2007-era hilarity.

(A note to aspiring paychequeless writers: trying to cavalierly write a Baseball post in mid-January cannot be done on gumption alone; actually having something to say, preferably on-par with the heading of the piece, makes it a lot easier.)

I’ve earlier stated my preference for watching a Catalanotto at-bat over anyone save for Manny Ramirez; his two-strike hitting was a joy to behold, fouling off ball after ball, spoiling more pitches than an grumpy advertising-executive, until, three-times-out-of-ten, he would send a soft-liner the other way for a single.

Speaking of singles, Cat holds the Bluebirds’ record for hits in a nine-inning game with six; of those six, in Chicago, if I’m not mistaken, I believe five were singles.

(5.1.04 - second game of a doubleheader against the White Sox: 91st player since 1900 to record six hits in a game. 6 for 6, 2 runs, 2 RBI, 5 singles, 1 double. I’m a fucking memory-machine.)

Excepting his 2004, the year in which he had that 6-hit game that was also an injury-plagued one, Cat’s average year with the Jays looks like this:

130 games
.300/.358/.455/.813
33 2B
4 3B
9 HR
58 RBI

And though career-highs in homeruns, doubles, runs, RBI, total bases, and walks came in Jays’ blue, his best season was, by far, his 2001 with his new-old team, the Rangers:

133 games
.330/.391/.490/.881
31 2B
5 3B
11 HR
54 RBI
15/20 SB

Who can blame him for going back to the launching-pad in Texas, to play leftfield instead of platooning with Reed Johnson, to recapture the glory of his 2001 season?

It’s just too bad that I won’t be able to watch him hit everyday.

That’s all.

*SIGH*

I think I’m on my period.

40/40/40 = $140 000 000?

2006-12-14T10:25:00.000-08:00

I’m not going to sit here and argue against Alfonso Soriano being a solid player...I’ll even go so far as to say that 41 doubles, 46 homeruns, and 41 stolen bases are impressive one-season totals, and the thought of that power letting loose in windy ol’ Wrigley Field has 55 HR written all over it.

However.

There’s the 67 walks, which is just about double his previous career high, and the .351 on-base percentage that’s just a tad higher than his 2003 total of .338, pathetic for a top-of-the-order hitter regardless of his stolen-base total...which, incidentally, doesn’t matter so much as the 70% SB success rate, not nearly as sexy-looking as that big 41 in the SB column. Oh, oh...and there’s the fact that Soriano is 31 in a month, meaning that he’ll be making in and around $17 mil at the age of 39. A 180-lb slugger who relies on incredible bat speed will, I think, have some trouble generating 40+ HR power past, oh, say 35? 34, even? Especially if he forgets how to lay off that outside slider...

Still, here’s the best part: including all of the above downsides to this signing, it’s actually shaping up to be a bargain.

And that's fucked.

Gil Meche, a journeyman for all intents and purposes, somehow got $55 million off the goddamned Royals for five years of service; basically, he got a million dollars for every win he’s ever had. Dude had a WHIP of 1.43 last year, an ERA of 4.48, and all of 11 wins...and, yeah, we all know how little that last stat matters (except maybe the Hall of Fame committee), but it just looks like they’re throwing money off of balconies in Kansas City. Remember when the Jays signed BJ Ryan and AJ Burnett? All that boolcrap about "small-market" teams needing to overspend? Meche, with that whole nothing going for him, will be raking in the same salary as Burnett, a fireballer with talent to spare. Don’t the Jays look like genii now?

Speaking of the hometown heroes, Toronto actually just extended a contract offer to Vernon Wells, to my complete and utter surprise - for something like Alfonso Soriano money. $18 million annually buys a whole lot of superior centerfielder, but it makes me wish that they had at least given Carlos Delgado a sniff at something more than $7 mil when his contract was up...seven million dollars per year, after just finishing up a contract worth $18 mil/year, was like telling a war hero to go work at Taco Bell once he got home.*

I’ll be appalled if Wells turns down the contract. Remember when the thought of Alex Rodriguez making $25 million a year was an unthinkable faux pas? Now it looks like a goddamned steal.

If, of course, you don’t mind paying a weak-willed mama’s boy to hit homeruns for you.

*That’s right; I flat-out compared a sports-athlete to a decorated, war-proven soldier.

What an ASSHOLE.

Making Verisimilitudinous Proclamations

2006-11-27T10:44:00.000-08:00

It was a foggy Wednesday morning as I dragged myself from my sublime sleep to prop myself up in front of the computer; two-week-old coffee remnants were molding in my coffee pot, and as I blinked myself awake, I double-taked the sports news...

Surprise begat hilarity, which continued unabated until I could catch my breath long enough to assure my girlfriend that my mind had not just then snapped. Derek Motherfucking Jeter, long considered a lock for the MVP award in the American League, lost out to the bomb-bashing Minnesota Twins' first-baseman, Justin Morneau.

These are the cases in which I absolutely LOVE making a bad assumption.

Don’t get me wrong; I could give a shit who wins these ridiculous popularity-contests, and I was no more happy on Wednesday than I was on Tuesday that Morneau, similar to me, is Canadian, and became just the second one of our little 35-million-tribe to win the award. I was, however, ECSTATIC with the mental image of Jeter sitting at home with Jessica Biel, balling his hands up in fury and cursing at the baseball gods for forsaking him, in his mind, once again.

It’s like the Oscars: I don’t care from year-to-year who wins the Best Leading Actor trophy, but I was happy for Phillip Seymour Hoffman when he won it whenever it was that he did so. Good for Morneau, despite the anti-Justin tripe that’s been seeping out of various Sports News Network’s online homes. Good for Derek Motherfucking Jeter, who can, I guess, go back to spit-polishing his World Series MVP, those pathetic Glove awards, and one of the hottest women in the world.

Poor Jeter.

Pardon me; poor Motherfucking Jeter.

Aaron Hill as a Syndrome

2006-11-08T20:36:00.000-08:00

Here’s the deal: I watched Aaron Hill have himself a great season this past summer for the hometown Toronto Blue Jays, and yet nothing about his year-end stats would have me believe my own recollections:

.291/.349/.386
6 HR
50 RBI
and his .735 OPS was 60th in the American League, for fuck’s sake.

...so, what gives? Did he just have a great 90-or-so games that I just happened to catch? Does my evaluation of a player’s talent become grossly biased due to day-to-day familiarity? Did I get a crush on the dude during Spring Training that somehow caused a perception-aneurysm that manifested itself by blacking my eyesight out during Hill’s 12 errors?

Possibly.

Or, this was just a giant exercise in circumstantial awareness. Perhaps, just perhaps, the times that Hill was striking out were directly after a masher had just untied the game with a three-run bomb; perhaps his errors came with two outs, the following batter rolling a grounder to third to end the inning, no harm, no foul; perhaps half of his groundouts were runner-advancers to the right side to prolong an inning; perhaps...

What? It’s not like I’m comparing Hill to Miguel Cabrera or Travis Hafner; every day of the week, including Sundays, I could watch Aaron Hill battle a pitcher through 13 pitches and come out on top with single flared to right-center, compare it to a Hafner at-bat where he blasted the first pitch he saw foul into the upper stands of Jacob’s Field and proceeded to pummel a frozen-rope into the bullpen on the very next pitch, and surmise that Hill had a good at-bat but Hafner was a ludicrously good fucking hitter. I mean, Hafner crowds the plate like a bully daring you to throw him a fastball, while it looks like Hill is himself surprised at how fast his own bat is.

How many times did I watch Hill upended like a dropped ice cream cone after completing a flawless double-play? I’ll tell you: No more than 19. And when you break it down and look at the facts (such as Hill’s "DP" stat that states that he was involved in 19 twin-killings, meaning that the likelihood of his ending up on his ass as the catch-and-throw guy in every case about as possible as a flipped-coin landing heads 19 straight times), you get a much more quantitative idea of how your own mind works. Look at Derek Motherfucking Jeter*; he dove into the stands to catch a foul ball two years ago, coming up all bruised and smashed-puppy-dog-faced, and is now a perennial Gold Glover because of it. Vernon Wells made a ridiculous catch to rob a Bomber of a homerun in Yankee Stadium and he, too, is now an annual award recipient.

"What a catch!"
[quick perusal of the useless, judgment-call, too-arbitrary-to-be-taken-seriously "E" stat]
"Only 4 errors?"
[jots down a note to himself]
"I’ve just found my Gold Glover at whatever position that guy plays!"

So, as the title of this piece states, I think what I have is Aaron Hill as a syndrome: a great year to the eye that was diminished by the year-end statistics. The good news? 4 of his 6 HR came in September, meaning a pro-rated 2007-projection leaves Hill with a .884 OPS and 24 homeruns!

Bye bye ill-conceived syndrome!

*I have it in good confidence that he has legally changed his name to this; as such, I will abide by his peculiar wishes and refer to him as that for as long as he deems necessary.

RBI Watch: Year-End Spectacularationism Edition

2006-10-29T11:16:00.000-08:00

Carlos Zambrano is the man.

Even though he hit .300 last year as a pitcher, dude had 4 career homeruns; 6 bombs this year netted him 11 Pitcher RBIs, which was good enough to distance himself from Jake Peavy, former Jay Dave Bush, and probable NL Cy Young winner Brandon Webb, each of whom drove in 9 for their respective run-thirsty teams...and the excitement doesn’t end there!

Oh, wait...yes it does.

On a different note, Johan Santana should be cruising towards his third consecutive Cy Young award this year, and it would be a travesty that Bartolo Colon won last year but for the fact that the award is meaningless; much like the MVP or Gold Glove Awards (and I would include Silver Sluggers as well if anyone gave a rat’s ass about them), anything decided by a bunch of media-types/Red Sox/Yankees fans cannot be judged as to have been delivered sans bias...soon to be evidenced by Derek Jeter winning the AL MVP. Yes, it was the best season of the incredibly over-hyped Yankee Captain’s career, but it was Aaron Hill’s best season too, so that shouldn’t be a determining factor, goddamnit.

2006 saw a pretty nice regular season stained by the Worst World Series EVER; Detroit and St. Louis misplayed more balls than an hooker with carpal tunnel syndrome, and Kenny Rogers is just a fucking moron. Any Series that ends with David Eckstein winning the MVP Award should take a good, long look in the mirror and figure out whether it’s better to unveil a nice "story" or an enjoyable Fall Classic.

God, that sucked.

Jackie Robinson Created Major League Baseball

2006-10-29T09:19:00.001-08:00

In the same exact way that most cite baseball as being "Baseball" from 1900 (or 1901) on, I call on 1947 to be the MLB’s inaugural year. Much like a long-time comic-book character being re-introduced with a brand-new Issue #1, the revisionist in me would suggest that Baseball, as a game, wasn’t whole until the 1947 season, or, obviously, when Jackie Robinson helped usher in the "coloured" folk to this otherwise lily-white show of athletic prowess.

Babe Ruth, Ty Cobb, Honus Wagner, Cy Young, Walter Johnson...I don’t buy it. Not when a ground-rule double was counted as a homer, when Nap Lajoie was allowed to bunt off strike after strike until he got one he liked, when Cap Anson could spearhead an initiative to keep blacks from playing with everyone else...no. As much as I love the anecdotal evidence of Satchel Paige’s other-planetary talent, or the stories of Cobb and Tris Speaker fixing more games than Shoeless Joe Jackson could count, it wasn’t just a different time; it was a different league, a different sport.

Hack Wilson’s 191 RBI in 1930 mean as much to the Major League record-books as Wilt Chamberlain’s 100-point game in 1962: an impressive mark, but completely unrelated to the game of Baseball as it stands today. So here’s the demarcation line, and one that celebrates its 60th season when training camp breaks next year, along with some corrected "All-Time" stats for the revisionist in all of us to savour...including some "Modern Day" omissions that convey my own suspicions as to who joined the Steroid Party, evidenced particularly by my revamped Single-Season Homerun Records:

BATTING AVERAGE
.394 Tony Gwynn, 1994
.390 George Brett, 1980
.388 Ted Williams, 1957
.388 Rod Carew, 1977
.379 Larry Walker, 1999

ON-BASE PERCENTAGE
.526 Ted Williams, 1957
.512 Mickey Mantle, 1957
.499 Ted Williams, 1947
.497 Ted Williams, 1948
.490 Ted Williams, 1949

SLUGGING PERCENTAGE
.750 Jeff Bagwell, 1994
.731 Ted Williams, 1957
.729 Frank Thomas, 1994
.720 Larry Walker, 1997
.710 Larry Walker, 1999

OPS
1.257 Ted Williams, 1957
1.216 Frank Thomas, 1994
1.201 Jeff Bagwell, 1994
1.177 Mickey Mantle, 1957
1.172 Larry Walker, 1997

RUNS BATTED IN
165 Manny Ramirez, 1999
159 Ted Williams, 1959
159 Vern Stephens, 1959
157 Juan Gonzalez, 1998
155 Joe DiMaggio, 1948

Yes, though Ted Williams’ legendary .400 season has gone kaput under this revisionist system, he is still the Greatest Hitter Ever…and if someone is to beat Gwynn’s abbreviated 1994 batting average, they will almost certainly play for the Colorado Rockies.

50+ HOMERUNS IN A SEASON
61 Roger Maris, 1961

58 Ryan Howard, 2006

57 Alex Rodriguez, 2002

56 Ken Griffey Jr, 1997
56 Ken Griffey Jr, 1998

54 Ralph Kiner, 1949
54 Mickey Mantle, 1961
54 David Ortiz, 2006

52 Mickey Mantle, 1956
52 Willie Mays, 1965
52 George Foster, 1977
52 Alex Rodriguez, 2001
52 Jim Thome, 2002

51 Ralph Kiner, 1947
51 Johnny Mize, 1947
51 Willie Mays, 1955
51 Cecil Fielder, 1990
51 Andruw Jones, 2005

How about the pitchers, you ask? Well, all I can truly say is thanks for asking:

EARNED RUN AVERAGE
1.12 Bob Gibson, 1968
1.53 Dwight Gooden, 1985
1.56 Greg Maddux, 1994
1.60 Luis Tiant, 1968
1.63 Greg Maddux, 1995

WHIP
0.737 Pedro Martinez, 2000
0.811 Greg Maddux, 1995
0.843 Dave McNally, 1968
0.853 Bob Gibson, 1968
0.855 Sandy Koufax, 1965

WINS (as if they matter)
31 Denny McLain, 1968
28 Robin Roberts, 1952
27 Don Newcombe, 1956
27 Sandy Koufax, 1966
27 Steve Carlton, 1972
27 Bob Welch, 1990

So, the often-cited reason for 1968 being the Year of the Pitcher, that reason being that the mound was raised, looks to hold true; 1968 was to the pitcher as 1994 (excepting Maddux) was to the hitter. Strikeout and Save records remain the same, as they are already crammed full of post-1947 names, but if you're one of those compulsive-types, there are some post-1947 odds and ends in the "complaints" section.

Otherwise, hey: Come celebrate with me as training camp breaks in early ‘07 for what should be a fanTAStic 60th year of Major League Baseball.

And, of course, by "come celebrate with me", I mean send a card or something; by rule, I don’t much like people...much less people coming over for anything other than to bring me liquor or pizza.

Go Ahead and Shove Babe Ruth Up Your Ass

2006-10-23T15:12:00.001-07:00

Originally posted, under a different title, September 29, 2006.

As a precursor to my SUPER anticipated end-of-season baseball post, I’m going to run with an idea started by Mr. James Leroux, as well as one pushed through by those traditionalists down at Sports Illustrated, with a teensy bit of a twist: MY (capitals intended) All-Time MLB Team, comprised entirely of players whom I‘ve seen and been entertained by. Aren’t you folks in for a treat (sarcasm intended):

CATCHER
Mike Piazza, Los Angeles Dodgers, circa 1997

Maybe Jose Canseco poisoned my mind, but when Ivan Rodriguez came into training camp at the beginning of last year looking like Jason Giambi had eaten half of him, well...I started to believe Canseco’s steroid allegations. Too bad, since Rodriguez was the greatest backstop I’ve still ever seen: guns to first from his knees, stupid caught-stealing percentages, and a .300+ bat with some pop had him on the shortlist of Greatest Ever. Now, I’ll have to go with the defensively-challenged Mike Piazza...not exactly a hard choice, but I would have a preferred a game-caller with a little more going for him than Most Homeruns Ever by a Catcher. Still, it’s hard to argue with .362, 200 hits, 40 HR and 120 RBI...from a catcher. Fuck me.

FIRST BASE
Carlos Delgado, Toronto Blue Jays, circa 2000

As if the "King Carlos" post wasn’t hint enough, Delgado’s my main man; he’s the Jay I watched come up to the majors in 1994 with 8 HR in 13 games before completely peaking with this ridiculous season. Dude couldn’t be stopped...at least in the batter’s box; he looked kind of like a walrus swatting at flies in the field, but so what? Killer with the bat, especially in 2000, and with a dynamite two-handed uppercut swing, entertainment is everything.

SECOND BASE
Roberto Alomar, Toronto Blue Jays, circa 1993

Yeah, another Blue Jay...who’s been better at 2B since 1990? If you said "nobody" you’d be goddamn right, and I’d be impressed with that level head you have on your shoulders. Part of the wondrous WAMCO lineup of these World Champion Jays (the lineup that Paul Molitor famously mangled by saying that it could be pluralized if you added Ed Sprague to the end of it...ugh), Alomar was, and still is, the best all-around player in Jays’ history.

THIRD BASE
Kelly Gruber, Toronto Blue Jays, circa 1990

Before anyone gets all pissy at the idea of three Blue Jays in three of the first four spots, keep in mind that the best third-sacker I’ve ever seen was Ken Caminiti; a switch-hitter with power, perfect strikes across the diamond from his back, a Padres playoff run...but there’s no way I can keep him in here, what with the admission of steroid-use and all, so this spot goes to the Anne Murray fan from California. Mr. Gruber, he of the high-flying mullet and pelican running-style (all elbows and knees), was the Eric Byrnes of his generation: a cannon to first or a throw into the stands; an absolute bomb to left or a strikeout that made him look as though he had been spun around by some kind of unseen, gale-force wind. Still, it’s the memories of Gruber that make me want to play third base on my softball team even today...though, to be honest, I’m okay with short.

SHORTSTOP
Nomar Garciaparra, Boston Red Sox, circa 2000

I’ll never forget the 5 HR Barry Larkin hit in two games back in 1991 (even though it took some Retrosheet action to give me the actual year), but it’s Nomah’s hitting, no, pre-pitch routine, that gives him the edge over all others. Way more likeable than A-Rod, way less corporate than Cal Ripken Jr, Garciaparra was, and is, even at first for the Dodgers, incredibly fun to watch hit.

CENTERFIELDER
Ken Griffey Jr, Seattle Mariners, circa 1997

Devon White was the most effortless, Jim Edmonds was the most spectacular, and, for some reason, Vernon Wells always looks as though he should be doing more...I don’t know what it is, but he’s seems almost too effortless, both on the field and at the plate. For a while, I considered Junior to be TOO GOOD, as if that’s a bad thing...it still kind of feels like calling Michael Jordan my favourite player of all time; it’s like I know SO MUCH about the game that I’m supposed to unearth some hidden gem that nobody but hardcore FANS will appreciate, but what the fuck. Griffey is, hands down, the best I’ve ever seen. Too bad about that move to Cincy, though.

OUTFIELDERS
Vladimir Guerrero, Montreal Expos, circa 2002

A recent FOX Sports montage of wood-chopping Guerrero homeruns was, honestly, way too enjoyable for me...but seriously: a rocket pulled down the right-field line from the bottom, outside corner of the plate? An opposite-field shot on a face-high pitch a foot from the plate? Who cares if he runs like a three-legged yak with vertigo? He had a cannon in right, and was a HR away from 40-40 in 2002...what do you mean he was thrown out 20 times?

Manny Ramirez, Boston Red Sox, circa 2004

Boy oh BOY did I want to include Larry Walker’s 1997 on this list, but the dreaded Coors Field effect, as evidenced after Walker’s MVP season by Todd Helton’s ludicrous, videogame career numbers, has had a much more prevalent effect on legitimacy than I would have thought back in the wonderful days of my 21st year...easy fix, though: I’ve always described Ramirez, easily, too, since I don’t know him personally, as a kind of idiot-savant, pure hitter. The description, by rote, goes as follows:

Can’t field, runs like he has an ass full of bricks, but he can fucking hit for days.

Watching Manny connect on a line-drive single to right or a moon-shot over the Monster in left is like watching someone do exactly what they were put on earth to do. Unfortunately, it just so happens that Ramirez hits baseballs for 20 mil a year instead of, say, teaching the world to sing. Oh well.

DESIGNATED HITTER
Tie-
David Ortiz, Boston Red Sox and
Travis Hafner, Cleveland [insert racist slur here]s,
circa RIGHT NOW

Hafner looks as though he’s hitting golf balls with a picket-sign, and if there IS such a thing as clutch, Ortiz is the very personification of such. Both are stupefying hitters with the kind of power that makes Donald Trump look like an old-timey newsie with dirt-crusted pantaloons and malaria, and both are more enjoyable to watch than Frank Thomas in his admittedly incredible prime.

STARTING PITCHER
Pedro Martinez, Boston Red Sox, circa 1999-2000

The "zany" part of me wants to say Dwight Gooden as a rookie, or Dave Stewart based solely on his menacing stare, but the fact is that baseball might never have had a better pitcher in its history than Pedro Martinez over the break of the new century. Randy Johnson is still what I consider to be the sci-fi nightmare from 1920s slugger’s dreams, all 6'10" and 100mph of him, and Roger Clemens’ longevity has allowed him to cruise on past 340 wins, but Pedro was so ridiculous over his two-year span that words cannot describe it. Okay; maybe "zassanfoloco", but that’s maybe a stretch.

CLOSER
Dennis Eckersley, Oakland Athletics, circa 1989

There was a Sports Illustrated article about a hundred years ago profiling Eck, and all I remember is the mullet, the moustache, and this fabulous picture of him, mid-delivery, closing one eye as if he was literally painting the corner of the plate. Eric Gagne’s perfect 55-for-55 season in 2003 has been brought into question during a recent tirade by Jim Traber, and that’s alright for the purposes of this particular list; it’s not as though Eckersley isn’t deserving of this "honour" - dude won a fucking MVP for chrissake.

As always, you’re welcome.

King Carlos

2006-10-23T15:04:00.000-07:00

Originally posted August 22, 2006.

Carlos Delgado is bomb:

September 17, 1998
2 HR against Detroit including 100th career

April 20, 2001
3 HR against Kansas City including 200th career

September 25, 2003
4 HR in 4 AB against Tampa Bay including 300th career

August 22, 2006
400th career HR is the 11th Grand Slam of Delgado’s career and his 31st HR of the season, giving him, as of right now, 40 multi-HR games and 10-straight seasons of 30+ homeruns.

Too bad JP Riccardi lowballed King Carlos two years ago...imagine Vernon Wells, Delgado and Troy Glaus hitting 3-4-5 on the Jays? There’s only one word for that:

Bomb.

Epilogue:
Sure, Albert Pujols ALSO hit a Grand Slam AND drove in 7 runs...and, sure, Carlos Beltran hit a walkoff-job giving the Mets the win, but those mitigating factors in no way take away from Delgado's bomb-ness...and, again sure, Delgado's 400 at 34 when compared to Phat Albert's 239 at 26 makes the argument that El Hombre is much MORE bomb, that, also, does not take away from King Carlos' bombocity; it just shows how much better Pujols is than ANYONE EVER.

See, Pujols isn't bomb like Delgado; he's FUCKING RIDICULOUS, like Ted Williams.

I hope that clears everything up.

The RBI Watch & Those Super-Duper Astros

2006-10-23T14:52:00.000-07:00

Originally posted July 17, 2006.

Carlos Zambrano of the Chicago Cubs is our new leader with 8 big, fat RBIs...he’s also having a nice little season at 9-3 with a 3.23 ERA and second in the majors with 131 K. There; now that we’ve got that piece of business out of the way, let’s get into the meat and potatoes of this post: I...fucking...HATE...the Houston Astros. They’re as fun to watch as a diseased marmot being eaten by a crazed prostitute; they hit like they’re swinging licorice, and ENOUGH ALREADY about Andy Pettitte’s "buddy" Roger Clemens. I love the comment by Lance Berkman, who’s hitting the living shit out of the ball (.324/1.019/25 HR/85 RBI) but still looks to be somewhat of a dipshit himself, that he was "pissed" about all this talk of the Astros giving Rocket Roger no support.

Ah. That makes sense; he’s mad at the reporters because Clemens has an ERA under 3...and has 3 losses in 5 starts; he’s mad because the Astros have given him just over 3 runs a game during those starts, including two gems of 1 run and zero runs; he’s not mad that, aside from him, the Astros’ offence looks like 8 basketball players shooting at a hoop the size of a cock-ring? I’ve seen them twice on Sunday Night Baseball, and the only person worth sitting and watching hit is Berkman...and he just gets walked if there are men on base. BORING. And no, I don’t blame the game itself, like everyone in San Francisco did when Barry Bonds was getting all those walks; I blame the Houston front office, who has surrounded Berkman with the likes of Preston Wilson, a creaky Craig Biggio, and Adam Everett. Sure, they "landed" a rapidly declining Aubrey Huff, but he’s taking the place of last year’s 36-HR machine Morgan Ensberg, who is on the DL with his .236 batting average. All this and I like Roy Oswalt.

Enough’s enough; get them off of nationally-televised programs until they, collectively, can hit better than me when I’m drunk.

Albert Pujols is still on pace for 145 RBI, and talk about hitting the tar out of the ball:
.328/1.169/31 HR/82 RBI in 74 of the Cardinals’ 91 games.

Christ, that’s good; dude’s slugging .726 for fuck’s sake.

(side note: sorry about all of the swearing; I’ve just started work at a job that places a premium on NOT swearing, and, well...I’m hot, too. That right there, my friends, is some pretty poor justification for cursing like I’ve caught my lips in a car door.)

Another non-sequitor: If any of you want the physical manifestation as to why AJ Pierzynski is so loathed, check out his picture at MLB.com:

...there’s just something about that face that makes me want to stick a cattle prod in his eye. I can’t wait for the days after he retires and he gets pummeled for talking trash at the Mafioso card-game he’s turned to when the excitement of the Bright Lights is gone. Beautiful imagery.*

*I couldn’t bring myself to create another post on AJ Pierzynski, so this is an edit from the day after The Sucker Punch that Michael Barrett of the Cubs laid on ol’ AJ’s kisser. Suffice it to say, it was a beautiful thing, and it’s nice to know that his face was, indeed, just that punchable.

The Slugging of Albert Pujols & The RBI Watch: Update Edition

2006-10-23T14:47:00.000-07:00

Originally posted May 24, 2006.

All right; so his RBI production has dropped off every year Albert Pujols has been in the league, as I mentioned in an earlier post, but that doesn’t look to a problem so far this year: 57 RBI in 46 games? 23 bombs? That works out to 84 HR and 200 RBI...so I’d have to say that if he doesn’t shoot past that 130 RBI high-water mark, it’ll have been because he got hit by a bus.

As for Boston’s "crappy" trade of Bronson Arroyo for Wily Mo Pena, Arroyo’s cruising along at 6-2 in 10 starts with a 2.29 ERA and 1.06 WHIP for the equally surprising Cincinnati Reds, while the Red Sox have Wily Mo starting in CENTER (?), hitting .327 with an OPS of .879...or, 4 HR and 18 RBI in 33 games. Still a crappy trade for Boston, though Arroyo, as expected, hasn’t kept up his early-season power-hitting, as those 2 HR and resultant 2 RBI remain his only entries in those categories, not to mention his .071 batting average. But, who cares?

Speaking of Who Cares, the new leader in Pitcher RBI is Arizona’s Brandon Webb, leading the charge with a robust 7 on .179 hitting...while also posting a 7-0 record in 10 starts, a 2.44 ERA, and a 1.10 WHIP. That’s a phenomenal start to the year on both sides of the batter’s box, and he’s a good 3 ribbies up on the nearest pitcher.

As for my original belief in regards to the "irredeemably pathetic" Houston Astros’ offense, well, it looks as though Lance Berkman is going to quash that idea all by himself: .304/.996, 14 HR, 43 RBI in 42 games will tend to do that...though maybe I was channeling the San Antonio Spurs’ Game 7 overtime performance against Dallas in talking about "offensively inept" teams.

Oooh...burn.

I Am Sick and Tired of Watching Tim Duncan Play Basketball

2006-10-23T14:42:00.000-07:00

Originally posted May 18, 2006.

Let me start off by saying that Tim Duncan is a goober; that he has a nickname (The Big Fundamental) that serves to both convey his "old-school" playing "style" and to make fun of him at the same time; that banking in five-foot jump-hooks over undersized defenders is not "incredible", it’s FUCKING BORING. These NBA announcers are in constant hysterics while doing the play-by-play of Spurs games, producing ejaculate screams of delight whenever he hits another ugly-looking shot or pumps his fist once every forty games or so in a rare show of "heart". This guy is a two-time MVP, three-time Finals MVP, and is generally considered to be the best thing to hit the NBA since Michael Jordan...but imagine if Kevin Garnett played alongside David Robinson to begin his NBA career; if the Timberwolves surrounded Garnett with the likes of Manu Ginobli and Tony Parker instead of Wally Szczerbiak and Michael Olowokandi; if Minnesota had even an idea of how to put a team together instead of importing Latrell Sprewell and calling it a "championship-level" team. Big Ticket has himself an MVP and is more talented and infinitely more watchable than Duncan, but for what? For nothing; Garnett’s prime is being wasted while Duncan continues to garner undue attention because he’s backed by an adept management structure. At least when everyone was pissed off at Shaquille O’Neal for being so dominating, Shaq had some style to go with his unreal size and colossal power. I mean, the guy dove for loose balls, shimmied and shook after making an exciting play, pulled a fucking BACKBOARD down on his back after one particularly monstrous dunk and destroyed a basket-support after another; Diesel is a legend, and, best of all, he has banked in, maybe, three shots in his career...and those were accidents.

It is NOT good to watch a player score 50 on a "variety" of five-foot window-shots, no matter what anyone says. The greatest players have something about their game that makes them distinct, something that is more than just numbers: George Gervin’s finger-roll, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar’s skyhook, Michael Jordan’s line-drive fade away, Allen Iverson’s skyhigh floater, Larry Bird-cum-Dirk Nowitzki’s unblockable behind-the-head jumpshot, Isiah Thomas-cum-Tim Hardaway’s killer crossover, Hakeem Olajuwon’s "dream shake", Patrick Ewing’s 17-foot baseline fadeaway, Charles Barkely’s mad-dash two-hand tomahawk...even Shaq’s outlawed monkeydunk that produced the aforementioned spectacles, or Duncan-teammate Tony Parker‘s running "teardrop"...and Tim Duncan has his bank shot. That’s his contribution. So, while NBA "vets" might enjoy watching Duncan win with his mundane game, the rest of us are hoping like hell that the Dallas Mavericks finish off what they started so that we can finally enjoy the later rounds of the NBA playoffs without being force-fed the Tim Duncan ideal of How Basketball Is Supposed To Be Played. Enough already.

The Conflicting Legacies of Ken Caminiti and Rafael Palmeroid

2006-10-23T14:34:00.000-07:00

Originally posted May 16, 2006

During the Great Homerun Race of 1998, Gary Smith of Sports Illustrated wrote a remarkable story about his journey through three cities in three days; three ballgames involving the three leaders in their historic quest for 62. It was kismet; late-July’s Game 1 featured Mark McGwire’s 43rd homerun of the season, as well as the unheralded Greg Vaughn’s 35th; Game 2 the next night in Tampa Bay was the setting for Ken Griffey Jr’s 40th, well ahead of the pack in the American League; but Sammy Sosa’s 37th in Chicago a night later was the cream of the crop: the article opens with a picture from this game of the author, smiling and pumping his fist from the stands of Wrigley Field as two of the Cubs faithful wrestle over their hometown-hero’s HR ball not three feet from him. A perfect story; the kind of story that becomes an instant highlight in a baseball-writer’s career. Years later, of course, when steroid allegations are leveled against two of the four participants (and probably, rightfully, a third), Smith wrote another article about the diminishing of his memories due to this rampant cheating, the disappointment of not being able to relive that time with the same sheer joy that he had as he covered it. Smith seemed angry, but more than that he seemed heartbroken.

It is that same way in which I remember Ken Caminiti. The former San Diego Padres MVP was the greatest Third Baseman I’ve ever seen to this day; the switch-hitter hit homeruns from each side of the plate in the same game 10 times, 3 of those in a four-game span; he once threw out a batter, FROM HIS BACK, after falling while making a stop at the hot corner; during his MVP year, battling dehydration, he famously pulled the IV out of his arm just before game-time, devoured a Snickers bar, and then bombed 2 HR against the Mets. He was also the first big-leaguer to speak out on steroids, confessing that that MVP season was directly attributable to the drugs. Though he died in 2004 at the age of 41, and he was, by all accounts, a degenerate drug and alcohol abuser by the time his playing career ended, those same accounts paint Caminiti as an extremely likable guy; I can’t find any even anecdotal evidence that his personal problems produced conflict with anyone other than himself.

Juxtapose that with the saga of Rafael Palmeroid: one of 4 players in Major League History to have garnered 3000 hits and 500 homeruns, "Raffy" was hung out to dry in 2005 by the greedheads at the MLB head-office, who already had a positive steroid sample from Palmeriod but waited to announce the results until after his 3000th hit, making an example of the man who famously testified with a pointed finger to congress that he had never taken drugs, "period." Sympathy poured in for the quiet, unassuming Palmeroid; excuses were made for him, as he had neither the build nor the gaudy numbers one associates with steroid-use...but then the wheels fell off. Palmeroid changed his statement so that it read that he never knowingly took steroids; he fingered the well-respected Miguel Tejada as the culprit for his positive test while attempting to wriggle out from under the thumb of MLB; the resultant boos he received upon his return from the mandatory (and laughable) 10-game suspension were met with ear-plugs duct-taped into his ear as some sort of misguided "I’m not listening" message to the jilted fans. This first-ballot Hall of Famer at the end of 2004 was sent home in disgrace before 2005 had ended, disappearing from the public eye since.

Watching Caminiti play was exciting, while watching Palmeroid was not, so I am biased...but so what? Though Caminiti’s story is most certainly a cautionary tale, as well as an horrifically tragic one, despite the entirety of the blame falling squarely on his own shoulders, he will be remembered as both a hero in San Diego and the man who first opened his mouth on what is now known as The Steroid Era; Palmeroid, the quiet "superstar" who amassed historic numbers in a respectful, headline-free manner will be remembered conversely as a cheat, a liar, and an all-around bad guy, deservedly or not. And though neither of these disgraced players are to emulated, obviously, Caminiti was the one-time hero who attempted, too late, to make up for his sins through confession, while Palmeroid was the rat who tried to save himself while blaming everyone else for his own doings; Caminiti’s peaks where every bit as high as his valleys, whereas Palmeroid only found the lights of fame by attempting to remain hidden.

Caminiti is still one of only two current or ex-ballplayers who has ever discussed steroid use with candor, and the only one who didn‘t look to capitalize financially on it (unlike a certain former MVP, who tried to parlay this information into another Major League job before writing his "tell-all" book); yes, he waited until he was no longer employable; yes, he was unapologetic about said steroid-use; yes, he was a cheat...but he did shatter the long-standing myth that ballplayers weren’t doing steroids, and he was straightforward and honest about it. Palmeroid, unfortunately for him, was not, and has paid the price for it; his near-invisible career has carried through to his retirement, and he will be remembered as a cheat with fictional-numbers; he might still speak up one day, but the belief here is that if he does, it will only be to dig himself a deeper hole while vying for his "spot" in the Hall of Fame.

So, out of this story comes two legacies, though only one, surprisingly, worth remembering.

RBI Watch: Albert Pujols and the Decline of a Meaningless Stat

2006-10-23T14:19:00.000-07:00

Originally posted April 25, 2006; edited to remove oral-sex humour that, while funny, wasn’t quite funny enough.

It’s a three-way race right now...3 RBI leads all pitchers, and it’s Mark Mulder, Roy Oswalt and John Thomson going for the title like Bengie Molina to first base; very slowly. Oswalt’s managed to eke out 3 ribbies while hitting .143, but at least he’s pitching; Mulder’s hitting, .333, a HR & 2B in 9 AB, might be better than his pitching; but Thomson’s case is indeed odd: 5 games, 3 starts, hitting .375 with a 1.31 ERA but no decisions? Yikes.

And speaking of RBI, has anyone else been following the fact that Albert Pujols’ career high came in his rookie year? That he’s actually decreased his RBI total every season since his frosh-130? Yes, I know It’s a meaningless stat, but it’s still strange to see all his other stats go haywire as he gets older while watching his RBI totals wane. Oh well; doesn’t look like it’s a problem this year, as he’s leading the majors in HR (12) and RBI (28), and he’s just one of the all-time greats already...and that’s why you come by 4outs: so that I can tell you what you already know.

You’re welcome.

The RBI Watch: Historical Perspective

2006-10-23T14:16:00.000-07:00

Originally posted April 14, 2006.

In 105-years of MLB action, pitchers have tallied as many as 20 RBI in a season 48 times, and since 1950, only seven. The last time a pitcher crested that wave was in 1971, when the great Ferguson Jenkins got himself 20 for the Chicago Cubs. I’m inclined to make the modern-day record Mike Hampton’s 16 for the Colorado Rockies in 2001, as nobody has come close to that in the surrounding 24 years. The undisputed Champ? Wes Ferrell, who tallied 32 RBI for the Boston Red Sox in 1935, and who also holds second place with 30 in 1931 for the Cleveland Indians...Ferrell also has three other seasons of 20+ RBI, and that could be considered a stranglehold on that particular statistical category. But what about Babe Ruth, you ask? Wasn’t he a pitcher before he started bombing his way into legend? Yes, indeed he was, and a great pitcher at that, but he’s in 20-RBI Club only once, with 21 in 1915. The Yankees switched him to the outfield pretty quickly, once they got their hands on him, so as I searched for Pitcher’s stats, he only popped up that once in the RBI Leaders. However, here’s his 1918 stat line while with the Boston Red Sox:

13-7 2.22 ERA 18 CG 1 SO 1.05 WHIP
.300 26 2B 11 3B 11 HR 66 RBI .963 OPS

A lot of those at-bats didn’t come as a pitcher, I’m assuming, so those 66 ribbies don’t officially qualify as a record; however, for argument’s sake, he has the unofficial record for Pitcher RBIs with 66.

What I’ve found out, more than anything, is that 10 or 11 RBI with usually win the title, year to year. Dontrelle Willis’ victory last year was a very typical year for Pitcher RBI, and I look forward to the exciting race that the 2006 season is sure to provide...and I wish I could say that I’m being more than half-sarcastic.

Update: Darren Oliver of the Mets has jumped into contention now, joining Bronson Arroyo, John Thomson & Mark Mulder, all with 2 RBI heading into Friday night’s action...and though none of these leaders are scheduled for tonight, the race is wide open; a bases-loaded double puts you in first, just like that. Check back for constant updates on what may indeed be the least-interesting race in Statistical History.

The Slugging of Bronson Arroyo & The RBI Watch: Pitcher's Edition

2006-10-23T12:10:00.000-07:00

Originally posted April 11, 2006

Forget the 2-0 record, the 1.98 ERA, and his 0.88 WHIP...Bronson Arroyo has hit 2 HR in his 2 games with the Cincinnati Reds. All 6'5", 190 lbs. of him. I hope Boston’s pissed; they gave him up for Wily Mo Pena, who, in today’s game vs. the Blue Jays, flew out on the first pitch he saw, looked absolutely ridiculous in his second AB, striking out on three of the exact same pitches in a row that weren’t anywhere near the plate, and then knocked Frank Catalanotto’s fly ball into over the fence for a 2-run HR...great trade. Not up there with the Minnesota Twins just letting David Ortiz go, giving the Red Sox his 121 HR & 393 RBI, so far, for, literally, nothing...but that Arroyo/Mo Pena trade is looking pretty one-sided, at this point. Yeah; I know it’s based on 6 games, but so what? Crappy trade.

After I ripped on the Houston Astros for being "irredeemably pathetic" and "offensively inept", Lance Berkman has gone 8 for his last 20 with 4 HR and 10 RBI...so much for my odds of an Astros starting pitcher leading the team in RBI...although, Andy Pettitte and Roy Oswalt are both bashing at a rate that will net them 46 RBI each this year, so if Berkman’s production falls off, who knows? One thing is for sure: I’ll be keeping track with my trusty RBI Watch: Pitcher‘s Edition...last year, Florida’s Dontrelle Willis took the title with 11 RBI, barely outclassing Jason Marquis of the St. Louis Cardinals, who had 10. This year, the aforementioned Arroyo, with 1 RBI each for those 2 homeruns he’s spanked, has 2, as do John Thomson of Atlanta, and Mark Mulder of the Cards. It’s shaping up to be a tight race, folks!

With that in mind, it’s time for some Fun with First-Week Projections: Brad Wilkerson of the Texas Rangers is "on pace" to strike out 324 times, breaking Adam Dunn’s 2-year-old record by 129; Boston’s Josh Beckett looks to go 46-0, with a 1.29 ERA; The Los Angeles Angels of Someplace in Southern California’s Francisco Rodriguez, or "K-Rod", is humming along at a 162-save pace, which would break Bobby Thigpen’s record by 105, which is kind of like beating Hack Wilson’s 191 RBI record by mashing 500 ribbies, but is also on pace to surrender 81 homeruns, which would make the overall likelihood of tallying 100+ saves pretty small; I haven’t even mentioned Chris Shelton and his 116 HR for the Detroit Tigers! Last, but probably most impressive, are the Boston Red Sox and the Cleveland Indians both shooting for identical 139-23 records...which would be, by far, the best all-time. Man, there is going to be some craaaazy action this season!*

*postscript: I hit my head pretty hard while trying to get out of my car this afternoon; that might go a long way towards explaining why this post is so dumb...the end of it, anyway.

End of original post.

Arroyo ended up with a 14-11 record, 3.29 ERA and a WHIP of 1.19...to go with those 2 HR; Pena finished with a .301/.349/.489/.838 line in 84 games. Not too bad for ol’ Wily Mo, you say? What about the fact that Boston had to throw out David Wells and rookies until their arms fell off (I’m looking at you, Jonathan Papelbon) instead of a reliable starter, all so they could have 84 games of Pena. TERRIBLE.

"Small-Ball" is Complete and Utter Bullshit

2006-10-23T10:44:00.000-07:00

Originally posted April 4, 2006.

Everyone seems to think the Chicago White Sox won their World Series by being a "Small-Ball" team, and this same everyone seems to think that there’s an impetus to put together a "White Sox-style" team for 2006...at least, so the sportswriters tell me. Scott Podsednik was feted as "The Answer" last year, because he came to Chicago for the big-bashing Carlos Lee, and the Pale Hose started winning. The obvious conclusion? A bad Stolen-Base percentage wins Championships.

Scott Podsednik is a Base-Stealer because he can’t do much else; if he could do more, he would be referred to as "talented", not as playing with "heart"...a euphemism for "he sucks, but he tried his best". Most half-bright Baseball fans realize that, more than most, the White-Sox sat back and waited for Paul Konerko and whomever else to hit those three-run shots, while gliding along on their surprising starting pitching. Very little of their success came from Podsednik stealing 59 bases in 82 attempts...which, by the way, is terrible. A high stolen base-total doesn’t make a player "havoc" on the base paths like Rickey Henderson was; the Man of Steal was a game changer because he would steal 52 out of 58, or 65 out of 75 in his prime, while getting on base at a .400-clip. Conversely, Podsednik scored 80 runs last year from the leadoff spot. Terrible stat to evoke, you say? He only played 129 games, you say? Well, if he played enough to get thrown out 23 times, he played enough to score 100 runs. Yeah, the leadoff spot is for speedy, "scrappy" players, but 25 RBI, ZERO homeruns and a triple isn’t good enough for the top of any lineup, and, in fact, the White Sox succeeded despite Podsednik. Why else would they add MORE POWER to their already-Championship-caliber team? Because if L’il Scotty didn’t run them out of the inning, they needed to score him, and players who have a mashing-mallet in their repertoire have a better chance of doing just that.

It’s just after the Opening Day-and-a-Half, and 14 teams have won games. Of those 14 teams, 12 of them hit HR to help with the scoring, averaging out to about 2.1 HR per win. The exceptions were the irredeemably pathetic, offensively-inept Houston Astros, who have a grand total of ZERO players with an RBI despite winning their game, and, oddly, the Colorado Rockies in Coors Field. Now, I’m sure that Albert Pujols’ 2 BB were a result of David Eckstein’s pluckiness, rather than El Hombre’s 2 monster-shots, just as I’m sure that Alex Rodriguez only hit that Grand Slam because there weren’t any bases for the men on base to steal...and that homeruns by David Ortiz, Vladimir Guerrero, Andruw Jones, Mike Piazza, Miguel Tejada, and Jim Thome were the direct result of the guys in front of them bunting, hitting behind the runner, and stealing bases.

Oh, and that 1-0 Astros victory? No, not the example disproving my anti-Small-Ball theory, but a run scored on a wild pitch...and I’m pretty sure the announcers, at least the home-team ones, praised the Astros for "getting that important run across", rather than the more obvious, "Hey. These Astros couldn’t hit a medicine-ball off of a tee-ball tee, and they’re incredibly mundane and boring to watch on offense", or, "Thank Christ Roy Oswalt’s still here...I mean, he could win 30 games for any other remotely competent team". Or, they could just mention the even odds of one of the Houston Starting Pitchers leading the team in RBI. Anything other than giving Small-Ball the credit.

End of original post.

The White Sox collapsed behind 151 HR from Konerko, Crede, Dye and Thome...86 from the latter two alone; Podsednik stole 40 bases and scored 86 runs in 139 games; the difference this year is that their pitching SUCKED. That’s it. No "Ozzie-Ball", or giving up outs, or "it’s been three-thousand years since they’ve won" malarky was going to save them this year, as their starting pitchers regressed to form, proving the flukiness of October Baseball.

By the way, my brother created a new term for the swinging bunt: The Swunt.

You’re welcome.

Irresponsible Bloggetry: Baseless, Mean-Spirited Steroid Accusations

2006-10-23T10:30:00.000-07:00

Originally posted April 1, 2006.

Let’s get right to it: How to figure out, with absolutely no evidence whatsoever, who was full of something other than their mother’s love during this, the Steroid Era? Well, if we take those who have admitted to using explicitly (Ken Caminiti, Jose Canseco), implicitly (Mark McGwire), or openly, though in "sealed" grand jury documents (Jason Giambi, Garry Sheffield, Barry Bonds), as well as those fingered by Jose Canseco (Rafael Palmeiro, Ivan Rodriguez), we begin, for the most part, to see a pattern: Action-Figure-sized ballplayers denoting obvious steroid use.

Rodriguez shrank startlingly in 2005, a la 2004-Giambi, and Palmeiro infamously failed that drug test last year, proving that Canseco wasn’t all blather, while also sticking a nail in the coffin of the idea that one could tell who was juicing by physical inspection alone; most anyone looking at Palmeiro, especially compared to Super-Heroes such as McGwire and Canseco, wouldn’t think "user" right off the bat, so to speak, but therein lies the problem of what I’m trying to accomplish, judging users from very little information here in my Hammertown bunker...but so what? Using the Action-Figure model, one could assume that Albert Belle, Dante Bichette & Bret Boone were all using, if one were so inclined...and if Sammy Sosa wasn’t juicing, then I have no faith in any of the elements that make up reality; I deny time, space and our very existence if Sosa was clean.

Using the Late-Career-Power-Surge model, one would also be able to include Brady Anderson and his ludicrous 1996 season as well, as most don’t reach 50 homers for the first time at age 32, much less from the leadoff spot. Oh, and that was 29 more than he had ever hit before, and 26 more than he ever hit again. Bonds is another well-documented example of this, going for 49 HR at age 35, and then the subsequent years of 73, 46, 45, 45...all after age 35, when he set his first career high. What about the lithe-framed Steve Finley? 10 HR at age 30, 30 the next year? 3 more 30+ HR in the following years, including a career-high 36 at age 39? That’s 238 HR between the ages of 31 & 39, and that’s ridiculous; Ted Williams hit 217 over the same span in his career, and he‘s Ted Fucking Williams. Luis Gonzalez hit 57 at age 33, and didn’t hit even 23 until he was 30; Jay Bell, furthering the possible Arizona-connection, hit 38 at age 33, which is 17 more than he had ever managed before, and 20 more than he ever managed again; Lenny Dykstra & Darren Daulton? Come on. These two fall into my Sosa-Level of certainty, especially around 1993, or, their World Series appearance; Dykstra’s jump to 19 HR, from a previous high of 10 set 6 years earlier, was less telling than just seeing his squat, muscle-bound frame launch bomb after bomb in said World Series, and Daulton’s 51 HR over ‘92-’93 were as anomalous as his too-big-for-his-frame muscles. But, to be fair, Jay Buhner hit 40 HR at 30, which was 13 more than his previous best, but Buhner wasn’t a second baseman averaging just over 10 a year, like Jay Bell; Buhner was averaging 25 a year for the four years before his 40...I’m not saying he certainly wasn’t on steroids, but it’s a much easier leap, at least perception-wise, for a bashing galoot corner outfielder to go for 40 then for a 185 lb. middle-infielder.

Of course, these examples are just the glaring, obvious examples of How Human Physiology Shouldn‘t Work, not including the reserve infielders who juiced up to hit 3 HR instead of none, or the relief pitchers trying to stick with the Big Club by throwing 98 mph instead of 92, or the natural-born mashers who add maybe 10 HR to their already impressive totals, and several millions to their already impressive paycheques...ah, steroids. So much entertainment from guys with such little nutsacks.

End of original post.

Now we’ve got the did-they-maybe "accusations" put forth from the under-interrogation ramblings of Jason Grimsley: Roger Clemens, Andy Pettitte, Miguel Tejada, Brian Roberts & Jay Gibbons, all swiped at with the steroid-brush.

This is just a never-ending well of hilarity and back-tracking Major Leaguers, and it couldn’t be more enjoyable; just wait until Alex Rodriguez tests positive for caffeine-related amphetamines from drinking that one extra Red Bull.

Oh, Barry: A Block of Writing in Four Acts

2006-10-23T10:04:00.000-07:00

Originally posted February 23, 2006.

All the hand wringing for Barry Bonds to retire is a tad melodramatic for my taste. Personally, I hope his body holds out long enough for him to hit 800 homeruns...then, a la John Kruk, he could just pack his bags mid-game, leaving that perfect, monolithic number as the Holy Grail of unreachable records. And, if I get the script to him in time, here's what he'd say at his last post-game press conference:

Bonds:
That's right, you fucking vultures. 800 motherfucking homeruns.

[smug pause]

How's that feel?

Intrepid Reporter #1:
Good riddance.

Bonds:
That's right; no more Barry to kick around...but, wait. What's that ungodly number up there at the top of the all-time homerun records? 800? That's going to be there forever, isn't it? For all-time, just to remind all of you jackals that, hey, no matter how much you might loathe me, I'm fucking awesome.

Intrepid Reporter #2:
But what about the steroi...

Bonds:
[interrupting]

Dude.

[glaring]

800. Fucking. Home. Runs.

[more glaring]

800.

Intrepid Reporter #3:
Do...

Bonds:
Hey, how many Stolen Bases do I have? 500? Yeah, 500-something...how 'bout MVP's? SEVEN, you say? And those are the awards you dipshits vote for, right? Huh. Ted Williams couldn't win an MVP hitting .400 because he was "arrogant", and yet I'm the most arrogant, and greatest, ballplayer ever to have picked up a bat, and you turncoat jagoffs gave me 7 of them...8 Gold Gloves, 13 All-Star games, 2 Batting Titles, 73 homeruns in one year, and, wait...there was something else. Oh, yeah. 800 FUCKING HOMERUNS!

Intrepid Reporter #4:
What about...

Bonds:
Seriously. I own every significant single-season batting record out there.

[ticks them off on his fingers]

Slugging Percentage; On-Base Percentage; OPS; Walks; Intentional Walks; Intentional Walks with the bases loaded; homeruns...c'mon.

[looks at the faces of the assembled throng]

Shit, man...if anyone pitched to me in 2004, I would've hit .450 with an OB% of .800 and 150 homeruns, not to mention the 300 RBI. So, really.

[pause; shit-eating grin]

C'mon.

Intrepid Reporter #5:
Th...

Bonds:
I've effectively ruined the game of Baseball for you verminous, blood-sucking hack sportswriters, and there isn't one goddamn thing any of you inbred motherfuckers can do about it.

[pause for effect]

I guess you'll have to learn to love me.

[another smug smile; Intrepid Reporter #1 lunges at Bonds in a rage, but is restrained]

Ha HA! Fuck you, bitches. I'm OUT!
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Originally posted on May 19, 2006.

The hand-wringing over Barry Bonds has abated a little, at least for the time being, so maybe it’s time to add my two-cents to the pile of pennies already left by Doomsday prognosticating Sportswriters. Here’s the great thing about this whole steroids issue as it relates to Mr. Bonds: There isn’t anything anyone can do about it. HA! I’m not going to sit here and condone anything about performance-enhancing supplements, but, while sitting here, I can laugh my ass off over the misguided belief that Bonds’ stats should be stricken from the record books. If you take away Barry you’ve still got Mark McGwire’s 70 in 1998 & Sammy Sosa’s 3 60+ HR seasons, which weren’t any cleaner than Bonds’ 73, on top of all the ill-gotten MVP Awards from Sosa, Jose Canseco, Ken Caminiti, Jason Giambi and possibly Ivan Rodriguez. And anyone who needed this "exhaustively researched" "tell-all" book to tell them that Barry was a juicer probably still believes that giving money to church improves anything but the priest‘s quality of life.

Sportswriters can’t write anything as to their nagging suspicions, of anything, for fear that they’ll be excommunicated from the clubhouses that they’re paid to cover…so, much like the movie reviewer who gets to unload on a terrible movie once in a while, every Sportswriter who has felt the wrath of Barry Bonds has been just lacing into him, propped up by this aforementioned "Game of Shadows" book. Even Skip Bayless, ESPN Sportswriter, apparently voiced his opinions after doing research to ascertain whether it was indeed possible for a man of Barry’s age to bulk up to the degree that he had in 2001, and got bombarded with the hateful email of the unenlightened, as well as the subsequent glare of Bonds during a clubhouse visit. (For the record, Bayless evidently found that it was scientifically impossible for a 35-year old man to put on that much muscle during an off-season without the help of steroids.) But Bonds, to this point, has never tested positive in any steroid test, so nobody can touch him. It’s all hearsay and will continue to be even if MLB decides to start testing for Human Growth Hormone…which is inexplicable and patently absurd that they haven‘t already, and the legacy of Bud Selig as the Worst Commissioner in Baseball History, putting him in some heady company. So, Barry Bonds will skate on any and all charges, unless something drastic happens, and Baseball’s hallowed All-Time HR Record will be broken, and the world will end. Until, of course, Alex Rodriguez smashes the record himself in a few years, and all the Sportswriters who are now shaking with rage will be able to take a deep breath and remember that it’s just fucking Baseball. Relax.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Originally posted May 8, 2006; edited to remove the relentless wrong-headed FJM ball-licking...or, most of it.

I will preface this by saying that I’m a huge fan of the guys over there on Fire Joe Morgan; I’m doing everything in my power to not "cut their grass", so to speak, but Joe Morgan is so indefatigably awful that it would be unfortunate, no, wrong, to not make mention of some ridiculousness solely because of their catchy moniker. So...

Over some umpteen-years of watching Sunday Night Baseball, I have found Morgan to be distasteful and arrogant in a way that I could never quite ascertain; luckily, with the help of Fire Joe Morgan, I realize that his voice is that of the pompous-ignoramus...a threatened former-"The Man" who doesn’t want his cushy post-playing job to have to involve any type of work other than recounting stories of the past that have little, if any, relevance to what questions he’s being asked as a paid expert. Tonight, Morgan went to great lengths to explain how Barry Bonds’ poor start is directly attributable to his sore ankle/foot/lead leg; how he’s flying open and allowing said leg to lift from the ground just before impact instead of after. Following a truly majestic shot by Bonds that hit off the upper-deck facing in Philadelphia, Morgan showed us how that leg managed to stay down for "the perfect swing-position" (possibly paraphrased), and nanner nanner nanner...what Morgan is failing to mention, of course, is that yes, though Bonds’ poor start might well be because of a physical ailment of some sort, his previous years of absolute and utter dominance were the result of FUCKING STEROIDS; Morgan even mentioned that this leg-thing is THE reason Bonds is not performing at the level he has over the last two, three years, and once he gets that corrected he’ll be fine...not the homerun home-plate posing on flyballs that fall ten-feet short of the wall, not the obvious look of terror in Bonds’ eye, not the fact that he’s been on FUCKING STEROIDS since 1999, no; it’s his goddamned foot. Well, to be honest, this has become a colossal bore, this Bonds Circus; anyone on air just refers to the copious booing during road games as "The Bonds Controversy" or variations thereof, and it’s become a cause for the likes of Joe Morgan to become a de facto apologist, inventing ways in which his "superior" baseball knowledge can explain away Bonds’ fall off in play this year. This isn’t just the proverbial "elephant in the room" that everyone’s ignoring; it’s another fucking planet crashing into ours without any acknowledgement, and it’s fucking ridiculous. So, as far as I’m concerned, Barry Bonds is dead, and I couldn’t care less what he does on his "quest" for 755. Don’t care, won’t care...and will only start to care again in fifteen years, when Albert Pujols will be finishing off his otherworldly career with that magic number dead-set in his sights.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Also posted on May 8.

An Historic Readjustment, or "Fairy Tale":

It’s November 28th, 1998, and I’m chucking a little good-natured ribbing at my brother over the fact that he’s just reached the big "two-oh", and as we’re enjoying some lightly-frosted vanilla-cake with a couple of Heinekens, the birthday celebrations come to a crashing halt as it’s announced that my favourite baseball player whilst growing up has been declared dead: Barry Bonds, after just reaching the zenith of his remarkable career by becoming the first man in Major League history to record 400 stolen bases and 400 homeruns, was involved in an horrific three-car pile up in San Francisco, a confirmed DOA due to the severity of the crash; he was 33. I immediately thought of that Sports Illustrated cover with the headline "I’m Barry Bonds and You’re Not," next to a picture of a typically-sour Bonds leaning on a bat from my early hero-worshipping years; I harkened back to the debates my dad and I had over whether Bonds was really good enough to be that arrogant; the thievery of what should have been his second out of four straight MVP Awards by Terry Pendleton in 1991; his first season in San Fran, where he had the finest season of his career after signing a long-term contract, not before; his amazing 40-40 season of but two years prior; of the no-doubt, first-ballot Hall of Fame numbers he left behind:

.290/.411/.556/.967
1917 H 1364 R
403 2B 63 3B
411 HR 1216 RBI
445/575 SB 1357 BB

And, in a final season that would indicate more greatness to come but for his age, this batting line:

.303/.438/.609/.1.047
167 H 120 R
44 2B 7 3B
37 HR 122 RBI
28/40 SB 130 BB

We sat around as I emphatically replayed various Bonds highlights in my head, trying to anecdotally capture this latter-day baseball legend‘s career for those who wondered why I seemed to be killing the party: the diving catches in leftfield; the beautiful choked-up swing that produced unbelievable power to all-fields; the homerun pimp-walk that was in a class of it’s own in terms of simultaneously showing up a pitcher and showing off his own audacity...a truly great player, comically prickish but supremely talented, a childhood hero of mine, had passed, but his legend would live on, tragically abbreviated but untainted: Barry Bonds is Dead. Long Live Barry Bonds.

End of original posts.

Enough, already. Never again will I write about Barry Bonds...though if something comes up, I will almost certainly change my mind.

Now THAT’S credibility.

I Despise Alfonso Soriano

2006-10-23T09:38:00.000-07:00

Originally posted February 11, 2006; edited from original version for reasons of clarity.

Sometimes a man just needs to get something off his chest.

In this particular case, it’s Alfonso Soriano whom I need to get off my chest. Metaphorically. Imagery aside, I feel a deep-down, rotten, to-the-very-core-of-me, disgust for Alfonso Soriano. A hate-on; a fist-clenching, puppy-punching, yell-at-your-grandma kind of disgust...but it wasn’t always this way. No. When the Yankees suddenly had a possible 40-40 monster on their hands during the 2002 season, I was as curious as everyone else: Alfonso Soriano & Vladimir Guerrero both going 40-40 in the same year? Preposterous! Though it turned out to indeed be preposterous that year, I still had a good laugh while sitting back & watching that year’s playoffs. Remember? The one with Alfonso Soriano chasing pitches in the dirt like he was searching for lost treasure? Yeah. That was hilarious, and it couldn’t have happened to a nicer
team.

Regardless, I never really gave a good goddamn about what Alfonso Soriano was up to after that, though I did notice things. I noticed, for instance, that pitchers began to figure out that he just flat-out would not walk; that he would chase a two-strike pitch aimed at his ankles; that he became a glorified mistake-hitter who would chow-down on hanging curveballs but hit .235 with runners in scoring position. Then, mid-to-late 2005, I watched him give up on a batted-ball up the middle...and, while he was slowing down, it looked as though he still could have just grabbed the goddamned thing, but didn’t. It was a spectacularly awful play; the kind of play that sticks in the back of even a casual observer’s mind. So, it was that play that I thought of when all of this garbage started cropping up about Alfonso Soriano Refusing to Play the Outfield. One paraphrased quote went something like, "He’s not a troublemaker, but Washington is going to have a real problem if they try to make him play the outfield"; then, it was Alfonso Soriano himself explaining that it was the Nationals’ problem, as they were the ones who traded for him; that he knew he was a free-agent at the end of 2006, and would just put up with the National league until then.

Still, with all of this filibustering going on, all I really thought about the situation was, "Alfonso Soriano is criminally overrated, and if the Nationals let him play in front of Jose Vidro at Second, then they are a bunch of idiots". Then I gave it no more thought...until I read that he set an arbitration-hearing record of $10 million, while losing his claim, sending shockwaves of murderous rage throughout every hateful bone in my body. True, I know nothing of Alfonso Soriano as a person; he could be a sweet-hearted, loving, salt-of-the-earth kind of guy, and I make no claims to the contrary. BUT, when a player starts bemoaning his position with his new team, he certainly isn't going to feel waves of sympathy emanating from Hammertown. Where’s his no-trade clause? What? He didn’t have one? Well, then, who cares? Pencil him into the Leftfield spot, and if he doesn’t want to play, get him on coffee-duty. $10 million for 2006 should bring something more than porous defense & the possibility of a 30-30 season. Could it be that his skill-set doesn’t transcend Leftfield the way it does Second Base? While a power-hitting 2B is still a bit of an anomaly, historically speaking, times are a-changin'...the two-bag is becoming the place to put fielders who can hit, but that play defense the way a piano blocks a doorway, since 3rd is usually taken by the other immobile basher on the team; it‘s also the place to put Jorge Cantu when you just can‘t figure out where to play Aubrey Huff. Christ, Jeff Kent is more than likely bashing his way into the Hall of Fame, and he covers ground like a sloth bellyful of dandelions. But Kent is going in as a Second Baseman, isn’t he Alfonso? Where are your 350-odd Homeruns going to get you from Leftfield? Well, add in your 400-some Stolen Bases, and probably right into the Hall of Fame as well, deserving or not.* Either way, I’ll make sure to send you some Kleenex, because if this works itself out as it should, you’ll be needing them out in Left, where nobody can hear you scream...or cry, for that matter.

*All figures are projected using no scientific formula whatsoever. You’re welcome.

End of original post.

So, after this rant, Mr. Soriano went out and had the best season of his career, becoming the first 40-40-40 (HR/2B/SB) guy in MLB history.

Sonofabitch.

Well, it will be very interesting to see if anyone lets him play second base again...I know if I were about to invest $800 million in a happy-swinging former two-bagger, I’d damn-well want to know if he’d be bitching about leftfield for six years.

RIP Short-Tempered Sports Blog

2006-10-23T09:05:00.000-07:00

It used to be The Short-Tempered Sports Blog, and now it isn’t. The whys and howcomes of this endeavour aren’t clear to me at this point, only the fact that I was tired of having to think during Baseball’s off-season; that being said, the first bunch of these posts will be re-posts, heavily annotated, to get what’s sure to be millions of new readers up to speed with what’s been happening this past season. Eventually, we’ll get into why the past 2 World Series’ have been so unfathomably fucking boring, as well as some recounting of personal dissatisfaction(s) with the hometown Toronto Blue Jays...and if that doesn’t get your juices flowing, then, well, maybe I should just do a better job of keeping you fuckers interested.

Take that, me!

You're welcome.